The Christmassiest song everBoxing Day feels like a good time to settle this once and for all. What is the Christmassiest song of all time? We are going to find out, using science, and it is going to be exciting.
(NB. If you don’t find detailed statistical analysis exciting you will find the statement above misleading.)
Jolly good: free rubber rings for allNot to brag, but we’ve got one of those kitchen taps where you can pull the end of it and it extends out like a hose. It’s pretty good.
Recently the hose bit stopped going back in to the tap nicely, and that was because a little rubber ring that made it seal snugly in place had broken.
I did some searching online. No combination of words referring to a “washer” would produce results, nor did my searches for any kind of “grommet”. No, it turns out this wasn’t rubber or even silicone, nor was it a washer, grommet, seal or band. The thing I needed was a nitrile O-ring.
Amazon sell them for a couple of quid, so I placed my order. Here is the thing I needed. I fitted it to the tap and the tap works nicely again now.
The only issue is that Amazon won’t sell you one of them. It will only sell you a pack of 50. So I now have another 49 going spare. Assuming these things fail at the same rate as the original, this will keep my tap in full working order through to December 2175.
As a result I feel safe in letting go of a few spares if it will help my fellow man. They have an external diameter of 20mm, an internal diameter of 16mm and the band is 2mm thick with a circular cross section. Let me know if you’d like one.
Gorilla the (money) spinnerHey everyone, it’s time to sing a song. A lovely song with lovely lyrics where everyone can have a great time, like those classic songs of the 1940s about losing your watch down a sewer grate or looking for milk in all the wrong shops.
This is a song about purchasing a fake gorilla.
“I want you all to know, I want you see to see,
What this terrible absence is doing to me.
I need to find something special for my garden,
I need to find something brash, oh, beg your pardon.
I wandered round and round, ’til I finally found
Something deeply profound.”
“There it was, sitting, waiting for my presence,
There it was between foxes, hares and pheasants.
Animal jumble bumble, humble though I was,
I was thoroughly pleased until I saw the cost.”
Wait, wait, stop the song.
Thirteen hundred pounds? For a gigantic plastic gorilla? What kind of insanity is this? I can’t afford that. No wonder there’s a thin layer of dust all over its back; it’s because nobody wants to splurge that much on something so decidedly useless.
I’m sorry, everyone. I promised you a heartfelt song and what I delivered was gorilla vitriol. You’ll have to find your good cheer and mirth elsewhere.
Jazzy ChristmasWhen you think of Christmas what immediately comes to mind? Decorations? Presents? Singing carols on the doorstops of strangers for fun to bring back the festive cheer to everyone?
Yeah, me too.
What doesn’t come to mind is any of this.
When looking for a Christmas tree a few weeks ago, I found these monstrosities dotted around a garden centre.
Why are they all playing the saxophone? Why do they all look like they’ve been drugged at the office Christmas party? When did they all have time to learn how to play an instrument? Why would anyone pay £19.99 for a single saxophone-playing Christmas toy?
I don’t know, but what I do know is that if you’re looking to make your house a little more festive then this is not the way to do it. Once you start mixing jazz and Christmas then you’re staring down the barrel of a Kenny G album.
Guide to the Genus Melocaeruledus: The Nautical FladgerWelcome back to the Melocaeruledus zone. This time we take a deep dive (literally) into the aquatic regions of the Fladger family tree with the Nautical Fladger…
Scientific Name: Melocaeruledus pelagornis (pelagornis = “of the open sea”, befitting its aquatic and wide ranging habitats)
Common Names: The Nautical Fladger, The Sea Bastard, The Pinchy Fizzer.
Habitat: Rocky shores, tidal caves, open seas.
Description: This maritime variant retains the shimmering blue-green fly arse of its kin, but its forelegs have evolved into lobster-like claws suited for cracking shellfish and prising molluscs from rocks. Its wings, encrusted with salt, serve as stabilisers in water as well as for brief buzzing flights between tidal pools, reefs and stranded boats.
Behaviour: It is fiercely territorial around rich feeding grounds and is known to follow fishing vessels, stealing bait and offal when it thinks nobody is looking. When threatened, it retreats to coastal caves, clinging upside-down to damp stone while emitting a low, rattling buzz to ward off intruders.
Notes: The Nautical Fladger is more often heard than seen—its eerie trilling cry echoing across misty harbours.
104 daysI thought you’d like to know how it ended.
Don’t worry. I’m back on it. I’ll let you know when I hit 105.
Puzzle cornerIt’s been a while since the Pouring Beans magazine ran a puzzle page, so for all those of you sitting on a railway platform with a pencil and ten minutes to spare, here’s this week’s fun games.
All you have to do is identify the common Beans catchphrases from the symbols.
Answers on a postcard to the usual address. The winner will be randomly selected and will win a specially branded box of Pouring Beans “After Eight” minty beans. Good luck!
The way forwardWhen your time comes, where will you go? How do you see yourself passing from this life to the next?
You might not have thought about it, but you probably should. Best not face the grim reaper without a plan.
I wasn’t sure how I’d go about it until the other day when I happened upon this grand Victorian monument in a London cemetery.
Then I had a look at the clear label at the front, and knew what to do.
