Modern Life is Confusing

So… there’s nothing quite like the English language. It can manipulated and distorted in so many ways that what it resembles now is completely different to how it was a hundred, fifty, even twenty years ago.

That said, sometimes innovation does not happen overnight. You have to allow it to simmer for a while. It will bubble to the surface to get your attention when it is ready to do so. Don’t rush it, for the love of Buster Keaton! I was recently scouring the internet to look for a birthday present for my godson and instead stumbled over this.

Ladies and gentleman, let me present you with a link to the Animal Pig:

http://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B013PX3XYI

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the Animal Pig you should know two important things:

This pig is an animal
This animal is a pig

Note how the two facts are very similar but also very different at the same time. I had gone looking for a present and alternatively received an education in how to refer to modern animals.

Now when I am on my way to a farm I can look forward to seeing the Animal Cows, the Animal Chickens and the Animal Goats. If I’m heading to a zoo I can feast my eyes upon the Animal Elephants, the Animal Giraffes and possibly, if they’re not too busy, the Animal Tigers.

I’m already working on a FUN leaflet for my nieces to explain that we’ve been doing nature all wrong and that we have to shift with the times otherwise we’ll just look simple.

In one sense, why did no-one tell me this sooner?! In another, awww, pigs.

Newsboost – And Finally…

Newsboost – Bonkers Book Burning Bonanza

Firefighters were called in to deal with a violent blaze in the North East of England this evening.

We have received a report that the Loinsford Memorial Publishing House, which opened only within the last couple of months, is on fire yet again after three previous blazes were started in November and December 2015. The raging inferno is currently being contained thanks to the efforts of the local fire brigade.

The culprits and how the fire started are still unknown at this present time and the owner of the building is yet to comment. The Loinsford Memorial Publishing House was responsible for the current bestseller ‘Running Away: The Me Within Me (Not You)’ by bewildering chowder head muffin brain Ian “Running out of Leg Jazz” McIver.

Three hundred thousand copies of that particular book were said to have been lost in the flames.

Dear Beans… My Late Lucid Literary Lamentation

Dear Beans,

For some reason, which clearly escapes me, everyone on this website absolutely, positively hates my books. With a passion. With more than a passion. With big arms and a scowl.

Having sold eight million copies of ‘Running Away: The Me Within Me (Not You)’, I was expecting a certain level of praise and a huge dollop of respect for having conquered the literary world and the New York Bestsellers List for approximately seventeen weeks. What met me, however, was the kind of despair and ridicule best reserved for X Factor contestants who couldn’t get through Boot Camp.

I don’t understand. My book received several 5 star reviews and a glowing report from both Richard and Judy and also, Chris’ favourite, Su Pollard. So where does the venom lie? Is everyone jealous of my success, my fame, my bingo trophy?

I can only hope that my new book ‘Two Pumps and a Squirt – The Kevin Hill Story’ will seek to rectify the problems everyone has with my expressive and hugely successful way of writing.

Yours faithfully

A Sensual Awakening: Two Word Reviews

Everything gets reviewed these days, from mobile phones to toilet cleaners, so it seems only fair that The Papples latest body of work should be included.

Sarah and I sat down this fine evening to give ‘A Sensual Awakening’ a good going over, and decided that rather than use lots of words to accurately convey how we felt about each song, we’d do a two word review.

From Us.

To You.

Claim to Fame

Take a seat. Clean up your mess. In fact, you might want to reverse the order of those things. As long as you get them both done.

You should know that you may be within the vicinity of a local celebrity. Not that I like to spoil the surprise but the recent release of Dylan Moran’s newest DVD, ‘Off The Hook’, contains a very special treat for everyone. The main performance was recorded in London. The DVD, however, contains additional material that was recorded at The Stand in Newcastle upon Tyne.

If you listen very carefully you can make out two people laughing very loudly at the ensuing comedy. Audrey ‘Piledriver Transmission Cupcake’ J clocks in with two mighty guffaws and there’s an extended chuckle of chortles from Emma ‘Bat Pan Mants’ M. My laugh, sadly, was not robust enough to make the cut and therefore you will not be able to hear the lovechild of Frank Bruno, Jimmy Carr and Eddie Murphy tittering away in the background.

The Majestic Bird Goose

Some say that the name Bird Goose is one descriptive word too many. Some may be right, but the majestic Bird Goose cares not for those people. In fact he poops in their garden and then struts away (seen above).

Bird Goose is an excellent strutter and can often be found swaggering, striding or prancing in a pond near you (not seen above).

Bird Goose often wears incredibly fancy shawls (not seen above).

Bird Goose.

Bird.

Goose.

Black Sunday

Here at the Beans we are not prepared to jump abroad whatever flashy trashy spur of the moment, king for a day, soup du jour bandwagon everyone else is desperately trying to hoist themselves onto. No. What we stand for is dignity, truth and ultimately originality.

So this gives me great pleasure to unveil a list of special, rare, only available for one moment items on this very blackest of Black Sundays. Feast for eyes on these sweaty mommas:

Lense Catcher

Such a marvel. What we have here is a stylish plastic container specifically designed to look after your eyes. It oozes desirability and can be filled with water and used to cool your finger tips. This will certainly be the talking point of any fancy dinner or soiree you decide to host. Can also be used as a training potty for very small animals; £499.99.

Bus Pigeon

The Bus Pigeon, or Le pigeon de l’arrêt de bus as it is sometimes known, is only known to surface one day of the year. It you can catch it then it will bring you good luck and fortune, and it also increases your ability to play both Connect 4 and mini golf. Sleek and modern, a veritable treasure trove of danger and beauty; £999.99.

Street Literature

This edition of the Argos catalogue is now so rare that only the CEO has a copy. It features a cartoon of all the financial directors laughing at everyone who buys their items full price when they could easily get them from Amazon for a third of the cost. There’s a rumour Bobby Costanzo has a framed copy hovering above his midnight toilet; £4,999.99.

Act now!!

One per person per household per county per country per kingdom.

Pouring
Beans

Category: Popular Culture