Avatar Ian vs Crush Songs

Ian: Hello?
Crush Songs: Hello Ian.
Ian: Hello Crush Songs by Karen O. I’ve wanted to listen to you for a while; sorry it’s taken me so long.
Crush Songs: Oh think nothing of it. Now, are you ready?
Ian: I am, yes.
Crush Songs: Are you ready for fourteen songs that all sound the same with the same wibbly wobbly vocals that have been fed through a cereal box and sound as though they were written in five minutes?
Ian: Erm no, I was hoping for a bit of variety.
Crush Songs: Oh.
Ian: Is there something the matter?
Crush Songs: Nothing! Nothing! No it doesn’t matter.
Ian: What is it you’re hiding there?
Crush Songs: Well it’s nothing really…
Ian: So you are fourteen songs that all sound the same with the same wibby wobbly vocals that have been fed through a cereal box and sound as though they were written in five minutes.
Crush Songs: In short, yes.
Ian: I feel as though I should be brutally honest here. That’s very disappointing.
Crush Songs: Would it help if I told you I’m only 25 minutes long?
Ian: No it wouldn’t.
Crush Songs: Would it help if I told you there was a Doors cover on me?
Ian: That just makes it worse.
Crush Songs: Actually ACTUALLY I’ve got fifteen songs on me. The last one is hidden right at the very end like a lyrical treat…
Ian: Right.
Crush Songs: … actually that might still be the last song with a bit of a gap in the middle…
Ian: Look I can see we’re not really getting anywhere here. You’ve not really thought this through. I think you should go back and have a big long ponder about what to do.
Crush Songs: If you insist, okay. I’ll come back shortly with some much better ideas. You watch; I will blow your mind!
Ian: I’m sure you will. I’m just going to put you in this pile with that Good Charlotte CD I found in the street and those duplicate DVDs I don’t need anymore.
Crush Songs: Is it a special pile?
Ian: … sure it is!

Avatar Unknown Pleasures (again)

Carrying on my trend for utilising other people’s work in my own posts (Chris, clearly you’re next), as promised here is the second song in a collection which is steadily showing improvement in both tone, texture and content. The rhymes, though simple, display a mature approach to song-writing. The universal themes everyone can identify with. It is a cornucopia of marvels, a stimulating ensconcing whirlpool of wonder, a haven for intellectual satisfaction on a grand scale.

Presented in its original form, sup deep from the cup of lyrical nourishment:

Jumped of a Train

Chourus – I jumped of a train. I ended in the rain and I was fuLL of pain.

Yestersterday I got mugged by an eel,
It wasent a fair deal
I didn’t have a meal

— Chourus —

On my birthday, all I ate was hay,
A Horse came along but he didn’t singe me a song
But he did a big pong

— Chourus —

So I jumped of a train x 4

My life’s such a pain.

I only wish the Beatles could have written something as timeless as this.

Avatar Gratuitous self-promotion

I wrote a thing for a blog site that gets even more people visiting and posting comments than The Beans, if you can believe such a thing.

You can read it by clicking on these words, or these words, or this letter Q, but not these words, or this asterisk: *

This post is not just blatantly self-promoting and aggrandizing, but also rather lazily adding to my Bean Count for this month on a day where I clearly couldn’t think of anything better to post.

Now go! Go and bask in my reflected glory! Go and revel in the euphoria and majesty that is me!

Avatar The “That’s Not Trevor Eve” Game

There’s not a person alive who doesn’t like Trevor Eve. I mean what is there not to like? He’s been in everything from ‘Murder She Wrote’ to ‘Waking the Dead’ to ‘Ivana Trump’s For Love Alone’ (I must admit that the last one has escaped my attention but Amazon seem to have an alarming number of copies in stock). What does the world need? It needs a game that incorporates the best elements of Trevor Eve. It needs the “That’s Not Trevor Eve” game.

Players

2 to 4

Equipment

A television
A program with Trevor Eve in
Shots (optional)

What To Do

Turn the television on and switch to the channel that the program with Trevor Eve in is on. You must ensure that it is a program that doesn’t just have Trevor Eve, such as his one man stage production of Eve: A Trevor Eve Musical. That won’t work. Whenever someone who isn’t Trevor Eve comes on the screen you must shout, “That’s not Trevor Eve!” as loud as possible. Whenever Trevor Eve comes on the screen you must shout, “That’s Trevor Eve!” at the top of your voice. You may also take a shot after every acknowledgement of Trevor Eve providing you have previously uttered the aforementioned notification.

The game ends when the program ends and Trevor Eve no longer has a chance of popping up on the television. The person who has noticed Trevor Eve the most wins.

Avatar Beans 2015 Customer Satisfaction Survey: Results

Last month, Pouring Beans conducted a vast survey of all its regular users and contributors, with a lengthy survey form circulated to everyone involved in the site. Since then, our data analysis specialists, Wainscotting Wainscotting and Feeble Ltd., have been running the responses to the survey through a computer that occupies a large data centre just outside Neasden.

The response was immense – two people completed the form – and now I’m pleased to present to you the full results of that survey in a single, easy to read chart.

Survey Results

Thank you to everyone who took part. I think we can all take a great deal from these results. Hopefully it will help The Beans to improve even further in future.

When discussing these results on social media, which I’ve no doubt you will, please use the hashtag #pouringbeans2015customersatisfactionsurveyresults.