Kevin’s Beans

The new website has been up for a while now and seems to be doing swimmingly. There has been a wealth of information passed between these hallowed halls and I don’t know about you but my life has been fully enriched as a result of all the posts.

There’s someone though who hasn’t really seen the benefit. Our Kev, Mr Chang, Senor Menendez, whatever you want to call him, has been too busy watering his shutter pipes and shining the biff rafters to contribute anything. His bean count is very low and so in order to try to boost his levels I have come up with the following product:

This way Kev will have a multitude of promiscuous beans the whole year round and doesn’t need to worry about those pesky hard, dried up peas.

What I Should Be Doing

When I was a child I was, at first, convinced that when I grew up I was going to work as a space cowboy. It seemed like an ideal life: rounding up space cattle, eating space beans and flying through space on a jet-powered horse called ‘Rosie’. I don’t remember the exact point that life took my dreams and put them through a chundle mixer and told me that was a silly idea but it happened and thus I never got that ranch, those chaps or that hat.

Present day sees me sitting in an office living the giddy life of an office man. I mean I’m not chasing away space thieves trying to steal my space butter yet that doesn’t bother me. What does bother me is that this is not what I should be doing.

An evening in the company of one Kevindo Menendez opened my eyes to the world that is just beyond reach. They say that you never quite know what you’re good at until you give it a try, which obviously means that deep down I have the required skills and expertise to be a washing machine repair man. I already have the small, girlish hands for those tiny electric whatnots and for squeezing into those hard-to-reach areas. I look good in anything that’s not a shirt and tie. I can drive now so even if someone needs a washing machine repaired in New York (not that New York, the one in Tyne and Wear) I can step up to the challenge.

All I need now is some business cards and I’m up and running. They won’t have a picture of a crab on them but, by the beard of Graham Norton, they will announce to the world my real calling in life!

Pointless Purchases of the last Six Months

I mean, come on now. There was no way that I could keep purchasing things that I couldn’t use nor needed in any particular way. This blatant frivolity had to stop at some point and that point is now.

That is until after this post. This will represent the last of the ‘Pointless Purchases’ posts because what with having a car now and being a proper human, I mean adult, I don’t have any spare money to be frittering away on unopened video games, no matter how much they’ll fetch in a couple of years time. It’s best to go out with a bang though; give ’em something to remember you with.

So here’s what you’ve been waiting for; amiibos. Nintendo’s controversial answer to Skylanders and Disney Infinity which would take too long to explain all the why’s and the how’s. I own 22 of them in total. All you need to know is the following:

1. In order to use the amiibos you need a Wii U, the successor to the highly successful Wii console. I don’t have one of these so they all remain in their boxes.

2. You can also use them on the updated versions of the 3DS handheld consoles. I do own one but it’s still sealed in its box.

3. Even if I tried to use them with the 3DS I couldn’t. They have been specifically designed to only be used by taking them out of their boxes, and I don’t want to do that because I think they look nice in their boxes.

Take a deep breath, take a bow and leave the stage. It’s all over now, baby blue.

I will miss my pointless purchases.

Unusual Superheroes: The Car Man

I have a mild infatuation with comics and Kevin’s favourite, the graphic novel, but I have to admit that I was completely bamboozled by the superhero commonly known as ‘Car Man’.

From what I can gather his special powers appear to consist of being handsome, oozing broodiness and the ability to seduce both men and women. He likes to walk around without a shirt on on hot summer days and stir up trouble. I expect he’s one of those troubled superheroes that keeps cropping up, with a tragic back story that is only hinted at rather than fully explained. That’s why he keeps dancing. Why does he keep dancing? He’s troubled. You see, it makes perfect sense.

His misfortunes continue when he struggles to hold his drink down, a bit like me after a pint and a half of cheeky dragon, and fails when trying to emulate his hero, Tyler Durden, from the popular book and film ‘Fight Club’ during his own fight club. The Car Man cannot live with himself knowing he sucks at the one thing that should ultimately prove him as the manliest man alive and thus gets shot by some bint on a staircase. In his final moments, the Car Man wishes he had better super powers because broodiness cannot stop a bullet. That’s why I always walk around with a pan lid strapped to my chest.

I don’t think that children will ever want to be the Car Man because he’s not fun like Spiderman or has gadgets like Batman. Ultimately he will struggle for mass appeal which is why you won’t see me with his confused, sweaty face on my lunchbox.

Best Fwends

Friendships are supposed to last a lifetime. Friendships are the glue that hold together the people you know and without them we’d all be strangers wearing sunglasses trying to buy scouring pads. Nobody would expect a friendship to last a mere 24 hours and yet for it to mean so much.

Juggy was more than a friend. In the short space of time that we spent together it was obvious that he was more than a jug too. Juggy transcended the norm and exceeded all expectations.

What started out as a clearing out exercise at Kevin’s house, where he was sifting some carpets and buffing the parapets when I arrived, quickly turned into one of the moments that stay with you forever. Juggy met me with a high five and shortly after were cruising down to Stockport, singing along to the mix CD Kev had made when he wasn’t milking the rafters.

Juggy loved to sing. Not only this but he encouraged us to join in. He was the life and soul of the party, and when we actually reached the party he also became the loul and sife of the party too. So it was with a heavy heart that, learning of someone’s need for a jug, I handed him over to serve a greater cause. It was clear that it was destiny that Juggy came with us in order to help another’s plight and without him that person would have had to go to Wilkinsons to buy one. It was too much. I only have this photo to remember him by but, my God, he was one hell of a guy.

Here’s to you, Juggy. Salute!

A Cry For Help

Hi, my name is (deleted for legal reasons) and I have a problem. My problem is that I am drawn towards fake doctors, some of which I create in my own mind and some of which are presented to me in my daily life.

I suppose it all started a couple of years ago. I was on a friend’s stag do and go violently sick for no particular reason and had to abandon everyone at the restaurant we were dining in. My food was wrapped up for me and I retired to the hotel room feeling very unwell. The next day the only thing that made me remotely better was Dr. Burger, a delectable cut of meat wrapped in salad and soft white bread. She looked after me as I recuperated, watched over me in my time of need and when we had to part I felt a great sadness.

A year or two passed and despite a brief fling with Dr. Pepper nothing seemed to emerge. That is until I met Dr. Pepper’s sexy sister, Dr. Fizz. Whereas the former was very sweet and accommodating, the latter was dark and adulterous. She was all over me. I just couldn’t get enough of her and, every weekend, I would hide away with her and refuse to come out until we were done. I’m trying to distance myself yet no matter what I do I seem to end up with her.

So here I am, a wobbly mess, unable to cope without my hit of Dr. Fizz. Sometimes I find myself wandering the 24hr supermarkets at 2 in the morning sniffing around Dr. Oetker. Sometimes I’m found crying into Dr. Beckmann and his Glowhite Sheets. Dr. Karg and his organic cheese and pumpkin seed crisp bread offer me no salvation. Dr. Fresh and Dr. Salts stand at the back and point and laugh at my plight.

I need to know if there’s an end to this all because if there isn’t, one day you’ll break open into my flat and find me buried under a large mound of Dr. Brown’s wide neck silicone teats… and then it’ll be too late…

Jamiroquai is not… #57 – a swift

Jamiroquai is a band. Jamiroquai is fronted by the singer Jay Kay; we all know this. But do you know what Jamiroquai is not? This revolutionary series sets out to reliably inform the world all of the things that Jamiroquai is not.

57. A Swift

Jamiroquai is not a swift. However you look at it, whichever angle you come at this from and no matter how bad you squint your eyes Jamiroquai is not a swift. You could certainly draw a beak and wings on the band members. Heck, the lead singer has a name that actually is a bird. But is Jamiroquai a swift? No, not in the slightest.

Tests carried out on various members of the public also confirm almost conclusively that the residents of Tumbridge Wells do not consider Jamiroquai to be a swift. The local newspaper has never run any articles about the bird-like nature of any member of the band. None of the benches in the city centre have any graffiti whatsoever that has any connection to ornithology or the British funk/acid jazz group.

I’ve never met anyone who has ever mentioned in passing about Jamiroquai pertaining to be anything else other than a band who have sold in excess of 40 million albums worldwide. There are no pictures of swifts in the RSPB drawn by children that are called Jamiroquai or have been sketched by anyone called Jamiroquai.

Little Richard never sang a song about how alike the high aerial birds are to the MTV and Grammy award-winning group. Ross Kemp has never been in a documentary detailing the comparisons between the two.

In short, I think it’s fair to say that out of all the things that Jamiroquai could be, they are not a swift.

Pointless Purchase of the Month – February

I know what you’re thinking, you’re thinking, “Straight out of Christmas there’s no way that he could have money to burn and even if he did there’s no way he’d be stupid enough to put it up on the Beans.” Well clearly you’ve never met me because I’m much more stupid than that.

Yes! The glorious pothole that is the Pointless Purchase section. Let’s take a peek at what has been taking up space in the cupboard:

And why we’re these a Pointless Purchase? Let’s go to our official mascot, Pointless Purchase Panda.

1. The main reason would be that these are all blu rays and he doesn’t own a blu ray player. Even if he wanted to watch them he couldn’t.

2. The second reason is that he already owns them all on dvd, so there was no need to buy them again.

3. To make matters worse he watched the aforementioned dvds a couple of days before making the purchase just to really make the whole thing even sillier.

Thank you, Pointless Purchase Panda. I suppose the icing on the cake would have been if they were blu rays from a different region but never mind. I think I’ve made my point.

I can hear Kev’s blood pressure rising as I type… A job well done!

Pouring
Beans

Author: Ian “Air Travel Regulations” McIver