I’m not very into musicals. The whole idea of spending two hours watching people burst into song every five minutes, quite frankly, gives me palpitations of a rocky and unnerving manner that no amount of marshmallows can settle. It seems as though a lot of subject matter has been turned into musicals, both in the theatre and also in cinema.
Even Spiderman has been turned into a musical. My friend Steve took a trip to New York a couple of years ago and paid a hefty price to watch ‘Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark’ which, apparently, has music and lyrics by U2’s Bono and The Edge. Which is just unbelievably crazy. I mean it is. Without even dwelling on it, that’s bonkers.
So what next? What will people look at and think that choruses and choreography can improve, that falsettos and furnishings can dazzle? It got me thinking though which, as most people will know, that’s generally a bad thing. Why not turn the spotlight on someone who I personally believe requires a bit more attention? One of those underdogs who never quite got the recognition that they deserve? Cast your mind back to Year 10 history, pull up a chair and listen to the story of good ol’ Bob Koch.
Robert Heinrich Herman Koch. Born 11 December 1843. The guy was so smart he taught himself to read and write before he started school. His research helped to identify the specific causative agents of tuberculosis, cholera and anthrax. I may be copying these details direct from certain wiki I mean certain websites but I deal in facts and not speculation. The man did a lot for medicine and microbiology and yet other than a statue in Berlin his name is relatively unknown.
Enter me. Amateur script writer and overall champion of the unappreciated. I think I’ve got the moxie to write a full play based on his life, with a dash of songs sprinkled generously over the three hour running time. I’ve been working on one this afternoon and I think you’ll agree that it has got something going on. I give you ‘Great Postulates!’:
It’s very simple, it’s on your tongue
I’ve got the recipe for an evening of fun
Down at the lab, test tube in hand
No time to dance, put down your jams
My report is imperative you see
It sets out what is necessary
To identify cultures, disease causing organisms
Those dark little things that mess with your rhythms
I’ve put pen to paper so read it loud
Something to make my country proud
I’ve established criteria
Erect your posterior
Here’s my prognosis…
I’m clearly onto a winner. If you would like to buy some shares in the production then please put some money in a brown paper bag and leave on my doorstep. Shares will be posted to you within 30 days.
19 comments on “Robert Koch – The Musical”
It certainly has that quality that many musicals do where the words don’t scan at all, but people pretend they do so that they don’t look silly in front of their poncy friends.
You love my poorly-written, badly-scanning, yet strangely uplifting songs. That’s why you wrote that booklet and handed it out to all your friends.
I have to be honest, I am deeply disturbed by the call to “erect my posterior”, and I won’t be investing. I’m out.
It’s people like you that meant I had (HAD) to have two bags of crisps for lunch today.
I’m very sorry about that. Were they the same flavour?
Nay to the nonny then swiftly back to a no Nay. They were two separate flavours. I was still flabbergasted that I forgot to bring any crisps at all today.
Did you mingle the flavours, or did you eat one pack at a time to preserve their individual pleasures?
I bought a six pack of Seabrook crisps. Deal with it.
I don’t think I can. Is there a helpline I can call?
Yes there is. Just dial 6 and yell loudly and continuously until your call is connected. You can then tell them all about your crisp inadequacies.
That’s how Kev met Gary Wilmot. True story.
Funnily enough I got straight through to Gary Wilmot after only about twelve minutes of continuous bellowing. He wasn’t very interested but I did at least get the opportunity to ask him who the hell he is.
You must know Gary Wilmot. Everyone knows Gary Wilmot.
Do you not remember when he presented… or the time he sang… and there was that stint in that musical…
You mean you don’t remember any of this?
No, and neither did he when I spoke to him. He was very confused.
Does this help?
Yes. Yes, that is seeing me through some hard times. Thanks.
Are you most happy with the fact that it’s the wrong way round? Does that please you?
I’d prefer it if it was upside down as well. And could you add a hat to it that’s too small and at a jaunty angle?
You expect too much. Leave this place.