Kareech Mantell and the Key of Destiny

Kareech looked at the ground. Sitting there, isolated from the rest of the bunch, was a singular key. For some reason Kareech always assumed that keys traveled in groups rather than by themselves.

The key shone in the mid-morning light and in it was reflected a distorted, bendy view of the street he currently stood in. There was nobody else around and so, with nothing much to lose, Kareech bent down in the incorrect fashion and picked up the key. It was much smarter than it should be; there were marks along the long edge, little nicks where the key must have been used to open a parcel, help with a struggling tin opener or possibly used to pick food out of an old woman’s teeth. No discernible indications as to whom owned the key or where it should be left in case of emergencies.

It was Sunday, the lazy day, the day for not doing much. Kareech had a very limited ‘to do’ list; other than picking up some salt for his mum and tying his shoelaces that was it for him. The world does not expect much from a fourteen year boy.

At first he left the key in his pocket, to jingle against the metal fixtures of his sad, faded foldy out velcro wallet. Maybe next year he will get a proper wallet rather than something that resembled a permanent reminder that adulthood was still way too far away. At the top of Evershed Terrace, however, he stopped to take in the brisk air and his hand grazed the intimate sides of the key. It was then that he made a decision, a decision that would ultimately change his Sunday and make it the kind of Sunday that he would look back on as an old man and possibly point a pipe up into the air, desperately trying to remember what happened.

Kareech tried the key in Number 1 Evershed Terrace. The metal reached about half a centimetre in before the mechanism forced it to stop; this key was not the key for 1 Evershed Terrace. And so onto Number 2 Evershed Terrace. It reached a little further in before stopping. Another failure. And so onto Number 3 Evershed Terrace. It barely got the tip in before the inevitable prevention and overwhelming sensation of failure. And so onto Number 4 Evershed Terrace…

Unconfirmed individual on nondescript greeting card

I like making cards. Making cards is fairly easy and fun providing you know what to draw or write on the front. If you don’t then it’s a painful and frustrating experience. Thankfully, most of the time I know what I’m doing, which makes a change (ba dum chish!)

It was recently my sisters’ birthday. Sisters plural, as in they both had their birthdays, in that despite being three years between them their birthday is on the same day. Which is weird. I decided to crack off a couple of cards in my usual manner.

Now I know what you’re thinking. This card seems like it was destined to be for one particular sister, but you would be wrong. Without looking in the top-right corner that is.

This card was for Sarah and despite the uncanny resemblance to a certain intepretation of a Christian deity that is not a drawing of Jesus Christ.

I now open up the floor to see if anyone can guess who it is supposed to be.

No clues now.

Gaffer Tape Adventures

Are you bored of walking home from work the same way? Sick of seeing the same sights as you trudge to your girlfriend’s house? Have you had enough of using your eyes and witnessing a monotonous, predictable series of events every day of your life but can’t afford a holiday to sweeten the deal?

Then we have the product for you.

Gaffer Tape Adventures is the newest of the new. All it takes is a simple idea; covering your eyes, and possibly your ugly mug, with gaffer tape. Now the whole world is a brand new place.

No longer do you face boredom as you leave the office. No longer do you tire of the familiarity of the way to your significant other. You see nothing; every day is a new challenge as you shuffle slowly down the street, attempting to avoid hitting people and falling over objects. Each road is a potential death trap. Each moment could be your last.

Our impressive kit can start you out on the road to adventure. We will provide you with everything you need to get started with your own Gaffer Tape Adventure. Our easy ONE – TWO – THREE step program will get your up and away within minutes.

You will be awash with fear and excitement. Not only can you bite the bullet big time but you can also look forward to these other thrilling activities:

* Muggings
* Stabbings
* Groping
* Wedgies
* Nuggies
* Unexpected Conga Lines

We can guarantee you the time of your life as soon as you put your life in the hands of Gaffer Tape Adventures.

£49.99 from your nearest aviary.

Newsboost – And Finally…

Knee windows

I’m definitely getting old. I mean, we all know this, it’s not news to any of us. But sometimes I still get surprised by my reaction to things.

The other day I was on a London Tubular Train. These are clever trains that have the corners sliced off so that they can run in the sewers. I was listening to a Radio 4 podcast (a sure sign of getting old – surely this should have been a stark reminder of my age) and minding my own business. The train stopped at a station and a young woman got on and sat opposite me.

It was at this moment that I realised that I am definitely getting on a bit.

Young Chris would have seen this young woman and thought well hello there. Young Chris would have been appreciative of her pretty face. Young Chris would have found his thoughts turning to the fact that she was wearing a grey tracksuit that dropped some hints about an attractive figure.

Young Chris isn’t here any more, though. No. Old Chris is at the wheel these days. Old Chris wants to know what on earth she thinks she’s doing out and about in January wearing a tracksuit with no coat to keep her warm. Old Chris starts his train of thought with the words bloody hell, isn’t she cold?

Old Chris has a Daily Mail style fit when the young woman sits down. He finds himself thinking well I never and considers folding his arms (but decides not to because he’s a bit arthritic, what with the cold and the damp lately). You see, lately, ripped knees have come back into fashion for those wearing jeans, and the rips have become ever sillier. It’s now fashionable to basically just have a huge hole where your knees can be seen. The young woman on the tube, though, was wearing a tracksuit. A tracksuit where the front of each trouser leg came in two parts, overlapping at the knee, with the result that when she sat down the fabric parted to show off her knees to the world.

She had knee windows.

Well, obviously I wrote a stern letter to the Telegraph at once, and blustered barely-intelligible words at anyone who would listen for the rest of the day about how ridiculous these young people’s clothes are. I mean, it’s just not on. I can’t stand idly by while people go around doing damn fool things like that.

Old Chris can’t be doing with knee windows. Old Chris doesn’t understand young people’s clothes any more. Old Chris isn’t fashionable.

Old Chris has decided to embrace old age. Old Chris is going to start wearing his flat cap more often.

The Majestic Bird Goose

Some say that the name Bird Goose is one descriptive word too many. Some may be right, but the majestic Bird Goose cares not for those people. In fact he poops in their garden and then struts away (seen above).

Bird Goose is an excellent strutter and can often be found swaggering, striding or prancing in a pond near you (not seen above).

Bird Goose often wears incredibly fancy shawls (not seen above).

Bird Goose.

Bird.

Goose.

Socks

Socks!

Pouring Beans, as usual, has its finger on the pulse of popular culture and, like everyone else, socks have become our number one topic of conversation this week. Everyone loves socks, and nobody can stop talking about them. So the question is – what’s your favourite kind of sock?

Choose now.

If you are having difficulty thinking of types of sock, here are some ideas:

Long socks with stripes
Short socks with heels and toes in a different colour to the other parts of the sock
Plain grey socks
Thick socks with that sort of ribbed pattern for hiking or rambling perhaps
Little trainer socks that always feel a bit too short
Hand socks (“gloves”)

Black Sunday

Here at the Beans we are not prepared to jump abroad whatever flashy trashy spur of the moment, king for a day, soup du jour bandwagon everyone else is desperately trying to hoist themselves onto. No. What we stand for is dignity, truth and ultimately originality.

So this gives me great pleasure to unveil a list of special, rare, only available for one moment items on this very blackest of Black Sundays. Feast for eyes on these sweaty mommas:

Lense Catcher

Such a marvel. What we have here is a stylish plastic container specifically designed to look after your eyes. It oozes desirability and can be filled with water and used to cool your finger tips. This will certainly be the talking point of any fancy dinner or soiree you decide to host. Can also be used as a training potty for very small animals; £499.99.

Bus Pigeon

The Bus Pigeon, or Le pigeon de l’arrêt de bus as it is sometimes known, is only known to surface one day of the year. It you can catch it then it will bring you good luck and fortune, and it also increases your ability to play both Connect 4 and mini golf. Sleek and modern, a veritable treasure trove of danger and beauty; £999.99.

Street Literature

This edition of the Argos catalogue is now so rare that only the CEO has a copy. It features a cartoon of all the financial directors laughing at everyone who buys their items full price when they could easily get them from Amazon for a third of the cost. There’s a rumour Bobby Costanzo has a framed copy hovering above his midnight toilet; £4,999.99.

Act now!!

One per person per household per county per country per kingdom.