Progress report

Mr. Chang, the shady Chinese businessman financing Pouring Beans Productions’ new documentary film, has now seen a rough edit of “Railways with Smidge Manly” and discussed with me some changes that are still necessary.

Clearly the public are clamouring for the release of this important film, and any delay is going to be met with considerable impatience, so to help tide us over until it’s ready to go, here is a look inside the editing process. This is, in its entirety, the list of changes that I made, explaining Mr Chang’s instructions in full.

Wobbly –> red train pat etc. Vertically. + coming out of station at CP
–> –> –>
Platform-train tighter or clip inb. ? straight to speech on 2nd shot
Barry rustling – filter out?
Timetables – wind noise – change for station
Voiceover still not good (headphones)
Longer gap or music between good email and people we met.

I hope this sheds some light on the philosophical and ethical issues with which we are wrestling in trying to perfect our artistic vision.

My secret tragedy

I haven’t told you about this before, but it’s about time I did. When Kev visited a couple of weeks ago we ended up talking about it and my terrible sadness was impossible to disguise. I can’t live this lie any longer.

A while ago now, I was engaged to be married. We were so happy together, so perfect for each other. I couldn’t imagine anything could come between us. I was her man and she was my bear. (She was a grizzly bear, you see.) But on the day of our wedding, just minutes before the ceremony started, she left me, running away down the street in her bridal dress. I was distraught.

You may find this hard to believe, but thankfully Kev has stepped in and provided the following sketch of that fateful moment, so you don’t have to think very hard to imagine it. In those days, as you can see, I looked a bit like Jeremy Beadle, so all in all this is a chapter of my life I’d rather forget.

Sneaky peeky

Yes! It’s true: Smidge Manly, host of the hit TV show “Essex Highway”, will shortly return to our screens in an exciting new documentary, Railways with Smidge Manly.

In this new programme of as-yet unknown length, Smidge goes on a personal journey to discover the answers to questions he’s had since he was a child; questions like: what are railways? Who put them there? How do trains work? And can they feel love?

Here’s a sneaky peeky trailer.

(You can’t watch the Sneaky Peeky trailer any more because the sound was a bit rubbish and the actual film is now online. Why don’t you go watch the film instead?)

Been Shopping

After Kev and I wrote “biscuits” and “breakfast” as the first two items on our shopping list, it became clear that our entire shopping trip would be only for items beginning with B.

So we took our bags, browsed the bargains and bought a bounty.

Things we bought:

Biscuits
Breakfast
Buns
Beef
Burgers
Bananas
Bread
Beer
Bacon
Big tomato
Banoffee pie
Brown onion
Bow tie pasta
Bourneville

Things we listed but decided not to buy:

Bath oil
Biscotti
Bovril
Brut
Butternut squash
Brandy snaps
Bearnaise sauce
Bruschetta
Bassoon

It was, clearly, brilliant.

Owl be watching you

He sits in his hiding place. He is brightly coloured, vivid even, and yet difficult to see.

You walk up the street. It’s a nice day, there’s nobody around. And then – when it’s already too late – you see him. Dark eyes stare you down. He has been watching you. Judging you. You feel guilty, but no apology will be enough.

Beware the owl.

Crab in control

We all knew that design genius Kevindo Menendez was destined for great things long before his stylish designs graced the catwalks of Micklefield Fashion Week.

But surely it’s a true sign that his thrusting work has achieved worldwide penetration that one of his classics, the “Crab” mug, has been spotted in the Master Control Room of a major broadcaster.

It’s one thing to have your “Penguin” t-shirt worn by Naomi Campbell but it’s days like this that must matter the most to a leading designer like him.

Wiping away history

Today I did a kind of cleaning I’ve never done before: I cleaned the keys of my computer keyboard. Not where crumbs have landed in between them – the keys themselves. Some of them were dirty, you see, with a sort of browny-grey film on them. The keys I use all the time were white, the ones I use occasionally had a white middle and dirty edges, and the ones I never use were just dirty all over.

It’s annoyed me for a while but today I hit on the solution. I took a rubber to the keyboard and rubbed out all the dirt. Now it’s sparkling clean and all the keys are white. But while I was erasing the filth, it occurred to me that in its dirty state I effectively had a keyboard-sized infographic showing which keys I use and which I don’t. For some reason, the square brackets were completely filthy, even though I’m sure I use them sometimes, while the weird § key had a clean spot, even though I can’t remember ever having used it before typing this sentence. Comma was dirtier than full stop. Q was cleaner than Z.

Even weirder, the numbers got gradually dirtier from left to right, so 1 was clean while 9 was pretty mucky.

It’s nice to have a clean keyboard again but I feel like I’ve lost a historical record of the letters I type and the keys I don’t need. A little bit of history wiped away.

A lost classic

Over the years, our various Film Production Companies – Constantly Falling Productions, Al and Chris Productions, Chris Productions and the world famous Pouring Beans Productions – have turned out one classic movie hit after another. But talk amongst fans often turns to the story, told in hushed tones around camp fires late at night, that there is another film that was made but never released because Al lost it.

Well, those stories are true, and what’s more, Al has found the missing film under a selection of gentlemen’s art pamphlets in his attic. For the first time in a decade, Al n Chris’s Big Day Out has been unearthed. It’s a thrilling story of teleportation, time travel and evil twins.

Obviously I can’t post it here ahead of its Leicester Square premiere, but I have chosen a short clip from the pre-titles part of the film that shows what an incredible find it really is. In the space of just 24 seconds, this clip contains brilliant acting, exciting CGI graphics, a powerful original musical score and some nudity. Enjoy!