Avatar Four Word Reviews: Freak of Nature

You remember Anastacia. She had that massive, powerful voice and a stage persona that was pitched on the borders between sexy and fierce. Her big worldwide smash hit was the super-catchy “I’m Out of Love”, which topped charts of every kind in 2000, including those unrelated to music. Knowing I’d be listening to this album, I’ve had “I’m Out of Love” stuck in my head for several days. It turns out that was from her first album and this is her second. It’s not on this album. It’s still stuck in my head, though.

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Avatar Four Word Reviews: Christmas

So, it turns out that tomorrow is the first day of May, and not as I had assumed another day in April. That means that this post is being thrown online in a hurry so that it counts towards my April beans and not my May beans.

Anyway, since it’s April, and since it’s Four Word Reviews time, tradition dictates that we must listen to a Christmas album. In Aprils gone by we have heard from Mahalia and Barbra Streisand. This year we’re going for the big one: Christmas, the 2011 album by Michael Bublé. It rewrote Christmas music as we know it – a solid album of Christmas classics, reworked by the smoothest sounding chart act since Sade stopped releasing new music. Now everyone comes along and releases a few slick Christmas cover versions every year. Especially Michael Ball.

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Avatar ABOFB 30: Work Music

We’re back, we’ve reached the big 3-0, and just in time for Kev to keep his first 2022 bean!

This time out Ian asks us to sum up our jobs as a style of music which, as ever, leads to a meandering conversation covering, amongst many things…

  • Kraftwerk
  • Jazz
  • Latin
  • Shaggy

Avatar Newsboost – Margaret Malfunction

Crisis in the world today as the World Margaret Organisation launches counterattack against the virtual virus spreading through the nations.

Through general word of mouth as well as a fitting and rather catchy song, the expression, “Stick it up your Margaret” has swept through the population like Romans at an orgy. We’ve seen everything from Tik Toks to vox pops, viral videos, memes and more tweets than a batch of fresh hens. Most people see it as a fad that will fade into obscurity within a few months however those who have been on the receiving end of it have not been able to take it in quite the same way.

As with most things, certain people have taken it a step too far. Leader of the World Margaret Organisation, Margaret Margarine, explains.

“It started off as something quite tame and within a few weeks has turned into something revolting and puerile. We’ve had reports of other Margarets being harangued in the streets by random passers by, heckling them with threats of sticking things up them. Now I’m not opposed to having someone wear me like a mink glove but only in the right context. The many Margarets in not only this fine nation but also further afield are being bullied and it’s just not on.”

Reports of “Margaret misalignment” as some experts are calling it have increased two thousand per cent since the beginning of January, helped by the popularity of social media platforms and general human silliness.

“Our dedicated helpline,” Margaret continues, “is available 24/7 for those who wish to document these instances to help the police round up those responsible. There haven’t been many arrests so far yet I am confident that as long as us Margarets stick together we will make it through this!”

During the early hours of the morning, the World Margaret Organisation issued a press release which reiterated these comments but also struck back with a sign of retaliation not expected. The WMO have written not one but two of their own jingles, “Slide it back to Colin” and “Bunty’s got your number.” A third effort entitled, “Force it up your Richard” was deemed too racy and dropped at the last minute.

The Dynasty of Colins and the Bunty Bouquet are yet to comment.

Avatar Improving songs: a how-to guide

Are you bored of listening to the same old songs, saying the same old things? Or maybe you’re bored of all the new songs, where the lyrics don’t seem to ever offer anything new? Don’t worry. I have just the thing for you.

Presenting, for the first time ever, my 100% proven and patented method for improving any pop song. Simply take any of the common pop song words from the left column of the table below, and replace it with the word on the right. The more words you replace, the better the song will be, guaranteed.

Please share below, in the comments, the songs you’ve improved with this groundbreaking method. Please also send payment by postal order or cheque to my home address.

Replace…With…Examples
HeartArseTotal Eclipse of the Arse by Bonnie Tyler
My Arse Will Go On by Celine Dion
Open Your Arse To Me by Madonna
YouHughHugh And Me Song by the Wannadies
She Loves Hugh (Yeah Yeah Yeah) by the Beatles
Hugh Stole The Sun From My Arse by the Manic Street Preachers
DancePranceLet’s Prance by David Bowie
Prance the Night Away by the Mavericks
The Safety Prance by Men Without Hats
DiePiePie Another Day by Madonna
Live and Let Pie by Wings
Never Say Pie (Give Me a Little Bit More) by Cliff Richard
NightFightDecember 1963 (Oh What a Fight) by the Four Seasons
Boogie Fights by Heatwave
Saturday Fight by Whigfield

Avatar Shoe FM – the return

“… and we’re back, back for another hour or so of the best boot-y-licious tunes you’ve heard since yesterday. Shoe FM is here for you and yours, and maybe even your neighbour too. Crank up that dial for the best in shoe and shoe-related music all day, every day.

As ever I am your host, coast to coast, Jazz Bungleton, ready and willing to satisfy your need for tweed. After all those flip-head bangers this morning I think it’s time we slowed down and indulged a little. There’s no need for the pace to fully drop though, we’ve gotta keep pushing through to the afternoon; that’s when things get shoe-per good.

This is your friendly reminder to check out our most recent podcast where martial arts actor Robin Shou picks out his top five desert island shoes. Even I was surprised with what was at number one and I can guarantee that shoe will be too.

Get cosy with your loved ones because we’re schmoozing out of the gate with a double bill of ‘All I Want is Shoe’ then ‘With or Without Shoe’ both by U2. Whilst I’ve got you in a vulnerable position take a little bit of ‘Shoe Got It’ by Roy Orbison with a pinch of ‘Miss Shoe’ by the Rolling Stones. Then as we’re approaching the hour it’s time to hold onto your brown brogues because Bryan Adams is going to ‘Run to Shoe’ before Bon Jovi needs to tell you that ‘Shoe Give Love a Bad Name’.

Edge of the seat stuff I can tell you.

If you want to be in with a chance to win a year’s supply of shoe polish courtesy of our superb sponsors, Kiwi, the world’s number one, then you need to call or email the station with the answer to this question: “who was trying to dress shoe up back in 1984?” Only by getting the answer right can you potentially qualify for our game ‘Shoe Do You Think You Are?’. Call or email now.

Sandra Qwango has a fresh platter of news laid out towards one o’clock, Bernie Boxfresh is here after two o’clock but to perk up your buns before they can get comfy George Harrison has a confession to make because he’s got his mind set on shoe. Take it away, George…”

Avatar Not number one

Occasionally, over the years, I’ve found myself in a conversation about what was at number one in the charts when I was born. These conversations come up from time to time, probably more often than they deserve to, usually prompted by a DJ on the radio talking about it.

For a long time my answer has been “Hello” by Lionel Ritchie, number one in the UK charts in early May 1984. That’s quite a fun song to be at the top when I was born and usually gets a laugh. Great. Everyone’s happy.

Yesterday I looked it up to see what else was in the charts that week, and was dismayed to find that I had somehow got it wrong.

“Hello” was a UK number one single, and Lionel Ritchie with his blind student making a creepy clay head had a run of six weeks at the top of the charts in spring 1984. But that run ended in April, and by Sunday 5 May Lionel’s informal greeting based ballad was only just in the top ten. The number one single when I was born was actually “The Reflex” by Duran Duran, which is nowhere near as much fun. As you can imagine, I was distraught.

To cheer myself up, I decided to see if my birthday number one was better than yours.

Kev

Let’s hope Kev is a fan of Frankie Goes to Hollywood because they were apparently everywhere in late July 1984. They were at number one with “Two Tribes”, and also at number three with the famously banned orgasm themed classic “Relax”. The rest of the top ten is mostly forgettable; at number two is a novelty single spin-off from The Young Ones, and the rest include Tina Turner, Cyndi Lauper and Shakatak. I feel like I’m on safe ground here.

Ian

Well, this is disappointing. Number one in mid-November 1983 was “Uptown Girl” by Billy Joel, a massive singalong smash hit. Adding insult to injury is the rest of the top ten, which contains at least another five stone cold hits: “Say Say Say” by Paul McCartney (and Jacko, but we’ll skim over that); “Love Cats” by the Cure; Men Without Hats’ ridiculous “Safety Dance”; “Karma Chameleon”; and even “All Night Long” by the very same Lionel Ritchie who callously abandoned me on my birthday.

In summary, then, I am disappointed that my birthday number one turns out to be a Duran Duran single, and not a very good one at that, and thanks to the fact that he basically cheated by being born in 1983, Ian wins.