That’s the Kevindo Menendez way. When you’ve worked in the bean industry as long as Mr Menendez you know when it’s best to stick to your guns and when to branch out into new territory. While his competitors will be falling back on traditional recipes and boring, predictable flavours in 2017, he looks to the future with a flashy star in his eye and an idea that will break your heart.
Milky beans! All the goodness of milk mixed together with beans for a cockle-warmingly good time. You will get your daily portion of dairy and fibre from one single tin of ‘Kevindo Menendez’s Milky Beans’.
Even though his established, award-winning bean labels went for a more cartoony and playful look, Milky Beans takes that approach and dunks it in a tin of geese. Nothing says glim glam gloop like the Menendez one hundred billion dollar smile. Take a look at those pearly whites!
No more queuing for hours to buy six pints of milk. No more waiting by cows for that perfect moment to strike. No more mixing tomatoes in with your cereal in the hope that it “works”. Milky beans have got your back.
Having finally confirmed that they have been working together, Smidge Manly and Nizzle granted Newsboost an exclusive interview earlier today to discuss their project.
I met them in the swanky surroundings of “Horace’s Cafe”, a favorite hang-out of Smidge’s in the small of Worsbrough just south of Barnsley. As we sat there on the yellow and brown vinyl chairs, I could see from the excited looks on their faces that they had something big to announce.
“Right, so then. We’ve been working on this thing you see. It’s long since been a dream of mine to put out an album, you know, a load of tracks on one disc. Anyway, I wanted it to be my versions of what I think are the greatest songs in the history of music. I bumped into Nizzle here at a charity gala to raise money for the starving herons of North Yorkshire, and we got chatting. After a few shandies, we decided to make it happen, and that’s how Double Bugger came about”
Nizzle, as he is well known for, said nothing throughout the whole time we were there and only looked up from his full english to wave at the waitress for more sugar to go in his tea.
We chatted for about an hour and by the end of it, (largely because I offered to pay for the breakfast) I had secured a world exclusive first play of the promo reel for the new album. I hope you enjoy it.
It has now been many months since we last saw The Book, and understandably all those of us who care deeply about it are becoming concerned for its safety.
Today, Pouring Beans launches a major publicity campaign to alert the British public to the plight of The Book in the hope of seeing it safely returned home. We are now less than ten pages from the end and with a concerted effort the whole damn thing could be finished and out of our lives by Christmas. Isn’t that something we all want to see?
Last seen: at Kev’s house, awaiting another page of the story
Age: Knocking on for eight bloody years old
Reward: An end to being nagged about it
If you have any information about the whereabouts of The Book, or if you can disclose the identity of the person who is currently detaining it, call the Beans Helpline on 0800-HURRY-UP-KEV.
I’ve had many jobs in my long and illuminating life. Everything you can think of from washing machine repair man to office monkey to cleaning jockey to whipping boy. I have ticked a lot of boxes and with so many years left to go it’s fair to say that I’ll have a couple more under my belt shortly.
Will any of them ever compare to my bingo trophy though?
That said, recently a new responsibility was thrust upon my paws. Kevin has been at a loose end since his doctor told him that he could no longer perform any further alteration work to his property because it could mean the end of his plica semilunaris. So what does someone do when their very livelihood is taken away from them? They need… BORING CHORES. Normally it would fall to Mr Hill’s lovely but lunatic wife to fill this void, however she has been kind enough to pass the mantle to me so that she is free to pursue her various worthwhile pursuits. Things like, oh I don’t know, goat chasing. That seems like something she would do.
It has taken the last fortnight or so but I believe I have drafted a list the likes of which has never been seen by human EYES before. It is so demanding, so time consuming, so all-encompassing that the chances of Kevin ever doing anything else ever again is slim to none. Kneel before the might of the Caboodle List:
1. Slice each and every pea in a full bag of frozen peas in three equal portions. If at any point an unequal portion is discovered then Kevin must throw out everything done so far and start with a fresh bag.
2. Remove all of the trodden on chewing gum from the pavements of Main Street in Garforth. A particular haven for the delinquents and youths of the surrounding area, this battered lane of masticated gum receives new donations on a daily basis.
3. Phone every person in the Thomson Local phone book to offer them a free bag of yeast. There are over two million people currently living in West Yorkshire; that’s a lot of minutes and a rather large crick waiting to develop in his neck
4. Recreate ‘Earthly Delights’ by the artist Bosch on the beach in the sand using only a stick within two metes of the sea. Hopefully the water will continually lap against his work thus making the task impossible to complete.
5. Travel from Lands End to John O’ Groats using only a skateboard with a broken wheel or a bike made of marshmallows. This one seems the most feasible of the five so far.
6. Read every book in your nearest bookshop without purchasing any books and without the owners realising. This will require a fair amount of stealth and a lot of patience, especially considering the long and winding narrative of Jonathan Swift.
7. Count out ten thousand pounds in one penny coins. Kev hates change.
There were much more fiendish tasks that could have been set but I believe this is enough to get started. The great thing about the Caboodle List is that matters can be added at any time to bulk them out a bit in case Kev feels bored.
These are the endeavours one must endure as his secretary.
After last year’s expedition to Finland, in order to drum up some of our European cousin’s interest in the Beans, I decided that a further visit should be arranged in order to follow up some of the key points of interest. Indeed, some might say it was quite reckless of me to fly out to somewhere I had never been before, without any financial contribution from the kitty, with barely enough coppers to rub together to warm a vole’s index finger with, and so on. To those some what I offer is a non-sensical response, scatted with expletives and a rude drawing done on the back of a napkin.
Anyway, the main point of this was to explain my most recent discovery.
It seems as though our exports are doing much better than we believed them to be. Even though they are quite clearly blatant knock-offs, Smidge Manly has been seen promoting and advertising a wide variety of different items and services. His face has been adorned plugs for veterinary clinics, hedgehog windmills, fussy hooting clocks and even plugs. His viso/volto can be seen cheering on cyclists at the Toot De La Monge in July, handing out beef jerky to tourists by the Fleecox Bantymudge and even yelling for encores at the most recent Scanty Fox Cubs tour dates.
This has been my favourite so far:
Not only are these posters on most of the abandoned buildings in Ivalo in Finland’s town centre but some people have taken to stealing the unblemished copies, framing them and proudly displaying them in their living rooms. An unmitigated honour you’ll no doubt agree. The company even hired a sound-a-like for rolling radio adverts, mostly in broken English, to be wielded about the general public’s ears for the best part of the working week.
If this carries on, who knows? The real Smidge Manly may even be asked to advertise actual real life living things. He could become a local celebrity and have his own midnight questions and answers show. He may even get his certified gold double LP ‘Double Bugger: A Selection of Manly’s Musical Mutterings’ covers album into the European charts.