The Overwhelmingly Shit Chris Tarrant Impression Hotline

Do you remember a time when Chris Tarrant was everywhere? He was just wherever you looked. You could not glance towards a lady with the hope of stealing a gaze without his mug smearing into your line of sight. This wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, far from it. Everyone welcomed his enthusiastic noises and laughter, whether winning a million pounds on ‘Who Wants to be a Millionaire?’ or throwing a bucket of cold gunge over Lenny Henry’s head on ‘Tiswas’.

Come 2016 though and it is a different landscape. Your only chance of seeing his viso/volto is either from repeats on long-forgotten television channels or those lotto adverts that air at bizarre times.

What you need is more Tarrant in your life. What you need is our dedicated service: The Overwhelming Shit Chris Tarrant Impression Hotline!

Call our hotline 24 hours a day and be greeted with tedious and unrealistic impersonations the likes of which you have never heard before.

LISTEN… for all those confusing Tarrant-esque noises missing from you life.

SMILE… as you hear your favourite Tarrant catchphrases such as, “… but we don’t wanna give you that”, “take your time” and, “is that your final answer?’.

CRINGE… at the poor quality of the service you’ve received.

We have dedicated centres based in Leeds, London and Newcastle so you are guaranteed to find one close to you. As well internet services, part of our expansion plans will also incorporate a drive-thru and the experimental ‘Street Tarrant’ which will see droves of men and woman flood city centres to give bite-sized taster teasers to the general public.

You don’t need to suffer in silence anymore. You don’t need to handle that difficult interview without someone at your side. You don’t need to go on that first date all on your lonesome. Here at the Overwhelmingly Shit Chris Tarrant Impression Hotline we are here to help you in any way we can, as long as it involves crude vocal representations of Reading’s favourite son.

Call now!

Modern technology

What is the one area of your life that modern technology has yet to change? Which of your household appliances has so far failed to make its way to the twenty first century?

We all know what the answer is, and thankfully Pouring Beans Technology Division is here with the solution. Yes – what you need is a ToiletPhone™.

For the times you run out of toilet roll
For the times the lock on the bathroom door gets stuck
For the times you get lonely while doing a really long wee
For the times you want to call your significant other with a live update on your child’s potty training progress
For the times you need to call your toilet’s technical support line

It’s the new appliance every home needs, and Pouring Beans will deliver and install it for just £996.95.

Call today!

This Way Up: episode 5

Traditionally in the UK, groundbreaking comedy has always been commissioned in series of six episodes. So it was for “Fawlty Towers”, so it was for “The Fast Show”, so it was for the revolutionary “Keeping Up Appearances”.

This is how we know that we have another world-changing format on our hands. “This Way Up”, the incredible sketch comedy from Newcastle-based comedy chumps Ian and Roo, reaches its fifth episode and the fans must surely be feeling just a little anxious that there is only one episode to go before it vanishes from the airwaves forever.

For now, though, let’s just be grateful for what we have, as we listen in to episode 5 of This Way Up, featuring the incredible sound of Ian rapping.

If listening is not enough, and you simply must own it for yourself, you can also download it.

Snippets of Flim-Flam – Work Edition

In work as in the rest of life there is much flim-flam, here are some snippets of it:

…and all seems well, however we’ve still got a lot of accounts which don’t have …

…Robert was the person that cleared the log files back in April I am not 100% sure which ones he cleared but that being said…

…change the theme back from a new electric theme to the current one. I changed it against the system admin account by accident…

…regarding the prices…

…stated on that page. In the near future we will need to reconsider that as it wasn’t possible …

…to demonstrate that staff have received proportionate and reasonable training…

Thrilling I’m sure you’ll agree.

BBC New Sitcom of the Year 2016 Awards

Good Evening and welcome to the very exciting but very poorly worded ‘BBC New Sitcom of the Year 2016 Awards’. We are judging the suggestions for sitcoms provided by you, the general public, and we are down to the last three.

There will, of course, be a very extensive and elaborate voting process which will commence once the three entries have been revealed. All you need to do is press one of the conveniently-placed buttons on your remote control to vote for your favourite.

Here are the final three entries for your consideration:

BookChop

Deirdre Hanginglass has a dream. Her dream is to own her very own bookshop in the centre of Ipswich. After gaining a wealth of knowledge following her stint in other shops, and with a hefty loan from the bank, she thinks she has found the ideal place. The only problem is that she can only afford half the rent.

Enter Leanne Pandonberry. Leanne is an aspiring butcher who has worked her way through butcher college to gain the qualifications needed. After her Auntie Maeve passed away, leaving a handsome gift, Leanne too seeks shelter within the confines of Ipswich city centre only to find prices just a little too much. Deirdre and Leanne decide to join forces and open the UK’s very first joint butcher book shop.

How can they possibly hope to cope working in opposite ends of the work spectrum? Can uptight Leanne ever hope to mesh with the laid-back antics of Deirdre? And who owns the mysterious milk crate in the back alley?

Dracu-later

Dracula is dead; killed by Jonathan Harker, crumbled to dust. Only he’s not. It was all an act to make everyone go away and leave him alone.

The outside world just wasn’t made for the Count and his crazy hoardes. All he wanted was to suck a couple of necks and nothing more. And with this in mind, he disappears into the shadowy forests surrounding his castle.

That is until he returns. The year is 1987 and life has moved on. The relatives of Van Helsing live on, unaware of Dracula’s continued life. The Count has met a most fortunate woman, Mabel, and following a successful romance moved in with her in a comfy semi-detached hovel in Middlesbrough. The house next door is up for sale and following a successful bid at a local auction the property is sold to… Milo and Janice Van Helsing!

Dracula now not only has to struggle with living in suburbia, and keep his job at Rumbelows, but also keep his true identity hidden from his new neighbours. Can he maintain his begonias and stop himself from sucking the local cats dry?

It would appear as though our final entry, ‘Apple Jews’, about a group of sexy young Jewish men and women working in an Apple store, has had to be disqualified for blatant product placement.

That therefore leaves only two entries in the running.

If you would like to vote for ‘BookChop’ please press the ‘slow’ button on your remote. If you would prefer to opt for ‘Dracu-later’ then please caress the button that looks like a meteor crashing into the sea.

Lemon Doberman

Do you want a dog?

Really? Do you really, really want a dog? Of course you do you’re a human being, and a human being can’t be a being without a doing. As in you cannot spell the word ‘doing’ without the word ‘dog’.

Hi, I’m Blemish Tuneraft and I’m owner and founder of Lemon Doberman. Lemon Doberman is exactly what you think it is. And it does. We breed and produce dobermans that smell of lemons in a pure and natural way. You may think that science has stuck its big, ugly, man-shaped oars into our processes however it just isn’t true. Everything about our lemony dobermans is legitimate. We have a proven track record.

It isn’t as if we found that the smell of dogs was unpleasant. Not in the slightest. In fact, we are attempting to rustle up some dog-scented aftershave for the first quarter of 2017. No, what we set out to do at Lemon Doberman was to improve on an already well-established and much-loved sanctuary.

Everyone loves a doberman.
Everyone loves the smell of lemons.
Why not combine the two?

The feedback we’ve received has been phenomenal so far. We are looking to send our sweet-smelling doggies into the furthest reaches of the UK and possibly even abroad. If all goes well then who knows? We are hoping that if our rate of success continues to increase at an exponential rate then it will only be a matter of time before Belgian Chocolate Mastiffs and Lavender German Shepherds are available to the general public.

If you’ve got a big heart, a large house and a desire for citrus fruits then you know what you need is a Lemon Doberman.

Nana Nanas – Behind The Scenes

Oh hi. I didn’t see you there. Well, seeing as you’ve already jumped over the 8ft high chain-link fence, snuck past the security guards and dodged all the bear traps I left in the lobby you can stay.

We are currently shooting fresh scenes for ITV2’s newest fly-on-the-wall cum soap opera ‘Nana Nanas’ about a group of bananas who join the police force but can’t help get into the strangest and yet also thought-provoking scenarios that reflect the problems of everyday people and everyday life. The only problem is that the cast have a lifespan of about seven days which means that we are constantly having to recruit new actors to fill in the roles. The new actors are given new roles meaning that there is a constant revolving door of bananas starting out, breaking through and retiring within the space of a week. It is a constant headache for the writers who have only been doing this for the best part of a month but are running out of ideas for new characters.

You should also not confuse ‘Nana Nanas’ with ‘Nana Nanas’, which is a coming of age documentary about retired bananas trying to start fresh careers in the twilight of their years and something completely different.

Here you can see young heart-throb Jacob and seductress Cleo indulging in a sexy hot tub moment after a busy day shift. Jacob is in two minds about the whole thing, given how Linda stopped him in the corridor at the station to tell him just how she really feels. Cleo has had designs on Jacob since the last episode and has finally found the chance to make her move. Meanwhile Cleo’s dad, who also happens to be the chief superintendent leader police person king man, has followed them to Jacob’s flat and is furious that his star officer is fraternising with his daughter. As the chaos ensues, notorious, as in for the last two episodes, sex addict and pervert next door neighbour Shonky T. Nuisance looks on, hiding in the corner pretending to be a particularly unconvincing corner lamp.

I know what you’re thinking, and you’re right that it is very little work that results in a huge amount of reward. But isn’t that most of ITV2’s programming schedule?

Guards! Please escort this ruffian off my set, thank you.

Positive Moments

I know there’s been a lot of bad things happening recently. Just today I discovered that the patent on application number EP96923892.2 expired on 21 June. Very, very sad times.

It can’t be all doom and gloom though, right? There has to be some bright cheeks peeking out between the hazard clouds. It’s a good job that I am here to wheel out the happy high fives.

In addition to the thrilling news that my new book, ‘Thirst Pocket Hysteria; a Nation in Crisis’, which deals with the sudden outbreak of panic amongst the general public due to the baffling rise of the Vanish Tip Exchange and people bulk-buying kitchen roll at an alarming rate, available at all general and local book stores come this Friday, is out, I also have a story which will warm the very deepest and very murkiest corners of your hearts.

Those with a keen mind will remember that my very first post on the then new look Beans on 3rd February 2014 dealt with a mild irritation concerning a lollipop man who works near my office. If you can’t remember it then it is also here like a tasty mung bean salad. He clearly could not handle how great I was, and still am, and chose to deal with this by being quietly hostile, ignoring my attempts to break the ice. A period of two years elapsed with no further instances until a couple of months ago I crossed the road and in reaching the other side he finally spoke up with, “Good Morning.”

I was stunned. All this time and now he chose to speak up? A lessor man would scoff and walk on, but there was something in his approach which made me re-consider my choices. The conflict was over. The battle was done. I dusted off the dour days go by, held my head up and retorted with an equally chipper, “Good Morning!” Now it happens each time I cross the road at his crossing. He sometimes even smiles. We are the best of fake office grunt and lollipop man friends.

I am still a little confused as to why the council would pay a man to stand next to a pelican crossing and help people cross the road where an automated system has been put in place for that very reason… but hey, that is not my beef.

This has been Positive Moments for the Beans Network. If you would like to share your positive moments with us then please don’t.

And now back to Chris…