Category: Words

Avatar The Trip Home

Last weekend was mostly spent discovering how difficult it is to be a rapper. Not only in spirit but also in words, and that whilst I may be adept at sweating lyrics I’m not particularly great at spitting them. In any case eventful as the Saturday and Sunday were they could not prepare me for what was about to happen on the train ride home.

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Kevin was selfish enough to leave the train at York to go home and see his wife, or whatever. What was I supposed to do for the next hour and a half until I reached Newcastle? Luckily we had clocked an acquaintance of mine in the other carriage, Tony, and thus once Kevin had departed I moved down the train to sit with Tony and his friend Tony. Their other friend, Tony, had unfortunately had a few too many drinks before getting on so when he tried to leave and piss on the platform it took Tony, Tony and Tony to restrain him and drag him back to his seat.

Tony meanwhile regaled me of their antics over the weekend, which mainly consisted of football, sausage rolls and soiled pants. Tony couldn’t help himself and bellowed down to his counterpart, Tony, who had sat in the wrong seats, and ridiculed him openly much to the bemusement of the other passengers. Tony had passed out, which was for the best. It also meant that Tony and Tony could join myself and Tony for a few drinks of our own.

It didn’t take long before Tony was waxing lyrical about all manner of subjects. It reminded me how lucky I was to know these people who were so generous and kind and lived a rich and wonderful life. One only had to gaze upon the cheery faces of the rest of the carriage to know that I had made the right decision to move into the group and join in with the camaraderie.

Newcastle station came all too soon and it wasn’t long before Tony and Tony climbed into the back of Tony’s car and all four of them left into the darkest night. Tony helped Tony into a taxi leaving Tony to wait for his wife to pick him up.

I only wish every journey could be as memorable as this.

Avatar The James D. Titan Birthday Primordial Night Out – 2014 Edition

Some nights need to be undertaken twice to re-live the tang. Some nights, however, happen once and you’re glad that they never happen again. Some nights just happen and they’re over before you expect it.

I could do this all day.

Some nights leave a warm glass of milk next to your bed and force you to drink it in your sleep. Some nights see you dressing in the bathroom and watch the whole thing.

In any case, it was our misfortune to suffer yet another birthday night out. My birthday night out to be precise. I was there and I can tell you immediately and without hesitation that it was tip-top. It was top notch. Here’s a smattering of reasons why:

1. Smidge Manly decides to release ‘Double Bugger: 35 essential 80’s songs’ to celebrate that he hasn’t been around for a while and we miss his world-weary, dulcet tones. A white label demo is expected by early 2015. Whether or not his Manly Choir decide to provide BV’s is still undecided.

2. Hot off the invention press is the Diver’s Mitt. What this remarkable piece of equipment does is ensure that, when you’re diving, you don’t become too good at diving. You don’t want to show up the other divers and this essential webbed glove will ensure this never takes place.

3. Kevin may have to take Taylor Swift aside to discuss the Diver’s Mitt in more private and intimate surroundings…

4. The world of art theft is a tricky one, and one which cannot be rushed. If you decide to join the world of art theft you must ensure that not only are you very very good at stealing art but also that you can muster the correct arm and hand movements. There’s no point deciding to steal art if your wrists are weak and your arms are bloated.

5. Sometimes Kevin looks like Richard E. Grant in his grey coat. He’s also very good at doing Liam Neeson’s speech from ‘Taken’ as Kermit the Frog.

6. What Reader’s Digest did to books is unforgivable.

Afterwards it was officially decided that I am now 30 + 1 and that handing someone the ass of a rat is a big deal and should not be taken lightly.

Avatar Best Laid Plans – Update

Every man has a dream.

Unfortunately it seems as though every dream comes with a cost and a price tag. Yes, both.

Not too long ago I stole someone else’s dreams. I wanted to have coast to coast goats in order to satisfy the need for goats. The world was crying out for goats and nobody was delivering them. Who was I to deny the world their dreams whilst satisfying my own at the same time?

So it happened. I wheeled out the goats and in one long, glorious line they stretched from Blackpool in the West to Scarborough in the East. It resembled something akin to Hadrian’s Wall, except with goats. It was like the Great Wall of China, but with goats instead of walls. And so the people came together and decided to name my wonderful wall of goats. It’s just a shame that they didn’t think to put more effort into it; Goat Wall.

The Goat Wall was an immediate success, even if Joey Essex did travel up and tried to cut it with a huge pair of novelty scissors. Fanatics took to patting the heads of each and every goat in the Goat Wall. Postcard enthusiasts took pictures and start selling photos of the Goat Wall several minutes before it had even opened, much was their frenzy. Members of the mailing list were picked at random and given signed photos of the most popular goats. It was exactly the kind of support the Goat Wall needed to get up and running.

That was it though. It seemed as though I had overestimated the need for goats and no matter what I did, even selling tickets from door to door like a common bed-wetter, the bright spark that once fuelled my dreams was dabbled with mascarpone. Even if I wanted coast-to-coast goats nobody else did. So now they stand, once titans in their field, now reduced to squabbling amongst themselves for the last blade of grass. I want to keep them but I’m sending them away to the farthest parts of the globe in the hope that maybe the world will appreciate them more than Great Britain. Maybe Global Goats is the way forward, and thus my dream morphs into something else. Maybe this time next year Global Goats will be one of the eight wonders of the world…

Avatar Words I Hate, Part 4

Words are the foundation of our language, the tools of our communication. As well as being useful to us, they can also be beautiful: the sounds they make and the feelings they evoke are all a fundamental part of the experience of human interaction.

Not all words are like this. Some words are stupid. Like this one.

Tinsel

I like Christmas. I like it an awful lot. I like presents and Christmas dinner and having a tree in the house. Given the warm, pleasant weather we’ve been having lately, with the sun high in the sky and the gentle breeze just keeping it cool enough to go out and enjoy yourself (or, conversely, to stay in and suffer sun guilt), my thoughts have naturally been turning to Christmas lately, and all these things I like about it.

I even like the shiny spangly ropes of gaudy plastic frill that get draped everywhere. I just hate their name. Tinsel. Written down it’s fine, but said out loud it has an unfortunate pairing of a T and an S that give the whole word the irritating sound of someone whispering nearby, or possibly a high-pitched whistling noise made by air escaping from a perished rubber seal on the back of an old fridge. For example. That’s not Christmassy at all. That’s just stupid. And that’s why we need to rename this delightful substance to something better. My suggestion is “spanglestrands”, a word that describes the article in question without making me want to scratch my ears. Perfect.

Avatar Strange Adventures in the City

One more for the road before the end of the month hits.

So it’s relatively early on a Thursday morning. It’s half term so I don’t need to take Reuben to school and decide to take it easy. I waltz into the city centre just after nine and help myself to an inexpensive coffee. Whilst I’m stood outside taking it all in I notice someone approaching from my left and I look up. It’s a young lady dressed as though she is returning from a night out with admittedly the worst fake eyelashes I’ve ever seen. She asks for a cigarette so I do the nice thing and pass her one of my spares. This automatically guarantees about three minutes of conversation; that’s what you get when you hand someone a tab these days.

She makes a point of stating that it would take far too long to explain just what is going on so I ask for a shortened version. As it turns out she is just returning from a night out and she is still very much drunk to the point where she can’t stand still stood up and leans against the wall. Her friend has received some excellent news, even though she lives in a different part of the country, and she has been out celebrating with some people for about twelve hours.

It is at this moment I should point out that she is clutching two plastic bags, one of which contains her effects and the other is over-flowing with crisps.

So I listen a little more and offer my opinion on what she should do. She’s tired; I suggest going home to bed. She’s cold; I suggest going home to bed. She wants another cigarette; I’ve only got a Vype vape with me. I’m not trying to get rid of her but it seems like that is the best thing for her at the moment. In her broad Irish accent she asks if I could phone for a taxi and because I’m running out of time to get to work I help her out again. She doesn’t want to be left alone so I stay with her until the taxi arrives. Most of her conversation revolves around how much she is looking forward to going home and that nettle cheese is one of the best cheeses she’s ever tasted. I get that about five or six times, the recommendation and where to purchase it from. I’m also told that pesto goes very well with pasta.

For all my assistance I get a hug and a fond farewell. Was I looking for anything else? My coffee has gone cold. The time has just gone half nine so I need to be on my way. I wasn’t looking for anything else, and I got a cheese recommendation to boot. That suits me fine.