Do you remember a time when Chris Tarrant was everywhere? He was just wherever you looked. You could not glance towards a lady with the hope of stealing a gaze without his mug smearing into your line of sight. This wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, far from it. Everyone welcomed his enthusiastic noises and laughter, whether winning a million pounds on ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire?’ or throwing a bucket of cold gunge over Lenny Henry’s head on ‘Tiswas’.
Come 2016 though and it is a different landscape. Your only chance of seeing his viso/volto is either from repeats on long-forgotten television channels or those lotto adverts that air at bizarre times.
What you need is more Tarrant in your life. What you need is our dedicated service: The Overwhelming Shit Chris Tarrant Impression Hotline!
Call our hotline 24 hours a day and be greeted with tedious and unrealistic impersonations the likes of which you have never heard before.
LISTEN… for all those confusing Tarrant-esque noises missing from you life.
SMILE… as you hear your favourite Tarrant catchphrases such as, “… but we don’t wanna give you that”, “take your time” and, “is that your final answer?’.
CRINGE… at the poor quality of the service you’ve received.
We have dedicated centres based in Leeds, London and Newcastle so you are guaranteed to find one close to you. As well internet services, part of our expansion plans will also incorporate a drive-thru and the experimental ‘Street Tarrant’ which will see droves of men and woman flood city centres to give bite-sized taster teasers to the general public.
You don’t need to suffer in silence anymore. You don’t need to handle that difficult interview without someone at your side. You don’t need to go on that first date all on your lonesome. Here at the Overwhelmingly Shit Chris Tarrant Impression Hotline we are here to help you in any way we can, as long as it involves crude vocal representations of Reading’s favourite son.
16 comments on “The Overwhelmingly Shit Chris Tarrant Impression Hotline”
I think this is the help I’ve been looking for and so desperately need.
How much will it cost me?
Could I have the number please?
Good Evening potential customer.
Thank you for your interest in the Overwhelmingly Shit Chris Tarrant Impression Hotline. Your request is in a queue and will be answered shortly.
This is an excellent service and I can only wonder why the Beans has not launched it before. The demand for it is clearly huge. Right now I can only get my fix by watching programmes about trains on Channel 5.
So in short, I say this: HU-HEY!
(Just to further tickle your fancy (waaaaaaay) if you click on the link to Tarrant’s supposed website on Wikipedia, it takes you to an Amazon page selling some train documentary he did!)
(That’s all Tarrant is now: a man endlessly travelling the world on trains. All the more reason to provide surrogate Tarrants over the phone for those who need him.)
Just think though of all those times you’ve woken up during the night and the only thing that could possibly let you rest and drift off again was an overwhelming shit impression of Chris Tarrant. I’ve lost count of the number of times.
So many times. And so often I have to settle for an impression that’s just plain shit, and failed to get back to sleep because I had not been overwhelmed by it.
It’s the service this country has been crying out for. I’m so glad that we could take their money I MEAN help them.
I look forward to the amount of whelming I’m going to do.
You’ll have so much whelm you won’t know where to put it. With all those toilets, there’s not much space for anything else in your flat.
We can stack some of it behind the pipework and the cisterns. The rest will have to go in the shed.
You have a shed? I thought you lived in a flat.
No, I don’t have a shed. I didn’t say it was going to go in my shed.
So what you’re saying is that you have an extensive shed network, like my future plan when I win the lottery with my cars parked and dotted around Newcastle, and you plan to stash them in one of them.
No. That’s not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is I’ve smashed the padlock off next door’s shed and I’m gradually filling it up with all my shite.
You shouldn’t poo in another man’s shed. That’s just wrong, man.