Up Close and Personal

Following the recent startling relevation that former news reader Nicholas Witchell is a decent guy who will allow himself to be winched into a sewer to check on the wellbeing of a former 80’s puppet celebrity, it was also revealed the unique complexities of his complexion.

Nicholas Witchell’s face contains smaller versions of his face, and on each of those faces is another collection of faces.

It has not been checked thoroughly but scientists have theorised that the “face phenomena” could go on forever. It could easily rival the ever-expanding universe as the thing that nobody can really comprehend fully because if you did you might hide in a yurt and eat tv guides due to the fact that you’d lost you mind.

It’s dangerous out there.

Lemon Doberman

Do you want a dog?

Really? Do you really, really want a dog? Of course you do you’re a human being, and a human being can’t be a being without a doing. As in you cannot spell the word ‘doing’ without the word ‘dog’.

Hi, I’m Blemish Tuneraft and I’m owner and founder of Lemon Doberman. Lemon Doberman is exactly what you think it is. And it does. We breed and produce dobermans that smell of lemons in a pure and natural way. You may think that science has stuck its big, ugly, man-shaped oars into our processes however it just isn’t true. Everything about our lemony dobermans is legitimate. We have a proven track record.

It isn’t as if we found that the smell of dogs was unpleasant. Not in the slightest. In fact, we are attempting to rustle up some dog-scented aftershave for the first quarter of 2017. No, what we set out to do at Lemon Doberman was to improve on an already well-established and much-loved sanctuary.

Everyone loves a doberman.
Everyone loves the smell of lemons.
Why not combine the two?

The feedback we’ve received has been phenomenal so far. We are looking to send our sweet-smelling doggies into the furthest reaches of the UK and possibly even abroad. If all goes well then who knows? We are hoping that if our rate of success continues to increase at an exponential rate then it will only be a matter of time before Belgian Chocolate Mastiffs and Lavender German Shepherds are available to the general public.

If you’ve got a big heart, a large house and a desire for citrus fruits then you know what you need is a Lemon Doberman.

The Caboodle List – The Seven Tasks of Kevin

I’ve had many jobs in my long and illuminating life. Everything you can think of from washing machine repair man to office monkey to cleaning jockey to whipping boy. I have ticked a lot of boxes and with so many years left to go it’s fair to say that I’ll have a couple more under my belt shortly.

Will any of them ever compare to my bingo trophy though?

That said, recently a new responsibility was thrust upon my paws. Kevin has been at a loose end since his doctor told him that he could no longer perform any further alteration work to his property because it could mean the end of his plica semilunaris. So what does someone do when their very livelihood is taken away from them? They need… BORING CHORES. Normally it would fall to Mr Hill’s lovely but lunatic wife to fill this void, however she has been kind enough to pass the mantle to me so that she is free to pursue her various worthwhile pursuits. Things like, oh I don’t know, goat chasing. That seems like something she would do.

It has taken the last fortnight or so but I believe I have drafted a list the likes of which has never been seen by human EYES before. It is so demanding, so time consuming, so all-encompassing that the chances of Kevin ever doing anything else ever again is slim to none. Kneel before the might of the Caboodle List:

Caboodle List

1. Slice each and every pea in a full bag of frozen peas in three equal portions. If at any point an unequal portion is discovered then Kevin must throw out everything done so far and start with a fresh bag.
2. Remove all of the trodden on chewing gum from the pavements of Main Street in Garforth. A particular haven for the delinquents and youths of the surrounding area, this battered lane of masticated gum receives new donations on a daily basis.
3. Phone every person in the Thomson Local phone book to offer them a free bag of yeast. There are over two million people currently living in West Yorkshire; that’s a lot of minutes and a rather large crick waiting to develop in his neck
4. Recreate ‘Earthly Delights’ by the artist Bosch on the beach in the sand using only a stick within two metes of the sea. Hopefully the water will continually lap against his work thus making the task impossible to complete.
5. Travel from Lands End to John O’ Groats using only a skateboard with a broken wheel or a bike made of marshmallows. This one seems the most feasible of the five so far.
6. Read every book in your nearest bookshop without purchasing any books and without the owners realising. This will require a fair amount of stealth and a lot of patience, especially considering the long and winding narrative of Jonathan Swift.
7. Count out ten thousand pounds in one penny coins. Kev hates change.

There were much more fiendish tasks that could have been set but I believe this is enough to get started. The great thing about the Caboodle List is that matters can be added at any time to bulk them out a bit in case Kev feels bored.

These are the endeavours one must endure as his secretary.

Newsboost – Rowdy Roland Rat Tumble Rumble Roundhouse

NEWS JUST IN!

Roland Rat has fallen down a manhole into the sewer close to his home near Stepney Green.

We have received a report that eighties megastar Roland was enjoying a mid evening jog with fellow tv personality Kevin the Gerbil when he lost his footing and accidentally dropped through the ground into the murky depths below.

Roland Rat shot to fame after discovering he was a puppet and children have a short attention span. Before long he was gracing everything from television to lunch boxes to a really terrible game on the ZX Spectrum.

Rat’s mansion is rumoured to be the second-largest in the whole of the UK, closely behind Mr Chang and his up until recently ever expanding home improvements centre. It also has ten times, or tice, as many toilets as the number in Chris and Elena’s new flat.

The BBC have a newscopter hovering over the manhole and George Alla… George Allegeyah… George Alegra… Nicholas Witchell is being lowered on a rope to interview him.

More to follow as the action happens.

Nana Nanas – Behind The Scenes

Oh hi. I didn’t see you there. Well, seeing as you’ve already jumped over the 8ft high chain-link fence, snuck past the security guards and dodged all the bear traps I left in the lobby you can stay.

We are currently shooting fresh scenes for ITV2’s newest fly-on-the-wall cum soap opera ‘Nana Nanas’ about a group of bananas who join the police force but can’t help get into the strangest and yet also thought-provoking scenarios that reflect the problems of everyday people and everyday life. The only problem is that the cast have a lifespan of about seven days which means that we are constantly having to recruit new actors to fill in the roles. The new actors are given new roles meaning that there is a constant revolving door of bananas starting out, breaking through and retiring within the space of a week. It is a constant headache for the writers who have only been doing this for the best part of a month but are running out of ideas for new characters.

You should also not confuse ‘Nana Nanas’ with ‘Nana Nanas’, which is a coming of age documentary about retired bananas trying to start fresh careers in the twilight of their years and something completely different.

Here you can see young heart-throb Jacob and seductress Cleo indulging in a sexy hot tub moment after a busy day shift. Jacob is in two minds about the whole thing, given how Linda stopped him in the corridor at the station to tell him just how she really feels. Cleo has had designs on Jacob since the last episode and has finally found the chance to make her move. Meanwhile Cleo’s dad, who also happens to be the chief superintendent leader police person king man, has followed them to Jacob’s flat and is furious that his star officer is fraternising with his daughter. As the chaos ensues, notorious, as in for the last two episodes, sex addict and pervert next door neighbour Shonky T. Nuisance looks on, hiding in the corner pretending to be a particularly unconvincing corner lamp.

I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right that it is very little work that results in a huge amount of reward. But isn’t that most of ITV2’s programming schedule?

Guards! Please escort this ruffian off my set, thank you.

Owl Kitchen. Or not?

When you’re walking around a shop there is a fair amount of pressure. You, as a consumer, need to spend your money otherwise the shop won’t be there anymore. So what will you buy? What wonders would you prefer to spend your hard-earned cash on?

For instance, would you like to buy this?

Now I am all for knick knacks and tat yet I am confused and perturbed as to what this owl wants. Clearly it wants to cook but it can’t spell ‘cook’ so it looks like it is asking for ‘cok’. So is this an owl with poor spelling and grammar? Was it the result of bad education?

Unless its eyes are the o’s but then there’d be three so the item’s message is ‘coook’ which is the kind of enthusiasm I can fully understand. But then why a spoon and a fork? Why is the owl trying to eat a fish when owls don’t eat fish?

I stared for a good five minutes at this the other day and I am still no further forward. Perhaps somebody else might be able to solve the mystery.

I like owls but this just seems wrong.

Positive Moments

I know there’s been a lot of bad things happening recently. Just today I discovered that the patent on application number EP96923892.2 expired on 21 June. Very, very sad times.

It can’t be all doom and gloom though, right? There has to be some bright cheeks peeking out between the hazard clouds. It’s a good job that I am here to wheel out the happy high fives.

In addition to the thrilling news that my new book, ‘Thirst Pocket Hysteria; a Nation in Crisis’, which deals with the sudden outbreak of panic amongst the general public due to the baffling rise of the Vanish Tip Exchange and people bulk-buying kitchen roll at an alarming rate, available at all general and local book stores come this Friday, is out, I also have a story which will warm the very deepest and very murkiest corners of your hearts.

Those with a keen mind will remember that my very first post on the then new look Beans on 3rd February 2014 dealt with a mild irritation concerning a lollipop man who works near my office. If you can’t remember it then it is also here like a tasty mung bean salad. He clearly could not handle how great I was, and still am, and chose to deal with this by being quietly hostile, ignoring my attempts to break the ice. A period of two years elapsed with no further instances until a couple of months ago I crossed the road and in reaching the other side he finally spoke up with, “Good Morning.”

I was stunned. All this time and now he chose to speak up? A lessor man would scoff and walk on, but there was something in his approach which made me re-consider my choices. The conflict was over. The battle was done. I dusted off the dour days go by, held my head up and retorted with an equally chipper, “Good Morning!” Now it happens each time I cross the road at his crossing. He sometimes even smiles. We are the best of fake office grunt and lollipop man friends.

I am still a little confused as to why the council would pay a man to stand next to a pelican crossing and help people cross the road where an automated system has been put in place for that very reason… but hey, that is not my beef.

This has been Positive Moments for the Beans Network. If you would like to share your positive moments with us then please don’t.

And now back to Chris…

Slut-Dropping in the USA

I am the master of the slut drop.

This is not one of those X Factor “I can sing and I’m going to show the world just how good I am only to fail miserably as it turns out I’m not very good at singing in the slightest and I’ve just shown sixty million people how stupid I am” moments. This is one of those “I am so good” moments.

For those who are not in the know, a slut drop, as defined by the urban dictionary, is, “a move in “dirty dancing” involving standing with legs bending the knees, squatting until the buttocks almost reach the floor and standing back up with a body roll.” I have unwittingly been doing this most of my modern life and it wasn’t until recently that I learned that it was an actual thing with an actual name. It’s a little like Stop, Drop and Roll but with less roll.

Having conquered the world of fixing washing machines (erm…), it was only a matter of time before I moved on to the next thing. It had occurred to me that the list of things I am excellent at is so vast I wasn’t sure how I was going to narrow it down. Whatever I needed to do to work it out, it was certainly going to be an all-nighter. And just so you know, it’s very difficult being this accomplished because it opens you up to an awful lot of criticism and jealousy.

So, what does one do when one possesses talents such as these? Sit on them and hope to get famous anyway? Hide in a cupboard? No. I have to take this out on the road and head direct to the heart of the action. The World Slut Drop Championships are held in Kansas City, Missouri each year. Without a shadow of a doubt I am convinced that I can win it. So, with the financial help of the beans massive, I will be flying out in the next couple of weeks to face the creme de la creme of the slut-dropping community.

Can I beat Sophie ‘Um Chuka Chuka’ Candice? Will I be able to defeat the two times winner Bish Bush Cacklewonker? Will I have the strength to take on the Qwindle Twins?

With your money in my pocket, I’m sure I will.

Pouring
Beans

Author: Ian “Air Travel Regulations” McIver