Avatar Job application

Dearly beloved,

While we all feel deep sorrow in the Holy Father’s passing, the time is now right for me to throw my hat into the ring and offer the benefit of my expertise for the betterment of mankind. I am officially applying to be the next Pope.

At this stage, I acknowledge that I am something of an outside candidate. But I believe that I’m able to offer a unique package that is sure to turn heads in the upcoming Papal Conclave.

  • No allegiance to any Catholic faction
    I am not allied to the Jesuits, Marianists or any other Catholic faction, which puts me in an ideal position to appeal to, and be embraced by, all those of Catholic faith. Having no prior allegiance I come to the role as a blank slate, able to rise above any differences. In fact I’m not a Catholic at all and don’t believe in god, so my neutrality is unrivalled among the other candidates.
  • Willing to maintain Pope Francis’s vow of a simple life
    I do not require great riches or a lavish lifestyle. I will lead by example, being entirely content to live in my Apostolic Palace within the walls of my own personal city-state, enjoy the excellent food and wine available in Rome, have a specially created car to drive me around wherever I go and travel the world on a regular basis. I am good at waving.
  • Looks good in white
    I wear a lot of bright colours but actually white suits me as well. I’d probably have the Vatican tailors make me some white jeans and hoodies for dress down occasions.
  • No background of scandal or controversy
    None that you can prove, anyway.
  • Happy to wear a small hat
    As a man who is steadily thinning out on top, I am more than happy to wear one of those little round Pope hats, which will actually serve to protect the top of my head from the 2,538 hours of Mediterranean sunshine the Italian climate will deliver each year. And in any case I think the big tall hats that Cardinals and Bishops wear would be a bit much and probably wouldn’t suit my bone structure.

In light of all the above I would be delighted to be considered for the role of Pope. My message to the College of Cardinals is simple: consider me!

Avatar Clompetition time (again again)

We’re back again to bother you with the possibility of having that briefest glimpse of hope of winning. Winning something? No, no, merely winning. You can’t put a price on that.

Today’s sponsor is Bluebocado, the fruit that never gives up. If you want the taste of blueberries with the hearty goodness of avocados then you need to get some Bluebocado in your life.

What sell by date did this attractive jar of marmalade have?

Avatar Easter Eggcess

You probably know that, once Easter Sunday is gone, the supermarkets want to ditch their remaining Easter eggs and clear the shelves for something else.

Anyway, it turns out that if you’re a grown up you can do what you want, so on Monday we bought all this.

Then, on Tuesday, we came home to find that each of us had bought some more without mentioning it to the other. So now we have everything you see above, plus three more of the biggest Easter eggs, six more smaller ones, another 16 Creme Eggs, some sort of Creme Egg chocolate bar, quite a lot of Reese’s Eggs, numerous Cadbury’s Caramel eggs and two Toblerone products called Edgy Eggs.

We are now faced with a storage problem that, somehow, neither of us had foreseen.

Anyway, don’t worry too much, we’ll sort it out one way or another.

Avatar Newsboost – A Smidge too far

Following on from last month’s report on the super trooper mega fruit, celebrity endorsements have been swooping in like magpies at a pirate’s birthday party.

People have been queuing around the block to try to get their greasy hands on the Bluebocado, the latest food to tantalise the taste buds of those lucky enough to find some. Our report in March highlighted the claims made by the manufacturer whilst also questioning the positive aspects that the scientists were pushing so hard into the public’s consciousness. It would seem as though those doubts were somewhat unfounded as people have been raving about the Bluebocado all over social media and in those groups of people you still see in offices huddled around water and coffee machines:

“Sensational!” wrote someone.

“A taste sensation,” wrote another.

“Has anyone called it ‘sensational’ yet?” queried my landlord.

We managed to secure a small punnet last week and after carving them into tiny morsels and putting them on cocktail sticks (still rocking the 1970’s here over at Newsboost towers) we can confirm that the Bluebocado tastes as good as the world is declaring.

As previously mentioned, celebrities have been lining up to offer their thanks, their praise and their time to continue the good word. Sting has decided to write an entire double album about the super fruit on his lute. Timothee Chalamet was pictured leaving a nightclub in Soho in the wee small hours with a pack under his leather jacket. Zendaya turned up at LAX with a megaphone to proclaim that the Bluebocado was the best thing to happen to her since teeth. What really surprised the world though was when the unlikeliest of candidates stepped up.

Walking almanac anorak of questions, Smidge Manley, held a press conference in his back garden earlier this week to announce that he would be the face of the Bluebocado. He claimed to have signed a lucrative contract with the owners for full exposure.

“I’ve decided not to run in the local by-election anymore because my heart lies with the delicate taste of the Bluebocado. You’ll soon see my face promoting it here, there and even everywhere. You may even get tired of seeing my face, at which point they’ll turn me into a cartoon raven or a bee, like they did with that dog insurance guy. Bernard? Thatcher? One of them. I’ll be him, but for fruit.”

An interesting turn of events by all accounts.

Avatar Happening soon

Guys, everyone, I know this is upsetting to some but I needed to get the word out now before it’s too late.

Gary Barlow is happening soon!

Now I’m not expecting people to start jumping into their nuclear bunkers immediately. It looks as though we have a window, how long is anyone’s guess. As long as you’re busy looking through Barlow Handbook when you have the chance to do so then that’s all we can ask.

Double check that you have plenty of water and tinned food. Carry out plenty of practise exercises with your ear defenders and earplugs.

Don’t take any risks. If you see a Gary Barlow coming towards you, whether or not he is singing, turn around calmly and walk in the other direction with your hands over your ears.

And whatever you do, don’t click that button; you do *not* want any more information.

Avatar A criminal act

Sorry to end the month on a downer, but I think this has to be shared.

I no longer eat at the canteen at work. The reasons are varied, and include steadily deteriorating portion sizes, a reduction in options and eye watering prices. The thing that finally put paid to my days as an occasional canteen customer, though, was this.

This was sold as a Yorkshire pudding.

I don’t know what it was made of or how it was produced. It was not a Yorkshire pudding. It neither looked nor tasted like one. And even leaving aside the hideous insult this presents to my homeland, and taking it only on the merits of it being a foodstuff someone had prepared, it was pretty much inedible. Somehow its creator had created a substance that was simultaneously chewy and inedibly hard.

Anyway, it was a little while ago now and I’m not nearly as upset as I was, but I will be referring the matter to the police all the same.

Avatar Spoons

I’ve developed a new hobby… carving spoons. Its really therapeutic. I got the idea as I was pondering something different we could teach the scouts on camp, and I happened across the idea of spoon carving.

I did what most people do these days and looked on amazon, where I discovered that hook knives (that you need to carve out the ‘bowl’) are too expensive to buy 15 of them for a camp. So then I looked at eBay, and discovered that you cant buy knives on ebay. So then I looked at AliExpress, the cheaper, dodgier, Chineseier version of Amazon and bought a load of them for £2.50 each! Woo.

Anyway I had to get a bit of practice in before I taught a load of kids how to do it, so after too many hours on YouTube these are the result, my spoons.

Hand carved wooden spoons

From left to right…

  1. First attempt, using a bit of old pine bed slat
  2. A walnut spoon, much better.
  3. A (bed slat pine) Welsh love spoon, an additional (late) valentines present to Sarah.
  4. My favourite spoon so far, I’ve no idea what the wood was but it finished up lovely.
  5. Roughed out spoon from this weekend’s camping, made from freshly cut silver birch (tree had blown over in a storm) needs to dry out before I can finish it nicely.
  6. The tools. (Not the cheap AliExpress ones though. Once I made the first spoon and enjoyed it I bought myself some nice MoraKniv ones)

So there you are. Spoons.