Author: Chris5156

Avatar Crab in control

We all knew that design genius Kevindo Menendez was destined for great things long before his stylish designs graced the catwalks of Micklefield Fashion Week.

But surely it’s a true sign that his thrusting work has achieved worldwide penetration that one of his classics, the “Crab” mug, has been spotted in the Master Control Room of a major broadcaster.

Crab in Control Room

It’s one thing to have your “Penguin” t-shirt worn by Naomi Campbell but it’s days like this that must matter the most to a leading designer like him.

Avatar Wiping away history

Today I did a kind of cleaning I’ve never done before: I cleaned the keys of my computer keyboard. Not where crumbs have landed in between them – the keys themselves. Some of them were dirty, you see, with a sort of browny-grey film on them. The keys I use all the time were white, the ones I use occasionally had a white middle and dirty edges, and the ones I never use were just dirty all over.

It’s annoyed me for a while but today I hit on the solution. I took a rubber to the keyboard and rubbed out all the dirt. Now it’s sparkling clean and all the keys are white. But while I was erasing the filth, it occurred to me that in its dirty state I effectively had a keyboard-sized infographic showing which keys I use and which I don’t. For some reason, the square brackets were completely filthy, even though I’m sure I use them sometimes, while the weird § key had a clean spot, even though I can’t remember ever having used it before typing this sentence. Comma was dirtier than full stop. Q was cleaner than Z.

Even weirder, the numbers got gradually dirtier from left to right, so 1 was clean while 9 was pretty mucky.

It’s nice to have a clean keyboard again but I feel like I’ve lost a historical record of the letters I type and the keys I don’t need. A little bit of history wiped away.

Avatar A lost classic

Over the years, our various Film Production Companies – Constantly Falling Productions, Al and Chris Productions, Chris Productions and the world famous Pouring Beans Productions – have turned out one classic movie hit after another. But talk amongst fans often turns to the story, told in hushed tones around camp fires late at night, that there is another film that was made but never released because Al lost it.

Well, those stories are true, and what’s more, Al has found the missing film under a selection of gentlemen’s art pamphlets in his attic. For the first time in a decade, Al n Chris’s Big Day Out has been unearthed. It’s a thrilling story of teleportation, time travel and evil twins.

Obviously I can’t post it here ahead of its Leicester Square premiere, but I have chosen a short clip from the pre-titles part of the film that shows what an incredible find it really is. In the space of just 24 seconds, this clip contains brilliant acting, exciting CGI graphics, a powerful original musical score and some nudity. Enjoy!

Avatar This Way Up: Episode 3

Can it really be true? Is this what we have all been waiting for? Will it save mankind?

Well, thank you for asking. The answers to your enquiries are yes, yes and no, in that order. And if your next question is “I don’t remember asking these questions, what exactly are we talking about?” then the answer to that question is This Way Up episode 3!

If you don’t want to look at this page while you listen to it, you can always download it.

Avatar Owl have a coffee

Current trends in the world of wildlife are all over the gossip pages of the newspapers these days. The pandas taking selfies, the rhino that hosted the Grammy awards and the arctic foxes wearing Naomi Campbell’s skin as a luxurious wrap are all well known.

But what about the less famous creatures of the world? What are they doing? It turns out that many woodland creatures are developing a taste for human food. Italian is popular with many species, with dormice in some parts of England now surviving entirely on conchiglie al forno, tiramisu and Chianti.

And if you don’t believe me, here’s an owl in a Leeds branch of Costa Coffee.

Owl in Costa Coffee

Avatar This Way Up: Episode 1

I know, I know: you’ve been waiting a long time. I’m sorry. But it’s finally here!

The long-awaited radio comedy debut of Reuben, Throckley Young Comedian Of The Year 2014 and three-time winner of “Funniest Person In Aud’s Living Room”, is ready to go.

(You can also download it if you like.)

Starring Reuben and Ian. Walk-on parts by Chris. A Pouring Beans Productions Production, probably.

Avatar 2015 State of the Beans Address

Good afternoon. Settle down please. Thank you. Ladies and Gentlemen, my name is Professor Louche, and it is my privilege to deliver the 2015 State of the Beans Address.

A full analysis of the activities of the last year has been conducted by our team of expert analysts and we are able to describe the current position of the website to within four millimetres.

Summary of the year

In January 2014 The Beans was relaunched with a renewed intent to operate as a blog website with posts and comments and that.

Throughout the year lots of posts were made by everyone, except Kev who was too busy grouting his drainpipes to join in.

Together we have achieved a total of 82 posts and 784 comments, some of which were actually fairly interesting.

Contribution of what individual contributors have contributed

Ian was issued a target of making two, three or four posts per month. He scored ten beans in 2014, having achieved this ten times. He would have scored eleven beans but a terrible problem with the space-time continuum meant that one of his July posts was actually in August. Ian has, however, yet to fill in his Not About Ian page.

Chris was issued a target of making at least four posts per month. He scored six beans, and his normal performance was to make the required number every other month, with a fallow period at other times. Most of his posts had a picture in them. Chris filled in his Not About Chris page with a load of outright lies.

Kev was issued a target of making at least three posts per month, which was revised down from an original target of four. He scored two beans over the course of 2014 because he mostly wasn’t here. We don’t need to discuss whether he filled in the Not About Kev page.

Conclusion

2014 has been a very strong start to the New Beans and Ian has been the winner. Well done everyone.