Category: Historical

Avatar The secret life of Chris

My past is a shady, murky place. Little is known by the general public.

A while ago, it came as a surprise to everyone when I revealed that I was once jilted at the altar by a bear. But there are more secrets to be revealed, and today I am finally ready to share one with you. For a long time I wasn’t sure I could ever tell anyone about this, because to be honest I don’t remember it, but apparently – many years ago, longer ago, in fact, than I thought I had ever been alive – I was a stylish Edwardian lady.

It all seemed quite improbable until the evidence turned up: this lovely portrait, hanging up in my local Wetherspoons, that undeniably shows me in my previous form.

What hasn’t come to light yet (and I’ve asked the landlord about it, but he said he didn’t know, and he had other people to serve so I had to stop asking him) is what my name was in those days. I doubt it was Chris. It would have to have been something more delicate and ladylike. If your research produces any results on that front I’d be glad to hear them.

Avatar Trekkin’ Abroad: Norman D.

So many posts in so few days. It’s almost like it’s the end of the month and people have one eye on the Bean Counter.

No matter. This isn’t just any post, this is important. Listen carefully.

I am posting to the Beans from a foreign location. I am, literally, Trekkin’ Abroad at this exact moment. I am within a country apparently called Norman D., though as yet I have been unable to ascertain its surname. However, armed only with this rudimentary information, I’ve narrowed down some likely suspects.

Norman Dodgin

An English footballer, who mainly played defensive positions, Norman Dodgin’s professional career lasted from the late 1940s to the early 1950s and he died in 2000.

Norman Douglas

An author, most famous for his 1915 book South Wind, Norman Douglas died in 1952 – interestingly, at a time when Norman Dodgin was at the height of his professional football career. A coincidence? Unlikely.

Norman Dyhrenfurth

Confusingly born in Breslau, a German city that no longer exists because it’s now called Wroclaw and in Poland, Norman Dyhrenfurth was a cinematographer who produced movies for National Geographic in the 1960s and is apparently also known for a film released in 2007, which is two years after his death. He was born on May 7th, the same as me. Another coincidence? Unlikely.

Clearly these are the three most eminent Norman D.’s in the world, and so logically if I am in a place called Norman D. then I must be in one of them. All three are dead, which brings the unsettling but inevitable conclusion that I have gone on holiday to a corpse. However, it seems to be a reasonably nice corpse, with a pleasant apartment that has a balcony and a short walk to shops and bars around an attractive harbour front setting, so if this is life inside a dead body it’s not all bad.

I am due to leave this place on Sunday and if any further information about the location or identity of Norman D. comes to light, I will share it here.

Avatar Four Word Reviews: Christmas with Mahalia

It’s been the hottest April since records began, or something, with temperatures up to 28°C here in the tropical south last week. The flowers are out in force, bees are buzzing around and the sky is a clear, vivid blue. With all that in mind, then, I am unable to explain why this might be a good time to review Christmas with Mahalia, a 1968 album featuring ten gospel versions of Christmas songs with rich orchestral and choral accompaniment. But evidently it is a good time, because here we are.

Read More: Four Word Reviews: Christmas with Mahalia »

Avatar 2005 calling

It’s now thirteen years since I first had a phone with a camera built into it and decided that I wanted all my phone contacts to be associated with photos of that person on the phone, so when my phone rang it looked like I could see them on the phone.

Since I didn’t get pictures of anyone hanging up, I can only assume these sad, lonely ghosts of 2005 are still on the line, listening to an engaged signal, patiently waiting to talk to me.

I will not answer you, ghosts of the past. Stop calling me.

Avatar A Touching Message

Books, ah, books. Such curious, interesting things, aren’t they?

And if that was my post in its entirety then that would make for one boring entry in the Beans cannon. Let’s try again.

Books, ah, books. Weird lumps of shit, aren’t they? They are weird. They contain strange stories that come from people’s minds. Sometimes though stranger things can come forth from fiction. Take for example the messages people write in books; a lot of the time it’s a simple message such as, “Happy Birthday Sharon,” or, “Thanking you for your excellent pie, Dennis.” On occasion some people can take it a step too far.

I was browsing the vast and excellent selection of books in a local charity shop close to work when I picked a copy of ‘Wind in the Willows’ by chance. Inside was a message which must have made sense to someone at some point. My own viewpoint, some thirty years later however, left me wondering just who I was and what was going on. It was too good to miss, so here it is:

Barmy.

Avatar Vincent “Hangman” Price

On a recent sojourn in Carlisle, I was browsing the shops like the pavement-walking, job-dodging, gum-chewing cad that I am. In one particularly well-known charity shop I came across this little curio:

DSC_0328

I did an actual double take. I looked then had to look again. Is that… was that… THE Vincent Price on the front of a board game?

As it happens it is and I wasn’t just having a fever dream, although the fever dreams I have had never involved old horror movie stars.

This was the 1970’s and it seems as though someone thought it a good idea of turning a game you can play with a piece of paper and a pen for free into a game involving an elaborate piece of plastic and trying to charge punters for the benefit.

I couldn’t bring myself to part with the money just to own this tiny piece of history. Did Vincent Price love Hangman that much or was it all for the big, big, shiny cheque handed to him by MB Games? Who knows. The next time you’re trying to guess what the nine letter word is that has four s’s in, think about Vincent and his “classic American game for two”.

Avatar Playdays – The Extended Edition

During the 1990’s children all over the UK were enthralled and entertained by ‘Playdays’, a pre-school television programme by the BBC. I was an addict and I would happily sit and watch as many and as much of it as I could. It was before the days of binge watching, or box set binging. You could say that I was, once again, way ahead of my time. It was short and it had lots of colours and silly people in it. I’m sure there was some sort of lesson or hidden educational agenda tucked away between Dave Benson Phillips and a series of puppets; for me though it just wasn’t getting through.

There was a particular stop for each day, so on Mondays you were treated to the Why Bird Stop, which had a multi-coloured Scouser bird who erm flapped about a bit. On Tuesdays it was the Playground Stop, possibly involving a playground. And so on. The BBC had to keep everything light and fluffy.

Recently a document has been uncovered which reveals another five days worth of stops which were considered but never used during the scheduled programming. Here, in atypical and popular list Beans format, are those alternative stops:

The Ice Cube Stop – rapper Ice Cube lives in a igloo made of ice. He encounters problems as he struggles to cope in a harsh, desolate environment. Sometimes he has to fight a polar bear. Sometimes his food rationing makes him pale and illegible. He raps to pass the time, teaching children about why living so far from human civilisation is such as bad idea.

The Cushion Fortress Stop – Emily built a cushion fortress in the middle of her parent’s house and refuses to take it down. The fortress has stood for 167 days straight, blocking her parents’ view of the television, getting in the way of her brothers trying to study for their GCSEs. Her wacky friend Rodross, a mop with a banana for a nose, sings to her and they learn about wildlife in the back garden, where the fortress is beginning to infringe upon.

The Tiny Shop Stop – Tina and Lloyd run a shop in Cheam, but it’s no ordinary shop. It’s a shop where they only sell really small items such as paper clips, washers and single strands of cous cous. If someone comes in asking for anything bigger than a pen lid they blow the magic horn and Dunlop, a flying burglar, flattens them with a series of heavy rocks.

The Undisclosed Medicine Stop – Woofers, a dog puppet, is the most helpful animal you’ll ever meet. Sometimes he comes across unusual plastic containers on the floor, leftover prescriptions that have been lost by people during their busy lives. Woofers takes the medicine to see what it is, and the children watching get to observe what certain drugs will do to you without any proper intervention.

The Ravi Shankar Stop – it’s a collection of relaxed people sat on futons listening to a full hour of Indian music. People are encouraged to meditate, gaze thoughtfully at the sunrise or just talk quietly in the background. Instruments are scattered around for anyone wanting to join in.

It would have been interesting to see how this week would have panned out. All we are left with is the idea of what could have been. If only the BBC hadn’t cancelled ‘Playdays’ in 1997. Ah Poppy Cat, where are you now?