Tea kitty

As you know, we operate a tea kitty for the communal kitchen area here at the Beans. This operates on a trust system which has, unfortunately, been abused. The big catering bags of sugar cubes have gone missing several times lately – presumed stolen – and now dirty mugs are being left in the sink without being washed up.

This is clearly unacceptable so, to make sure everyone understands their responsibilities, here are the rules for the kitchen area in full.

All Beans colleagues must pay one London pound or fifty Newcastle pounds into the kitty per month. This money will be used to buy tea, coffee, sugar and milk.
All colleagues must take it in turns to buy biscuits.
1. Ian may not eat all the biscuits.
2. If Jaffa Cakes are bought, there must be at least one full pack per person to avoid fights.
3. Chris will not eat Hob Nobs and this matter is not for debate.
4. Kev requires at least one type of biscuit suitable for dunking.
5. Tunnocks Teacakes qualify as a “biscuit” for the purpose of buying biscuits and may be eaten in one mouthful at the discretion of the individual.
6. Opened packets of biscuits are not to be removed from the kitchen. The smell of biscuits or the presence of stray crumbs can cause loud and distressing banging noises from the Character Hatch.
Pouring Beans branded mugs may not be taken home.
Do not drink milk from the bottle.
A microwave (800W) is provided for colleagues to heat up food that they have brought from home.
1. The microwave may not be used as a makeshift bed when Changlet visits.
2. The microwave may not be used to dry Ian’s fluffy pants, and no exception will be made regardless of the way in which they became damp.
Wash up your own cups.
Regardless of your views on their worth, Ian’s Mangapap Jap Crap may not be used to wipe down the work surfaces.
Do not use the kettle to heat up soup again.
Please consider other users of the kitchen when using the Soda Stream. Do not clog it up by attempting to add bubbles to custard, gravy or other viscous liquids.
Ian’s cask of Cheeky Dragon must be kept in the locked metal case at all times when not in use. A second Beans colleague must agree before any quantity of Cheeky Dragon may be decanted for consumption.
Don’t make Kev coffee, even as a joke. He will become violent.
When making jelly please use a bowl or other crockery. It is not acceptable to tilt the fridge onto its back and pour the jelly directly into it, especially if this results in Chris’s sandwiches being set into the middle of it.
Wash it, dry it, put it away. Excuses that rely upon “washing up monsters” are not acceptable.
Guests are entitled to one (1) hot beverage per visit or per week, whichever is less frequent. Guests may not drink any of Kev’s selection of real ales.
Do not leave teaspoons in the sink.

Obviously if the perpetrator of the sugar theft and dirty mugs is discovered, that person will suffer a suitable punishment.

Thank you.

Baby advice

Many of us will be aware that Mr Chang, one of the regular Beans dwellers (you may take “regular” to be a fairly loose term in this case), has recently made a baby. At this early stage we should assume its name is “Changlet” until there is firm evidence to the contrary.

I have never made a baby, or looked after one for any significant length of time, so I am ideally placed to dish out some useful advice on the upkeep and maintenance of this new baby.

Try to keep the baby upright. Babies held upside-down for long periods can begin to leak and will not fit baby seats properly. The correct end to keep at the top is the one that makes most of the noise.
Feed your baby regularly. New babies do not come with skills for foraging, hunting or microwaving pre-installed. Until your baby reaches an age where it becomes compatible with these modules you will need to manually carry out these tedious tasks.
Involve your baby in family life. Babies are small and warm and it is tempting to use them in place of a hot water bottle or book-end. As much as this may seem a good idea, it can cause your baby to get the wrong ideas in later life, and nobody wants an adult man trying to climb into their bookshelves in thirty years’ time.
Do not offer your baby hot drinks. Most people in your household will appreciate the polite and civilised question “tea or coffee?” when they are ready for a drink. However, babies will not develop a taste for the finer things in life for the first fifteen or twenty years, and offering a baby a hot drink in this manner may cause offence.
Buy elastic clothes for your baby. Babies are famously indecisive about their size and will change their physical proportions almost continuously. Procuring clothes of a fixed size will, therefore, be a costly mistake and a source of regret and bitterness for years to come. A stretchy but stylish Lycra garment that will fit your baby now, and when it is a fully grown adult, will avoid that problem.
Do not overestimate the taste of modern children. Your baby probably passed most of its time before it was born playing with a tablet computer or games console. Today’s children are seldom interested in old-fashioned toys that do not have touchscreen interfaces and copious simulated bloodshed. Do not waste your money buying toys such as Lego for your baby – they will not appreciate it. Keep these toys for yourself instead.

I believe that’s more or less everything there is to know about babies, but in case I’ve missed anything out, I’d like to invite other Beans contributors to suggest their own baby maintenance tips below.

Current Investigations

Have you seen this man?

The relevant authorities are currently looking for the suspect due to his possible involvement in the recent fires at the Jerry Loinsford Memorial Publishing house.

Referred to only as Kevindo Menendez to both friends and work colleagues, the suspect has on occasion, which is putting it lightly, been known to undertake various lengthy and overwhelming construction work to his current accommodation.

Even though his poodle grooming salon failed and ultimately closed several years ago, Mr Menendez, pictured here enjoying the benefits of traffic light jelly, has had recent success with his line of baked beans.

The suspect has not had any prior involvement in any incidents of arson, however several comments regarding the owner of the publishing house and his award-winning books and personality have placed him directly at the front of the authorities’ enquiries.

If you know the whereabouts of this reprobate, please contact someone wearing shoes.

An introduction to marking

Today I learned how to mark children’s schoolbooks. This is an important skill, so for your benefit, here are the basics I picked up.

Use a red pen. Marking is red. Green highlighters highlight some bits of red pen writing. You will be told which bits.
Tick everything.
If everything was right, put on a sticker that says “brilliant”.
If it was mostly right, put on a sticker that says “good”.
If the kid is clearly a bit dim use a sticker that says “target” and tells them to buck their ideas up.
If you’ve run out of “good” stickers, cut the word “brilliant” off a “brilliant” sticker with scissors and that will probably do.
Don’t mess up the piles. The piles were sorted by someone who knows more about it than you do and are not to be disturbed.

Good luck with your marking. Feel free to practice by marking this post in the comments below.

The “That’s Not Trevor Eve” Game

There’s not a person alive who doesn’t like Trevor Eve. I mean what is there not to like? He’s been in everything from ‘Murder She Wrote’ to ‘Waking the Dead’ to ‘Ivana Trump’s For Love Alone’ (I must admit that the last one has escaped my attention but Amazon seem to have an alarming number of copies in stock). What does the world need? It needs a game that incorporates the best elements of Trevor Eve. It needs the “That’s Not Trevor Eve” game.

Players

2 to 4

Equipment

A television
A program with Trevor Eve in
Shots (optional)

What To Do

Turn the television on and switch to the channel that the program with Trevor Eve in is on. You must ensure that it is a program that doesn’t just have Trevor Eve, such as his one man stage production of Eve: A Trevor Eve Musical. That won’t work. Whenever someone who isn’t Trevor Eve comes on the screen you must shout, “That’s not Trevor Eve!” as loud as possible. Whenever Trevor Eve comes on the screen you must shout, “That’s Trevor Eve!” at the top of your voice. You may also take a shot after every acknowledgement of Trevor Eve providing you have previously uttered the aforementioned notification.

The game ends when the program ends and Trevor Eve no longer has a chance of popping up on the television. The person who has noticed Trevor Eve the most wins.

Driving Observations

So it’s been about four months since I passed my test and steadily I have gotten used to the bizarre idea of driving around without someone criticising every mistake I make, at least not inside the car. There are several critics in other cars desperate to point out my shortcomings. It has come to my attention though that the five gears of an automobile have their own personalities and it wasn’t until I started driving on my own that my mind could comprehend the uniqueness of each.

It’s only fair then that I compile a list in numerical order:

First Gear (the Angry Gear)

First gear doesn’t like you. It makes this very apparent seconds into driving. It’s loud and shouty and if you don’t stop using it and move into second it’s going to do something VERY BAD to you. So you change up to…

Second Gear (the Confused Gear)

You’ve made it past the short tempered one and into the gear that is never sure whether it should be slow or fast. You try to tempt it one way, not happy. You put your foot down to speed up, not happy. The only way to bring it a shred of contentedness is to move on.

Third Gear (the Boring Gear)

Your “best friend”. I seem to spend a lot of my time cruising residential streets in third gear. There’s not much to it. Once you push it into third you hear yourself tutting because it tries too hard to please you without any success. Nobody likes a try hard.

Fourth Gear (the Smooth Gear)

Slip into fourth and things seem much better. You’ve got some speed now, you’re building it up, you feel like some progress is finally getting made. It’s a good gear to be in. You cream around curves like a crab covered in custard. But uh oh, you’ve accelerated faster than you should have and need to prepare for…

Fifth Gear (the Couldn’t Give a Toss About Anything Gear)

Stepping into fifth is mostly good. You’re there at the top of the spectrum. You can only go faster now, and faster you will because you can. Shame then that if you happen to hit something at this speed you’ll more than likely die. If you had an accident in third it would call an ambulance and put you in the recovery position. Fifth wouldn’t even take off its headphones to check if you were still alive, and it’d spit on you as it drove off into the horizon.

When you’re driving look out for these character traits. For a fun car game why not give them names and draw cartoon versions of them on napkins? Not you though, you’re driving. It would have to be someone else. If you have friends, that is.

Object of the Year

Can you believe it’s that time of year again? The live final of Object of the Year is upon us again, and the finalists are going to the public vote.

The two finalists have worked hard and I don’t think anyone would deny that they both deserve their place in the final.

On the left: the flask. Shiny, smooth, tall and well-insulated, it’s not just highly entertaining, it also seems to embody something indefinable about England.

On the right: the boots. Their tactile suede surface and shiny zips make them the showy one of the pair. They’re always seen together and their tapdancing duets are truly remarkable.

So – it’s that time – cast your vote now!

Call 0898 000 000 000 1 to vote for the flask.

Call 0898 000 000 000 2 to vote for the boots.

Calls may be recorded and monitored for training purposes. Each call will cost one third of your weekly gross income. Ask for permission from your local council before calling. All British Citizens must vote.

Fire Drill

As the Pouring Beans Health and Safety Officer, it has come to my attention that this site has been running for almost a year now and we are yet to have a fire drill.

In the event that this website catches fire, it is important that everyone knows what to do, where to find their nearest fire exit and how to close their browser window quickly and safely.

Imagine the horror if you were trapped in the Beans, the navigation bar ablaze, smoke coming out of the search box, and your only escape was through the Old Beans and down the Character Hatch™. It doesn’t bear thinking about.

Please take some time to familiarise yourself with the fire exit signs so you know how to leave the website in an emergency.

Furthermore, at 11am on Saturday, we will have a fire drill. When you hear the fire alarm sounding, please make your way calmly to your nearest emergency exit and assemble outside on the Google homepage. The fire alarm is easily recognisable as it plays the ear-splitting sound of some baked beans being tipped out of a can.

Thank you.