Category: Inspiring

Avatar Phrase phase competition – Jan

Language is in a constant state of fluidity.

There, I started with something sensible for once. You know when you’re racking your brain and you realise you’re full of old expressions, catchphrases and adages that you’ve picked up along the way? Where do they all come from? How does someone uttering a sentence once suddenly become a phrase used hundreds of years later?

These days, it all comes from the Internet and lasts roughly about as long as the little orb’s attention span on a bad day. What is hilarious and prevalent one day is cringe and desperate the next. We need a more solid approach to this. Our lives are filled with throwaway matter so let’s bandage up 2026 by trying to create a brand new expression / phrase / something. I’ll be running a competition over the next few months and all being well, with the usual helpful contributions from Chris, we should be able to craft something exciting.

This month, we have five stunning entries to tantalise your verbal taste buds.

  1. Silicon valley, tin can alley – when someone loses all their wealth and is reduced to nothing but poverty
  2. Whatever next, Timothy? – a general expression to say when you don’t know what to say, even if there’s not a Timothy nearby
  3. I lost my hat on the treadmill of life – response to a question where you want to avoid the real answer and need to leave quickly
  4. Cough it up, wank bread – a work in progress (insults are hard)
  5. Sometimes you make the crinkle, sometimes the crinkle you make – when you want to sound wise without displaying any proper evidence of this

There we go. I await your feedback. I’ll also be taking any nominations in the comments section so if you have something you say to yourself that nobody else does, and you wish to share it with the world, then come on over like Shania Twain and let us know!

Avatar Good boy

Have you been a good boy? There’s one sure-fire way to find out.

I’m sure you know this, but all we have to do is look underneath the priority seating in coach 4 of the 21.53 South Western Railway service from Guildford to Farnham.

Let’s have a look now.

Yes, there we are. So, have you been a good boy?

You have! Well done.

Avatar Dog Botherers

Hey! Hey you! You with the dog!

Whatcha doing with that dog? Are you bothering it? Is it that awesome that you can’t help but bother it and want to spend time with it? If that’s true, then you need to join the ‘Dog Botherers’.

You shouldn’t feel ashamed about your behaviour. There are thousands of awesome dogs out there. They’re sat with their owners out in real life which is great but sometimes you can’t bother them because they’re doing their own thing. That’s upsetting.

At ‘Dog Botherers’, we don’t mind if you bother our dogs. Our weekly meetings are designed for people like you to bother dogs in a safe and friendly environment. Come meet like-minded individuals over a hot cup of friendship and a generous plate of fun biscuits.

If you like dogs, bothering your dogs and bothering other people’s dogs then ‘Dog Botherers’ is the place for you.

Book now! It’s no bother!

Avatar Wilmot’s week

I know you’re all excited for next week and I could hardly contain myself so I’m writing the post early. Wilmot’s week is dedicated to the adoration, worship and general appreciation of the great Gary Wilmot. It’s a chance to really kick back and enjoy yourself and all of the joy that Wilmot has brought to the world. The best part is that it happens completely at random meaning you have to stay alert (and download the app) to ensure you don’t miss out on any of the celebrations. Sure, it’s next week yet it could also be the week after that, the start of next month or around your birthday. Wilmot’s week takes no prisoners. It’s completely unhinged.

Recently I have been pondering what wor Gaz could do next with his startling career. He’s already an accomplished singer, presenter, actor and entertainer; what’s left? Open a restaurant, one themed around terracotta jug western hoedowns or rats that look like footballers? No, that would be silly. We need something sleek and modern. We need a Gary Wilmot video game.

It can’t be something cheap like a mobile game. It has to go all the way, multi platform and nothing but the best. I want to see Ps5. I want full scale Steam trailers showing all the exquisite gameplay on offer.

I was hoping it’d be a disgustingly violent first person shooter however i was told by his manager that this wasn’t the kind of image they were hoping to portray to the general public. We’ll therefore keep it nice and cosy, set it in a warehouse and have Gary as some kind of, I don’t know, eccentric warehouse manager. He can have a tea cosy on his head instead of a hat. Then when you finish the level he’ll tip his head to one side, whistle and say, “It’s time for a brew!” That’ll make all the grandma’s chuckle with delight.

To make it as accessible as possible it should be a puzzle game. Everyone loves puzzle games, right? The same as everyone loves detective TV programmes set on boats featuring washed-up pop stars? So wor Gaz has to help you sort out items in a warehouse. We’ll get a custom made soundtrack from the Papples and soon we’ll be hoovering up the awards.

It will take some doing, the hours will be long and arduous but stick with me and we’ll really make a difference. Now all that’s left to do is a quick check to make sure nobody else has…

Well, f*ck me then.

Avatar You and Your Northern Orb

So you’ve gone and got yourself an Orb. Congratulations!

There’s no looking back now that your family has grown by one and an Orb is in your midst. And what an Orb it is! Not just any old Orb, but a hardy Northern Orb, the type that is native to the lands north of the River Swale.

Now that your Orb is back home, swaddled in orblankets and making spherical gurgling noises, you are no doubt wondering what life has in store and what you should do next. Well, don’t worry: the Beans has your back. We’re here to help you through these magical, sleepless months of new Orbhood.

The first thing you will notice is that your Northern Orb is not wrapped in cellophane. You will be used to new things – especially ones that are genuinely new, unused and valuable – coming wrapped in cellophane, box-fresh from the factory. Perhaps on first picking up and holding your Orb you felt pangs of sadness, disappointment or even rage at the realisation that your Orb came with no packaging at all. But these feelings, and the lack of protective covering, are entirely normal. Try not to be disconcerted, and avoid trying to peel off any sort of outer film from your Orb, because it hasn’t got one. No. No, seriously. Stop it.

Your next question will be about what Orbs eat. Orbs in general eat all kinds of things, of course, but your Northern Orb has specific dietary needs that you will need to fulfil in order to give it a healthy, happy, globe-shaped life. Soft foods are best to begin with, so start with the filling of a Greggs cheese and bean melt. As your Orb grows, over the next week or two you can start introducing soft pastry – perhaps offer it a Greggs steak bake with the crispier corners cut off. Over time, your Orb will work its way on to Greggs tuna crunch baguettes and sausage rolls. Try to be led by your Orb’s tastes. They’ll tell you when they’re ready for more pastry.

You may also find that your Orb cries a lot. This is to do with their dawning realisation of the futility of existence and the relative brevity of our lifespans in the vastness of the universe. You can comfort them with nursery rhymes and lullabies. To soothe a Northern Orb, you might try singing “Fog on the Tyne” by Lindisfarne, “Big River” by Jimmy Nail or anything by Cheryl Cole.

Your journey with your Northern Orb is only just begininng and we’re excited to accompany you all the way, so we’ll be back with more amazing Orb tips soon. Until then just keep doing the things listed here over and over again and you’ll probably be fine. Good luck!

Avatar Retirement thoughts

Now that we’re all middle-aged, there’s the lingering prospect of all the good stuff that you hear about but don’t get to experience until you reach a certain part of your life. Want some examples? How about pains in parts of your body that don’t make any sense (“I never use my little finger so why does it feel as though a lynx is trying to slash its way out of it?”), confusion when entering a room (“wait, wait… I was here to find the… banana, was it?”) or perhaps feeling out of touch in every possible way (“when did people stop using Netscape?”).

It’s inevitable. Though we may joke about being right on the fashions, it’s been some time since I was anywhere near the fashions; I’m barely in the same postcode let alone being right on them. Sigh. Can’t be helped.

There’s no time to sit and ruminate on how unnatural it feels looking through a Reddit post or ask why everyone dancing on Tiktok is going to destroy the human race, there’s so much to do before then. I’ve got to pay off the mortgage first, which means working until I’m probably in my 70’s given that the retirement age keeps going up. There’s also raising my second child (I’m reliably to blame for that one) which is about to begin any day now. Oh, and I still haven’t finished the garden. I think the gooseberry bush is dead.

When the weight of responsibility gets on top of me, I drive a hundred miles out of my way and stop to look at this view. Why? Because one day, I am going to buy it and build my dream home on it.

Now I know what you’re thinking and, you’re right, it is very small. Too small in fact. You have to think outside the box because otherwise your dreams will never come true. The Japanese have been getting by with very tiny pod or capsule hotels for years now. Here’s how it’s going to look:

  1. The bedroom or, more accurately, the standing bed. I think it’s asking too much for the entire building my house will stacked against to turn 90 degrees to the right so that I can have a flat surface, so I will have to get used to sleeping standing up. I’ll nail the pillow to the wall and utilise a slim sleeping bag for maximum space efficiency.
  2. The toilet or, more accurately, the cereal box in the corner. Nothing else will be able to fit in that space except perhaps an A5 lever arch file, and I can hardly three w’s in that now, can I? It’d go everywhere.
  3. The sitting area or, more accurately, the only space left to do anything. I don’t know where all my video games are going to go. I guess I’ll have to put them in storage unless by the year 2055 I’ll have super cool VR goggles where I can play them all using my brain impulses so I can probably lie in my “bed” and play them there, leaving the sitting area for entertaining guests. A snug flat screen TV in the top left-hand corner, a kettle for hot bevs and a shoebox as a coffee table? It’s all coming together.

I’ve got it all planned out. It’s going to look incredible. The only problem is where Vikki and the baby are going to go. I guess I’ll have to purchase the flat on the other side so they can stay there.

That’ll work. For sure.

Avatar County Durham review

Until this summer County Durham was not a place I had ever really been. It sits between Yorkshire, where I have spent literally years of my life, and the rest of the North East, where I have been many times. County Durham was a place I passed through to get between them. Before August, my total experience of County Durham can be summed up like this:

  • Passing through on the A1 between junctions 59 and 64, multiple times.
  • Passing through on the A19 between Sheraton and Seaham, multiple times.
  • Passing through on the train between Darlington and Chester-le-Street, four times.
  • Going to Burger King at Washington Services, which is no longer part of the administrative county but is within the traditional and ceremonial borders of County Durham, twice.

Earlier this month I arrived for a three-day stay (which I am certain counts as a “sojourn”, a term I reserve the right to use again later in this post) to soak up the County Duhamian atmosphere, basing myself in Barnard Castle. I am now ready to present my second ever county review.

Activities

While in County Durham I visited two waterfalls, walked along an extremely picturesque river, saw a ruined abbey, Roman remains, a big chimney in the middle of some woods and a really good castle. I also witnessed an almost overwhelming quantity of scenery while travelling.

I give County Durham four stars for activities.

****

Accommodation

We stayed in a very nice cottage next to the river, with the sound of running water outside at all times, in a way that was nice rather than annoying. It had more bedrooms than we could use, a spiral staircase, a massive designer fridge and two monsoon showers. I didn’t really want to leave and got into an argument when the owner tried to get their keys back.

I give County Durham five stars for accommodation.

*****

Food and drink

I was able to maintain my usual habit of eating three times a day without difficulty, and the food I ate was almost all very good. I had chips on multiple occasions and Big Frank, travelling with me, had sandwiches with a side of gravy two days running. However, we forgot to buy breakfast one day so the next morning we had to have grapes and coffee.

I give County Durham four stars for food.

****

Conclusion

My sojourn to County Durham has earned it a total of thirteen stars. This is one more than Derbyshire, which has held the title of “best county” for three years, and which now moves into second place. As these are the only two counties that have been rated, County Durham is now officially the best county and Derbyshire is simultaneously the second best and also the worst.

Thank you for your time.

Avatar Your new favourite blank

Okay, hear me out.

You want to make a statement. You’ve been living in your house for a while now and it’s getting a bit drab. You’re tired of looking at the same old bits of furniture. What you need is a bit of something something to make the living room sparkle.

You need a focal point, a conversation starter, one of those magical items that nobody else has. You need people to walk into your living room or dining room and be so stunned by what’s there that they are putty in your hands.

You can’t buy the kind of shock value this piece will give you. It’s one-of-a-kind, it’s classy and it’s sassy, and it’s in stock right now. I can give you the deets and you can swing by to pick it up in a few hours. You can’t say fairer than that.