A desperate plea

It has now been many months since we last saw The Book, and understandably all those of us who care deeply about it are becoming concerned for its safety.

Today, Pouring Beans launches a major publicity campaign to alert the British public to the plight of The Book in the hope of seeing it safely returned home. We are now less than ten pages from the end and with a concerted effort the whole damn thing could be finished and out of our lives by Christmas. Isn’t that something we all want to see?

MISSING

THE BOOK

Last seen: at Kev’s house, awaiting another page of the story

Age: Knocking on for eight bloody years old

Reward: An end to being nagged about it

If you have any information about the whereabouts of The Book, or if you can disclose the identity of the person who is currently detaining it, call the Beans Helpline on 0800-HURRY-UP-KEV.

Chimneys

It’s one of the big unsolved questions of the 1990s. What’s she going to look like with a chimney on her? The Tamperer featuring Maya plaintively asked this question over and over again in their number one hit “Feel It” but to no avail. Nobody could answer the question.

Fortunately, the dark days of the 90s are behind us and modern science can finally offer an answer to this seemingly impossible conundrum.

Trekkin’ Abroad – Italy

I have arrived in Italy, land of many very ancient histories, of pasta, of scooters, and of Europe’s most cheerfully remembered fascist dictatorship.

My surroundings here are extremely pleasant but I have to admit to being a little bit disappointed by the food in what is supposed to be the home of one of the world’s most popular cuisines.

It turns out that all food here comes from a shop called Gonad. I have to say that I am not altogether comfortable eating anything that has come out of a Gonad.

If that makes me narrow minded then so be it. If that makes me seem closed to the wider world and the glorious differences between our nations and our cultures then that is fine. I am simply not happy here knowing that every sip of juice is Gonad juice and every mouthful of tender, juicy meat is Gonad meat.

Soul Stop

This morning I went to an establishment called the Soul Stop Café.

I ate breakfast there and had a cup of coffee and then, enjoying the ambience, I stayed a while longer to drink some tea.

It was only after leaving that I realised the terrible threat in the café’s name. Presumably, as a result of visiting and consuming their food and drink, which must have been treated in some way, my soul is going to stop.

If there is anyone here with a medical background, I urgently need to know what will happen when my soul stops and whether it’s possible to restart it. I am pretty worried here and I’m not sure if I should call an ambulance, so please respond as soon as you can. Thanks.

Meter readings

Things are busy because I’m moving house. The last few weeks have been really busy and I don’t have much time for a lot of the things I’m supposed to do. I’m meant to make four posts a month to the Beans, of course, but that’s been hard to do this month. And then there’s all the house move things to sort out as well, like arranging council tax and getting rid of the boxes new furniture came in and dealing with the gas and electric suppliers.

Luckily, today I had a brainwave: what I need to do is combine things to get through my to-do list faster.

That’s why I am using this Beans post to notify British Gas of my meter readings. If you are British Gas, the information you require is as follows:

Gas: 10857 29
Electric: 29080 3

If you are not British Gas, I hope you enjoyed reading this important information all the same. Thank you.

Weather forecast

It’s another scorcher of a day out there, and the hot weather shows no sign of ending.

To find out what’s in store for the next week, here’s the current Pouring Beans Long Range Weather Forecast, sponsored by Frank Fuckle’s Travelling Circus.

	29°	Thursday 21 July Heatwave continues. Some cloud cover in places will give way to bright, piercing sunshine. A gentle breeze will just about keep the heat off. You will be sweaty enough to need a cool shower when you get home in the evening. The hottest day of the year so far.
	32°	Friday 22 July Heatwave continues. There will still be some clouds but not enough to actually keep the sun off. The gentle breeze is no longer refreshing and will just move the clouds out of the way. The Met Office has issued an amber warning against sitting on leather furniture. The hottest day of the year so far.
	36°	Saturday 23 July Heatwave continues. There are no clouds now, just the burning sun everywhere you look. There will still be a gentle breeze, but the breeze will now be hot, like the air that comes out when you open the oven. You will have no sweat left. The hottest day of the year so far.
	41°	Sunday 24 July Heatwave continues. A low-lying heat haze will persist throughout the morning, which may initially look like cool moisture in the air. Unfortunately it will actually be steam which is likely to produce third degree burns if allowed into prolonged contact with skin. The hottest day of the year so far.
	43°	Monday 25 July Heatwave continues. Passengers on the London Underground will be medium rare after travelling two stops and well done with delicious brown, crispy edges after five stops. Shade will be non-existent with sunlight penetrating even opaque objects. The hottest day of the year so far.
	49°	Tuesday 26 July Heatwave continues. Freak “hot snow” conditions are expected, blanketing much of England and Wales in piping hot snowflakes that are likely to bring transport to a standstill. Hot snow is capable of melting snow ploughs and so is difficult to clear. The hottest day of the year so far.
	54°	Wednesday 27 July Heatwave continues. Parts of South West England are expected to melt, with Devon and Cornwall becoming a large slick in the Atlantic. Pouring boiling water from a kettle over yourself will now constitute a refreshing way to cool down. The hottest day of the year so far.

Tea kitty

As you know, we operate a tea kitty for the communal kitchen area here at the Beans. This operates on a trust system which has, unfortunately, been abused. The big catering bags of sugar cubes have gone missing several times lately – presumed stolen – and now dirty mugs are being left in the sink without being washed up.

This is clearly unacceptable so, to make sure everyone understands their responsibilities, here are the rules for the kitchen area in full.

All Beans colleagues must pay one London pound or fifty Newcastle pounds into the kitty per month. This money will be used to buy tea, coffee, sugar and milk.
All colleagues must take it in turns to buy biscuits.
1. Ian may not eat all the biscuits.
2. If Jaffa Cakes are bought, there must be at least one full pack per person to avoid fights.
3. Chris will not eat Hob Nobs and this matter is not for debate.
4. Kev requires at least one type of biscuit suitable for dunking.
5. Tunnocks Teacakes qualify as a “biscuit” for the purpose of buying biscuits and may be eaten in one mouthful at the discretion of the individual.
6. Opened packets of biscuits are not to be removed from the kitchen. The smell of biscuits or the presence of stray crumbs can cause loud and distressing banging noises from the Character Hatch.
Pouring Beans branded mugs may not be taken home.
Do not drink milk from the bottle.
A microwave (800W) is provided for colleagues to heat up food that they have brought from home.
1. The microwave may not be used as a makeshift bed when Changlet visits.
2. The microwave may not be used to dry Ian’s fluffy pants, and no exception will be made regardless of the way in which they became damp.
Wash up your own cups.
Regardless of your views on their worth, Ian’s Mangapap Jap Crap may not be used to wipe down the work surfaces.
Do not use the kettle to heat up soup again.
Please consider other users of the kitchen when using the Soda Stream. Do not clog it up by attempting to add bubbles to custard, gravy or other viscous liquids.
Ian’s cask of Cheeky Dragon must be kept in the locked metal case at all times when not in use. A second Beans colleague must agree before any quantity of Cheeky Dragon may be decanted for consumption.
Don’t make Kev coffee, even as a joke. He will become violent.
When making jelly please use a bowl or other crockery. It is not acceptable to tilt the fridge onto its back and pour the jelly directly into it, especially if this results in Chris’s sandwiches being set into the middle of it.
Wash it, dry it, put it away. Excuses that rely upon “washing up monsters” are not acceptable.
Guests are entitled to one (1) hot beverage per visit or per week, whichever is less frequent. Guests may not drink any of Kev’s selection of real ales.
Do not leave teaspoons in the sink.

Obviously if the perpetrator of the sugar theft and dirty mugs is discovered, that person will suffer a suitable punishment.

Thank you.

Sport

Sport! We all know what sport is, but until recently I had no interest in it.

“Pah!,” I would say, “away with your sport”. Sometimes I would tut and shake my head. Sport was a mystery to me, something that affected others deeply and yet passed me by.

Well, no more. I’ve been bitten by the sport bug. I am a sport man now.