Clickbait roundup

The internet is full of junk these days, articles promoted into your social media feeds and “related content” links in your news articles. And you want to read it all, of course you do, it looks fascinating. But you’re a busy Executive Gentleman with a busy executive lifestyle, and you don’t have time for all that.

So how are you going to keep up with your colleagues around the watercooler when they’re all discussing the latest clickbait articles they’ve been reading? Well, never fear. My new subscription service Clickbaitr is now up and running, and for a monthly fee I’ll summarise all the hottest clickbait on the internet so you can keep up with this rapidly changing world.

Interested? Of course you are. See below for your free trial of conveniently summarised clickbait junk.

New: Plunge Digital Yoghurt

Hi, Kevin here from Plunge Networks. Following our recent buyout of Skype, we’ve thought for literally minutes about what to do with the former biggest brand in consumer digital communications, and you know what we thought? That’s right, yoghurt!

Introducing Plunge Digital Yoghurt: the next evolution in snack technology. Upgrade your taste buds. Upgrade your lunch. Plunge Digital Yoghurt, where flavour meets innovation! Launching soon in two great flavours, combining everything you’ve come to know and love about Plunge Communications Networks Inc.

Fruity Mango: A smooth, tropical connection to your inner island. Enjoy a burst of tropical delight with every spoonful. Real mango bits, swirled into creamy, futuristic perfection.

Spicy WiFi: It’s tangy. It’s zesty. It pings your senses. This yoghurt packs a kick as electrifying as your internet connection. Can you handle the heat?

Whether you’re buffering between meetings or uploading flavour to your lunch break, Plunge Digital Yoghurt keeps you connected… deliciously.

Log on. Plunge in.

Newsboost – unused material (part one)

You may or may not remember the Newsboost Twitter account that I started back in 2014. It was a way of force-feeding mega news into the public subconscious via a steady stream. I ran it for roughly a year before abandoning it as one of those Beans side projects that didn’t quite work out as well as we’d hoped.

I still have the same notebook that I jotted ideas in. Most of them were used but there were some that didn’t make the cut, possibly because they were too “radical” for the time or, which is much more likely, because they were utter nonsense that popped into my head for a moment and there was nothing I could do with it.

Anyway, here’s a short list of what could’ve been:

A good chair shouldn’t be sat upon
Portable sarcasm
Pointy beard serving posts (?)
Credit card gifts to children for irresponsible parents
Broom jacket
Aliens have given up on earth
Drive by serenades
Recycling man caught littering
Skeleton career guidance
Polar bears stealing chips
Tub Barsley promises a marrow for every household
Backwards cutlery for dieters
THE NOSE IS THE FACE ON THE BODY OF THE FACE
Chicken on drums
Slowest tortoise keyboardist fired
Big ass television comeback
Growling slippers
New number set to debut this Autumn
Chronic pigs

I’ve listed this as ‘part one’ because after turning over the page there’s so much more and one month where I’m not particularly feeling it, I can whip this out again for a quick win.

Proof that not every idea is a good idea (but every invention is a good invention).

ABOFB 38: Depressing Food

Ey up Beans fans, we’re back again, right on time, like Black Box but spelled right. This time Chris asks us about the most depressing foods we’ve eaten, we discuss…

Generic Fried Chicken
Headrow Shopping Centre Food Court Pies
Not Roast Potatoes
Bad Burgers

Four Word Reviews: Dive In

I thought it was finally over. The terrible CDs had finally run out, and if you’ve been paying attention you’ll have seen that it’s been a full year since we last paid a visit to the Four Word Review Auditorium. But no, it seems my luck ran out a little while ago when a jiffy bag dropped through the letterbox containing Dive In, the 2002 debut album from Popstars and Pop Idol star/idol Darius. Oh dear. Brace yourself, then: we’re going back in.

Read More: Four Word Reviews: Dive In »

The what spray!?

Having a stroll through the middle of Lidl, like any good 40 year old man does, I came across some sprays.

Nothing too remarkable about that. These ones were a set of liquids intended to be aerosolled into various bits of a car engine…

Engine Starter Spray: Fair enough. I’ve never needed such a thing, but I can understand why it exists.

V-Belt Spray: Again, I’ve never needed such stuff but its existence makes sense to me.

Anti-??? Spray: It protects your leads and cables, apparently you need to do this. It has “Excellent adhesion” and “Lasting protection”. But from what?

Competitions seem to be all the rage on the Beans lately, so what do you think? What common engine based malaise is this spray protecting from?

Last minute rush

“… so nobody eat the mushroom cake because you could come out in a rash.

Moving onto our last race of the month, we see the “young” McIver slapping together whatever nonsense that could constitute as a post in order to fill his quota of four. It’ll probably have numerous spelling errors, make very little sense and be as disposable as any film created and released by Netflix.

Chris “Consider Me” Marshall, once the dark horse of the beans collective, now demoted to digging holes in his back garden and filling them with water just to get some attention. It’s a shameful practice and hopefully one that will eventually peter out because what the crowds want is more bathroom art and weird things he sees on the train to work posts. They ALWAYS go down a storm.

We finish, if you can call it a finish due to the unpredictable nature of the man, with the scant offerings of Kevin “Podcast pirate” Hill. Will he slide in with another podcast shortly before the end whistle? Will he be too tired to edit and post one? Does he have enough thumbs for the process after whittling so many wooden spoons? Only time will tell.

It’s going to be a scrabble however you look at it. Still we should all be grateful that these titans of men, these pillars of hope keep generating enough content to fill a website. Where others have fallen, they continue to get back up. I know I never get sick of reading it.

Anyway, onto Purdy’s prediction corner!”

Job application

Dearly beloved,

While we all feel deep sorrow in the Holy Father’s passing, the time is now right for me to throw my hat into the ring and offer the benefit of my expertise for the betterment of mankind. I am officially applying to be the next Pope.

At this stage, I acknowledge that I am something of an outside candidate. But I believe that I’m able to offer a unique package that is sure to turn heads in the upcoming Papal Conclave.

No allegiance to any Catholic faction
I am not allied to the Jesuits, Marianists or any other Catholic faction, which puts me in an ideal position to appeal to, and be embraced by, all those of Catholic faith. Having no prior allegiance I come to the role as a blank slate, able to rise above any differences. In fact I’m not a Catholic at all and don’t believe in god, so my neutrality is unrivalled among the other candidates.
Willing to maintain Pope Francis’s vow of a simple life
I do not require great riches or a lavish lifestyle. I will lead by example, being entirely content to live in my Apostolic Palace within the walls of my own personal city-state, enjoy the excellent food and wine available in Rome, have a specially created car to drive me around wherever I go and travel the world on a regular basis. I am good at waving.
Looks good in white
I wear a lot of bright colours but actually white suits me as well. I’d probably have the Vatican tailors make me some white jeans and hoodies for dress down occasions.
No background of scandal or controversy
None that you can prove, anyway.
Happy to wear a small hat
As a man who is steadily thinning out on top, I am more than happy to wear one of those little round Pope hats, which will actually serve to protect the top of my head from the 2,538 hours of Mediterranean sunshine the Italian climate will deliver each year. And in any case I think the big tall hats that Cardinals and Bishops wear would be a bit much and probably wouldn’t suit my bone structure.

In light of all the above I would be delighted to be considered for the role of Pope. My message to the College of Cardinals is simple: consider me!