Avatar Gratuitous self-promotion

I wrote a thing for a blog site that gets even more people visiting and posting comments than The Beans, if you can believe such a thing.

You can read it by clicking on these words, or these words, or this letter Q, but not these words, or this asterisk: *

This post is not just blatantly self-promoting and aggrandizing, but also rather lazily adding to my Bean Count for this month on a day where I clearly couldn’t think of anything better to post.

Now go! Go and bask in my reflected glory! Go and revel in the euphoria and majesty that is me!

Avatar The “That’s Not Trevor Eve” Game

There’s not a person alive who doesn’t like Trevor Eve. I mean what is there not to like? He’s been in everything from ‘Murder She Wrote’ to ‘Waking the Dead’ to ‘Ivana Trump’s For Love Alone’ (I must admit that the last one has escaped my attention but Amazon seem to have an alarming number of copies in stock). What does the world need? It needs a game that incorporates the best elements of Trevor Eve. It needs the “That’s Not Trevor Eve” game.

Players

2 to 4

Equipment

A television
A program with Trevor Eve in
Shots (optional)

What To Do

Turn the television on and switch to the channel that the program with Trevor Eve in is on. You must ensure that it is a program that doesn’t just have Trevor Eve, such as his one man stage production of Eve: A Trevor Eve Musical. That won’t work. Whenever someone who isn’t Trevor Eve comes on the screen you must shout, “That’s not Trevor Eve!” as loud as possible. Whenever Trevor Eve comes on the screen you must shout, “That’s Trevor Eve!” at the top of your voice. You may also take a shot after every acknowledgement of Trevor Eve providing you have previously uttered the aforementioned notification.

The game ends when the program ends and Trevor Eve no longer has a chance of popping up on the television. The person who has noticed Trevor Eve the most wins.

Avatar Beans 2015 Customer Satisfaction Survey: Results

Last month, Pouring Beans conducted a vast survey of all its regular users and contributors, with a lengthy survey form circulated to everyone involved in the site. Since then, our data analysis specialists, Wainscotting Wainscotting and Feeble Ltd., have been running the responses to the survey through a computer that occupies a large data centre just outside Neasden.

The response was immense – two people completed the form – and now I’m pleased to present to you the full results of that survey in a single, easy to read chart.

Survey Results

Thank you to everyone who took part. I think we can all take a great deal from these results. Hopefully it will help The Beans to improve even further in future.

When discussing these results on social media, which I’ve no doubt you will, please use the hashtag #pouringbeans2015customersatisfactionsurveyresults.

Avatar Grand Moments in Grand Designs, episode 43

Hello and welcome to another edition of Grand Moments in Grand Designs.

Today we look back on the never-to-be-forgotten moment when Kevin off of Grand Designs was going to stand on an arch that had been made out of tiles and plaster by some bloke who was building a house on Grand Designs.

Grand Designs

Here we see them linking arms in preparation for stepping onto the arch, but this still image has a poignancy and emotion all its own, evoking as it does the tension and the energy of Greco-Roman wrestlers engaged in noble combat.

Go on Kevin, deck him!

Wait, no, this is a celebration of unorthodox and innovative architectural practices. That’s not appropriate.

Next time, we look at the incredible time when Kevin off of Grand Designs wore a particularly vibrant jumper and scarf combination on the day the double glazing was late.

Avatar My Morning Snap-It

I love blurry photos. For some reason they really resonate with me and even though you may have spent ages keeping your hand steady to get that perfect shot only for it to look as though my eyes have photographed it for you (my sight is really bad…) it still makes me titter like a dormouse.

Yesterday Siobhan and I drove 175 odd miles to Manchester to watch My Morning Jacket. I took a handful of snaps of the gig but this in particular is my absolute favourite:

20150906_221335

It made getting back at 2:40am all the better for knowing I had this photo saved in my phone and in my heart.

It’ll never be on the front of a Hallmark card, which is for the best really… you’d feel fairly unappreciated if you received a birthday card with this on the front.

Avatar Unknown Pleasures

It seems as though most of my posts this month have merely been transcribed moments of wonder from other people, and who am I to change the habit of a lifetime? Besides I’m too busy writing new songs for the Papples, or scratching myself using pointy kitchen utensils, to actually come up with anything myself. I might toss off a photo or something just to make up the numbers.

Anyway, onwards and upwards. I stumbled across this the other day. It is a song written by Reuben presumably just after waking up because not a lot of it makes sense, but these are the things that will be framed and handed out to his friends when he reaches some embarrassing age yet to be determined by me and a case of Jack Daniels.

There isn’t any music so you’ll have to imagine the tune yourself. I’ve copied it word for word, including spelling and grammatical errors. I think it’s much better this way:

I Sang To The Kitty

I sang to the kitty and, He trumped in my face.
So I ran to the kitchen and he followed my trace.

I gave the kitty pie’s and he trumped in my eye’s.

So listen hear Child, most cats are realy quite mild.
So listen hear Child, most cats are realy quite mild.

What I most love about it is that he is trying to educate his peers like he is a wise man or some sort of Shamen; you must watch out for felines farting, it’s a common concern about the pre-teens. In fact I shall be launching a poster campaign along those lines within the coming weeks.

Coming soon: another song I found with a spectacular misspelling of the word ‘yesterday’.