The Trip Home

Last weekend was mostly spent discovering how difficult it is to be a rapper. Not only in spirit but also in words, and that whilst I may be adept at sweating lyrics I’m not particularly great at spitting them. In any case eventful as the Saturday and Sunday were they could not prepare me for what was about to happen on the train ride home.

Kevin was selfish enough to leave the train at York to go home and see his wife, or whatever. What was I supposed to do for the next hour and a half until I reached Newcastle? Luckily we had clocked an acquaintance of mine in the other carriage, Tony, and thus once Kevin had departed I moved down the train to sit with Tony and his friend Tony. Their other friend, Tony, had unfortunately had a few too many drinks before getting on so when he tried to leave and piss on the platform it took Tony, Tony and Tony to restrain him and drag him back to his seat.

Tony meanwhile regaled me of their antics over the weekend, which mainly consisted of football, sausage rolls and soiled pants. Tony couldn’t help himself and bellowed down to his counterpart, Tony, who had sat in the wrong seats, and ridiculed him openly much to the bemusement of the other passengers. Tony had passed out, which was for the best. It also meant that Tony and Tony could join myself and Tony for a few drinks of our own.

It didn’t take long before Tony was waxing lyrical about all manner of subjects. It reminded me how lucky I was to know these people who were so generous and kind and lived a rich and wonderful life. One only had to gaze upon the cheery faces of the rest of the carriage to know that I had made the right decision to move into the group and join in with the camaraderie.

Newcastle station came all too soon and it wasn’t long before Tony and Tony climbed into the back of Tony’s car and all four of them left into the darkest night. Tony helped Tony into a taxi leaving Tony to wait for his wife to pick him up.

I only wish every journey could be as memorable as this.

Unusual Superheroes: The Car Man

I have a mild infatuation with comics and Kevin’s favourite, the graphic novel, but I have to admit that I was completely bamboozled by the superhero commonly known as ‘Car Man’.

From what I can gather his special powers appear to consist of being handsome, oozing broodiness and the ability to seduce both men and women. He likes to walk around without a shirt on on hot summer days and stir up trouble. I expect he’s one of those troubled superheroes that keeps cropping up, with a tragic back story that is only hinted at rather than fully explained. That’s why he keeps dancing. Why does he keep dancing? He’s troubled. You see, it makes perfect sense.

His misfortunes continue when he struggles to hold his drink down, a bit like me after a pint and a half of cheeky dragon, and fails when trying to emulate his hero, Tyler Durden, from the popular book and film ‘Fight Club’ during his own fight club. The Car Man cannot live with himself knowing he sucks at the one thing that should ultimately prove him as the manliest man alive and thus gets shot by some bint on a staircase. In his final moments, the Car Man wishes he had better super powers because broodiness cannot stop a bullet. That’s why I always walk around with a pan lid strapped to my chest.

I don’t think that children will ever want to be the Car Man because he’s not fun like Spiderman or has gadgets like Batman. Ultimately he will struggle for mass appeal which is why you won’t see me with his confused, sweaty face on my lunchbox.

Sneaky peeky

Yes! It’s true: Smidge Manly, host of the hit TV show “Essex Highway”, will shortly return to our screens in an exciting new documentary, Railways with Smidge Manly.

In this new programme of as-yet unknown length, Smidge goes on a personal journey to discover the answers to questions he’s had since he was a child; questions like: what are railways? Who put them there? How do trains work? And can they feel love?

Here’s a sneaky peeky trailer.

(You can’t watch the Sneaky Peeky trailer any more because the sound was a bit rubbish and the actual film is now online. Why don’t you go watch the film instead?)

A lost classic

Over the years, our various Film Production Companies – Constantly Falling Productions, Al and Chris Productions, Chris Productions and the world famous Pouring Beans Productions – have turned out one classic movie hit after another. But talk amongst fans often turns to the story, told in hushed tones around camp fires late at night, that there is another film that was made but never released because Al lost it.

Well, those stories are true, and what’s more, Al has found the missing film under a selection of gentlemen’s art pamphlets in his attic. For the first time in a decade, Al n Chris’s Big Day Out has been unearthed. It’s a thrilling story of teleportation, time travel and evil twins.

Obviously I can’t post it here ahead of its Leicester Square premiere, but I have chosen a short clip from the pre-titles part of the film that shows what an incredible find it really is. In the space of just 24 seconds, this clip contains brilliant acting, exciting CGI graphics, a powerful original musical score and some nudity. Enjoy!

Owl have a coffee

Current trends in the world of wildlife are all over the gossip pages of the newspapers these days. The pandas taking selfies, the rhino that hosted the Grammy awards and the arctic foxes wearing Naomi Campbell’s skin as a luxurious wrap are all well known.

But what about the less famous creatures of the world? What are they doing? It turns out that many woodland creatures are developing a taste for human food. Italian is popular with many species, with dormice in some parts of England now surviving entirely on conchiglie al forno, tiramisu and Chianti.

And if you don’t believe me, here’s an owl in a Leeds branch of Costa Coffee.

Tap Saga

Coming soon to a multi cineplexical screen near you…

“In a world where bathrooms are neglected, in a world where taps are taken for granted, in a world where washing your hands is no longer a common practice… he appeared!”

I’m going to go shopping for taps!

“It started off as a regular Sunday afternoon of bathroom fittings shopping with his lunatic wife, but fate had a different plan in store for Kevindo Menendez…”

In B & Q, the excitement is building! Tapgasm!

“His last minute substitution for taps and need for unnecessary DIY was about to send him on a journey he wasn’t prepared for, nor wanted to go on…”

FUCKING ARSE BOLLOCKS (sound of a breaking sink) WHO FUCKING FIXES IN A TAP WITH RESIN???

“… and so Kevindo Menendez was faced with a broken sink, a ruined finger and a thirst for adventure. This March feel the excitement, feel the magic, feel the tapgasm of the Tap Saga!”

A pox on Parcel Force!

“Sinking into cinemas March 27th.”

This Way Up: Episode 1

I know, I know: you’ve been waiting a long time. I’m sorry. But it’s finally here!

The long-awaited radio comedy debut of Reuben, Throckley Young Comedian Of The Year 2014 and three-time winner of “Funniest Person In Aud’s Living Room”, is ready to go.

(You can also download it if you like.)

Starring Reuben and Ian. Walk-on parts by Chris. A Pouring Beans Productions Production, probably.

A close encounter

So, the other day at work, I was being at work and doing work stuff in one of our little glass boxes, when I became aware of some sort of kerfuffle or brouhaha taking place just outside.

I turned to see a whole crowd of people from around the office floor all trying to take pictures on their phones. In the midst of them was a camera crew trying to set up to film a TV interview.

With them – dressed all in white from head to toe, and wearing the most tasteless crown imaginable – was Miss World.

Virtually every man on the entire floor queued up for a picture with Miss World (none of the women seemed interested), but because I was working in my little glass box, working and doing work, I didn’t actually meet her or get a picture to prove this happened. But what I DID get were these two incredible pictures taken through the glass that clearly show the close encounter I had with someone who is, according to an unassailably democratic process, officially the most beautiful woman in the world, apparently. And that is basically just as good.