Devastating news has been reported from the United Nations after it was decided that, having reached the grand total of one billion love songs, there will be no more after midnight tonight.
When top-charting scuzz pop double act Mozz P released ‘Love Ring’ on streaming services at 9:01am this Monday little did they know how important a song it would end up being. I mean it’s not a great song, in fact it’s pretty awful and degrading to both men and women. I would even go so far as to say it’s less a song and more two idiots shouting, “LOVE RING! LOVE RING!” through an auto-tuner whilst someone else’s music plays in the background. It has, however, been decided that this will be the very last love song ever released and that moving forward no new love songs will be permitted. This may seem like a pretty harsh indictment but when you consider the evidence it makes perfect sense. Jupiter Bromport from the United Nations spoke with our reporter earlier this week.
“There’s too many of them. One billion songs? Are you kidding me?” mused Jupiter Bromport as she sipped a cappuccino from the side of her mouth. “We paid an intern to write an algorithm to work out the percentage of songs in the modern world concerning love and apparently a staggering 94.6% of all songs ever released are about love. We need a little more diversity. Considering the amount of “things” we have today it is strange that people still tend to dwell on the same ideas and notions. Nobody is condoning the universal appeal of love and all aspects of love but would it kill people to maybe write one about a pirate cat or a mud princess swimming in Stockport every once in a while? I personally would love more songs about what happens to your clean washing if you leave it on the floor for too long.”
The news has left several prominent song writers in quite a quandary. Ed Sheeran was seen downing a whole bag of ‘Pick ‘N’ Mix’ all at the same time. He refused to comment and spent over an hour hiding in the bathroom at the Butt and Oyster pub before climbing out the window. Billie Eilish openly protested when she heard the news; she threw a loud and nasal tantrum and then threw a tin of pop over a carousel horse in New York. Reports are still coming in however it has been mentioned that Ariana Grande may or may not have aggressively solved a child’s Rubik’s Cube in downtown Los Angeles. Whether it was to do with the news is still unconfirmed. We are still awaiting official news from Michael Buble and Lionel Ritchie.
It’s not all doom and gloom though. Roger Waters had been working on a new rock opera about the name change when cleaning product giant Jif changed to Cif in December 2000. Since the headlines first hit, his ticket sales have quadrupled, selling out venues all over the UK and Ireland.
8 comments on “Newsboost – No more love songs”
I think this is fair enough. It’s high time people started writing songs about something else now. They’re all about love, aren’t they, and there’s so much more to write about. Let’s embark on a new era where all the pop songs are about interesting recipes for midweek dinners or something.
Surely after a decade of writing stuff like that, the Papples are going to re-emerge at the top of the charts with a multitude of their non-love based offerings.
My money’s on ‘Swamp Hospital’.
Yes, that’s a classic of the Not A Love Song genre. Mincey Beef should top the streaming charts too, it’s about as far from romance as you can get.
‘Dirty Chips’ runs dangerously close to the ‘love’ thing because Kev is clearly in love with his dirty chips and would do anything for them. We all know that when he’s pushing them into his face it makes his world a better place. If Lionel Ritchie sung that, all the ladies would be swooning.
They would. I seem to remember Kev once mumbled something in his sleep about the song originally being written for Lionel Ritchie.
Ritchie was going to do a megamix of all his hits and mix in ‘Dirty Chips’ as a sample. Kev wouldn’t give him permission because he turned it down originally and you know how Kev gets, very possessive. I once tried to sing it and he got me arrested.
He does get possessive. I once asked him to hold my jumper while I tied my shoelace, and not only did he refuse to give it back, he now claims to have invented the entire concept of knitwear.
That’s so Kev. He did the same thing with Reggae Reggae sauce. You should have seen the look on Levi Roots’ viso/volto.