As you know, we operate a tea kitty for the communal kitchen area here at the Beans. This operates on a trust system which has, unfortunately, been abused. The big catering bags of sugar cubes have gone missing several times lately – presumed stolen – and now dirty mugs are being left in the sink without being washed up.

This is clearly unacceptable so, to make sure everyone understands their responsibilities, here are the rules for the kitchen area in full.

1. All Beans colleagues must pay one London pound or fifty Newcastle pounds into the kitty per month. This money will be used to buy tea, coffee, sugar and milk.
2. All colleagues must take it in turns to buy biscuits.
   1. Ian may not eat all the biscuits.
   2. If Jaffa Cakes are bought, there must be at least one full pack per person to avoid fights.
   3. Chris will not eat Hob Nobs and this matter is not for debate.
   4. Kev requires at least one type of biscuit suitable for dunking.
   5. Tunnocks Teacakes qualify as a “biscuit” for the purpose of buying biscuits and may be eaten in one mouthful at the discretion of the individual.
   6. Opened packets of biscuits are not to be removed from the kitchen. The smell of biscuits or the presence of stray crumbs can cause loud and distressing banging noises from the Character Hatch.
3. Pouring Beans branded mugs may not be taken home.
4. Do not drink milk from the bottle.
5. A microwave (800W) is provided for colleagues to heat up food that they have brought from home.
   1. The microwave may not be used as a makeshift bed when Changlet visits.
   2. The microwave may not be used to dry Ian’s fluffy pants, and no exception will be made regardless of the way in which they became damp.
6. Wash up your own cups.
7. Regardless of your views on their worth, Ian’s Mangapap Jap Crap may not be used to wipe down the work surfaces.
8. Do not use the kettle to heat up soup again.
9. Please consider other users of the kitchen when using the Soda Stream. Do not clog it up by attempting to add bubbles to custard, gravy or other viscous liquids.
10. Ian’s cask of Cheeky Dragon must be kept in the locked metal case at all times when not in use. A second Beans colleague must agree before any quantity of Cheeky Dragon may be decanted for consumption.
11. Don’t make Kev coffee, even as a joke. He will become violent.
12. When making jelly please use a bowl or other crockery. It is not acceptable to tilt the fridge onto its back and pour the jelly directly into it, especially if this results in Chris’s sandwiches being set into the middle of it.
13. Wash it, dry it, put it away. Excuses that rely upon “washing up monsters” are not acceptable.
14. Guests are entitled to one (1) hot beverage per visit or per week, whichever is less frequent. Guests may not drink any of Kev’s selection of real ales.
15. Do not leave teaspoons in the sink.

Obviously if the perpetrator of the sugar theft and dirty mugs is discovered, that person will suffer a suitable punishment.

Thank you.