Category: Charming Pastimes

Avatar Big Frank’s Global Domination – Graphic Design

It’s been a while since we last caught up with Chris’ dad, Big Frank, so let’s delve back into his crazy life and see what he’s been up to in the last twelve months.

It seems as though Big Frank has grown tired of boats and bicycles, and has entered the challenging word of graphic design. His new company, BigfrankMedia, are a creative graphic design communications agency working across all media in London. He works closely with clients, building long term relationships and delivering practical solutions that work.

This is in direct contrast to when I last saw him, telling Alexa to find a song so that he could play this to me, and inviting me into his house for pre-Christmas booze.

I am also reliably informed that BigfrankMedia has an innovative, hands-on approach. He designs everything from brochures, books, magazines and posters to websites, interiors and identities. If he’s known well throughout London I am surprised that Chris has not mentioned this sooner, given that he is Lord Mayor and Emperor of somewhere down South, presumably London.

I have always known Big Frank to be positive and committed to making a difference. It is nice that he is carrying the same ethics across to his company and bringing joy to people’s lives.

With the deepest of respect, I think we should all raise a glass to toast our dear friend and sometimes parent, Big Frank.

 

Avatar We Buy Any Sheep DOT com

Do you have a lot of sheep? Are you tired of having a lot of sheep? Wouldn’t you much rather get rid of your sheep and enjoy having a sheep-free lifestyle?

You need webuyanysheep.com

We will buy your sheep in any condition, any age, any colour, creed or denomination. We will take however many sheep off your hands and give you the best possible price on the market right now.

We want your sheep and we will do anything to get your sheep. Anything at all. We have done awful things to get other people’s sheep and we will do the same to you, unless you give us your sheep.

Bring on the sheep. We will glady take your sheep when you’re sleeping. We would much rather give you a great deal than sneaking into your premises at night and bundling them into our trusted van.

Give us your damn sheep right now and nobody gets hurt.

Avatar The Book

Rejoice! The Book, bane of the Beans for nine long years, is finished! Now a prestigious company (Pouring Beans Publishing) has rushed out a massive print run (three copies) to an eager and very excited audience (us). It may henceforth be referred to by its title, The Magic Star, or by its actual real genuine ISBN number, 978-1-38-934293-6, or just as “The Book” which is what we’ve been calling it since January 2009.

If reading the actual book is not enough, you can now also read it online, a bit like a modern e-book on a Kindle or something, except it’s just a PDF on the website. It is here in our vastly underused Things section.

Hooray!

Avatar Wooden Juice – a poem

I am afraid of wooden juice,
I don’t know how it works,
I know of liquid juices and
The taste, the thrill, the perks!
My mind cannot comprehend
How solid juice will fit
Down my neck and throat,
Won’t it get stuck in my armpit?

People say to chop it up,
“That’s the best way to do it!”
But others say that doesn’t do,
“You should just opt to neck it!”

As the days wear on I struggle
As to my final decision,
So I flip a coin in the end,
To avoid further mind collision.
It lands on ‘heads’, I’m doing it,
I’ll drink it down in one!
I tilt my head back slowly
Oh, the process has begun!

I woke up in the hospital,
The doctors say I’ll last.
There’s a jug next to my bedside,
This time I’ll drink it fast!

Avatar The Kipper Experience

You will all be sad to know that my washing-machine repair days are finally behind me. Even though it was only a career that lasted a couple of years, I feel as though I have given all I can give. Anyone who is still on the waiting list, I will do my best to see to your fallen machines however you may choose to seek another professional’s due care and attention if the fault demands immediate attention.

A wise man once told me, “Life is for living,” and boy was he right. Sometimes you have to take a leap into the unknown in order to find the right thing for you. In a way I have always known what I wanted to do and it is only now that I have managed to sort myself out. What my life needed was kippers.

Kippers are the only food you can have for any meal. They’re small, oily and very popular around the world. What I mean by a ‘Kipper Experience’ is one whereby you live like a kipper. You are one with the kipper. There are so many things that you can learn by becoming a kipper that most people are completely unaware of. Yes, it does demand a lot of your time. You can sign up for one of the weekend retreats to begin with, just in case you are a little uncertain as to whether this is the right thing for you, but once you’ve gotten past this hurdle I would thoroughly recommend the week and month long excursions available.

Very soon I will be taking off to the Isle of Man. I have just returned from a week in the village of Craster in Northumberland, living the kipper dream. I met a large array of different kippers, all of whom welcomed me as one of their own. I can only hope that when you choose a ‘Kipper Experience’ it will be as wonderful as my own.

Avatar Big Frank’s Global Domination – Boats and Boards

It would appear as though modes of transport feature prominently in Big Frank’s corporate takeover of everything. And why shouldn’t it? Without transportation the world would be a shuffling mass of high-waisted, thick legged, wind-encrusted bipedal animals. One cannot take lightly the invention of the steamroller, the tractor, the ice cream or hot dog cart and the penny farthing. I could not get from ‘A’ to ‘B’ and maybe sidle over to ‘E’ when I’m feeling funky unless I had my trusty one of them mentioned above.

And so we move on from my common ramblings to the business at hand:

Big Frank’s Outdoors

It would appear as though Frank is trying to reprimand the whole of the outside world, and what a feat that would be if he was successful. As well as this though his business, located in the shady realm of Maryville, Tennessee, does a broad deal in boats, boards and cycling equipment.

The blurb says that, “after enjoying a successfully 17 year career in sales with two national corporations, he decided it was time to follow his passion. His love of adventure and the great outdoors was calling and it was time to answer.  Frank started Big Frank’s Outdoors with the hopes of combining his business knowledge and his favourite hobbies biking, boarding, and boating.” This is clearly our Big Frank.

One of my first meetings with him was when I went round to see Chris. Big Frank was balanced on a boat, floating in the back garden, trying to pop a wheelie on a mountain bike. It was the most incredible thing I had seen that morning and a memory that will stay with me long after the curtains have closed on my sorry a*s. He does love his bike-balancing escapades.

I only wish his “Outdoors” was close enough for me to visit and share the love. It wouldn’t be global domination though if all his conquests were on my doorstep. In fact it would be fairly narrow-sighted and just a little big lacking if I walked outside of work to see Big Frank’s face across the road. No, it is obvious that in order to continue his empire he must spread like a soft cheese around the world.

I look forward to where he lands next.

Avatar Episode 1: Your Mum loves a sexy pony

This right here, is a world exclusive. I know technically (and actually) all of our posts are world exclusives, but some of them just feel more worthy of the title than others, that’s all I’m saying. And what I’m saying is that this is one of them.

So. Right then. Here it is. In a first for Pouring Beans Productions, here is your very first actual Pouring Beans Podcast.

It doesn’t really have a name as such, except that this one is the first one and features the phrase, “Your Mum loves a sexy pony”. So i guess its called Episode 1: Your Mum loves a sexy pony.

EDIT: You can now subscribe to all of the wonderfulness in iTunes: https://itunes.apple.com/gb/podcast/pouringbeans/id1202597817