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Chris, I need you to call the Customer Service Desk; an old lady has turned up wanting to return a half-eaten box of grapes and exchange it for a soup ladle. Then when that’s sorted can you ring Captain and ask him if he has had sight of the whale in the last fifteen hours. There were a few blips on the sonar yesterday morning and if we need to start preparing the harpoons I would rather know now.

If Kev is still here and within an audible range, I need you to visit John/Michelle, who is currently in the middle of his/her sex change operation, and ask him/her to cover the deli counter over lunch because Barbara had to call in sick. Once that’s out the way can you make call Jane’s Cage to ask when she is likely to be able to move it to a more convenient place as it is clogging up aisle twelve and nobody can reach the tinned prunes.

Meanwhile I need to contact Wendy who, for some reason, has morphed into an Argos store. Before she starts selling reasonably-priced home and garden wares, in addition to electronics and toys, I must insist that she goes home and calls someone who is more qualified to deal with this situation. I also have to phone FTG (“Furious Toga Gargoyle”) who is parading around the freezer section and flashing his turgid, green dangly bits to anyone within reach. It really is more a matter for the police however I intend to deal with it before we escalate it to the correct authorities.

Let’s not dawdle now, people, we all have a busy day ahead of us.

19 comments on “Your Contact Numbers

  • Sure, no problem. I’ll be on it just as soon as I’ve phoned Denice and asked her what on earth is going on with the spelling of her name.

  • Please do. It had slipped my mind and now it’s the only thing I can see, except for the Cash.

    I’ve never received a call from Cash and whenever I try to call them they never pick up.

  • Right, I spoke to the Captain. He says he’s got a good feeling about the whale, he reckons it’ll be on board in the coming week, and can we clear some space in the BWS (“Big Wet Slippery”) aisle for it.

  • That’s excellent work. Thank you.

    You won’t be too surprised to hear that Kev has not attended to any of his duties yet. We may need to divvy his duties between the remaining staff.

    I’ll ensure there is space in the BWS aisle for the whale.

    … on board? Was that a dad joke?

  • Sorry, I went to see Jane’s Cage and she muttered something about minding my own business, pushed me in the cage, locked it and went on holiday.

    I only survived by eating the individual sauce portions I found in a box at the back of the cage.

    I’m surprised you didn’t hear my cries for help, luckily Captain was passing by and he freed me.

  • Is “backdoor” an actual place? I don’t want to dial 239 only to find I’ve got the hotline to Ian’s ass.

  • That’s good to know.

    Interestingly, I just called 203 to see which Tracy it was. Turns out it’s Tracy Chapman. She was singing something miserable so I hung up.

  • Was she singing about a fast car? You’d think a song about a fast car would be fast, but it’s not. Alanis Morissette would sing a song about how that’s ironic, but it’s not, but it is. Aren’t words confusing?

  • Words are confusing, but less so than the popularity of Tracy Chapman.

    I wouldn’t say that to Tracy, obviously, but I did mention it to the Deli when I phoned them just now.

  • I always thought John/Michelle would be a fan of Jean-Michel Jarre.

    Are Trading fans of Joan Armatrading?

  • I’m pretty sure they are.

    Last time I called Cash I’m pretty sure I could hear Ring of Fire playing in the background.

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