Avatar Happening soon

Guys, everyone, I know this is upsetting to some but I needed to get the word out now before it’s too late.

Gary Barlow is happening soon!

Now I’m not expecting people to start jumping into their nuclear bunkers immediately. It looks as though we have a window, how long is anyone’s guess. As long as you’re busy looking through Barlow Handbook when you have the chance to do so then that’s all we can ask.

Double check that you have plenty of water and tinned food. Carry out plenty of practise exercises with your ear defenders and earplugs.

Don’t take any risks. If you see a Gary Barlow coming towards you, whether or not he is singing, turn around calmly and walk in the other direction with your hands over your ears.

And whatever you do, don’t click that button; you do *not* want any more information.

Avatar A criminal act

Sorry to end the month on a downer, but I think this has to be shared.

I no longer eat at the canteen at work. The reasons are varied, and include steadily deteriorating portion sizes, a reduction in options and eye watering prices. The thing that finally put paid to my days as an occasional canteen customer, though, was this.

This was sold as a Yorkshire pudding.

I don’t know what it was made of or how it was produced. It was not a Yorkshire pudding. It neither looked nor tasted like one. And even leaving aside the hideous insult this presents to my homeland, and taking it only on the merits of it being a foodstuff someone had prepared, it was pretty much inedible. Somehow its creator had created a substance that was simultaneously chewy and inedibly hard.

Anyway, it was a little while ago now and I’m not nearly as upset as I was, but I will be referring the matter to the police all the same.

Avatar Spoons

I’ve developed a new hobby… carving spoons. Its really therapeutic. I got the idea as I was pondering something different we could teach the scouts on camp, and I happened across the idea of spoon carving.

I did what most people do these days and looked on amazon, where I discovered that hook knives (that you need to carve out the ‘bowl’) are too expensive to buy 15 of them for a camp. So then I looked at eBay, and discovered that you cant buy knives on ebay. So then I looked at AliExpress, the cheaper, dodgier, Chineseier version of Amazon and bought a load of them for £2.50 each! Woo.

Anyway I had to get a bit of practice in before I taught a load of kids how to do it, so after too many hours on YouTube these are the result, my spoons.

Hand carved wooden spoons

From left to right…

  1. First attempt, using a bit of old pine bed slat
  2. A walnut spoon, much better.
  3. A (bed slat pine) Welsh love spoon, an additional (late) valentines present to Sarah.
  4. My favourite spoon so far, I’ve no idea what the wood was but it finished up lovely.
  5. Roughed out spoon from this weekend’s camping, made from freshly cut silver birch (tree had blown over in a storm) needs to dry out before I can finish it nicely.
  6. The tools. (Not the cheap AliExpress ones though. Once I made the first spoon and enjoyed it I bought myself some nice MoraKniv ones)

So there you are. Spoons.

Avatar ABOFB 37: This is Your Life (Movie)

A Breath of Fresh Beans returns from the loo, with a lovely ponderance from Ian about who would play each of us in the move adaption of our life stories. We discuss…

  • Kev’s manly physique
  • Chris becomes arousing
  • The many stages of Ian
  • Alternative castings… No Crossovers!

Avatar The jelly baby quiz: answers

Apparently when I set the jelly baby quiz way back in, I don’t know, the late 1990s, I promised that as well as prizes there would be answers. Well, the prize (singular) has now been distributed, so all that remains is to dig in to the answers to see how Kev came to be the winner.

Strap in for some detailed admin as we rake through all the questions, and everyone’s answers, one by one and in forensic detail.

Q1. Jelly is made using which animal product?

Jelly is produced using gelatine, which is made from collagen using animal bones.

  • Kev said “Cow or Pig Gelatine”. 1 point.
  • Smidge said “Bone Marrow”. 0 points.
  • Ian said “Gelatin”. 1 point.

Q2. Babies are born without which bones?

Kneecaps. Babies are born with cartiledge where their kneecaps will eventually form.

  • Kev said “Kneecaps!”. 1 point, plus a bonus for exuberance.
  • Smidge said “Horns”. 0 points.
  • Ian said “The ass”. This is not a bone recognised by medical science. 0 points.

Q3. In a classic red-yellow-green multicoloured jelly scenario, what flavour is the green one?

The UK jelly market has a standard colour scheme that applies to most brands. Green is either lime or lemon and lime. Either of those flavours will be accepted.

  • Kev said “Lime”. 1 point.
  • Smidge said “Go”. Go has no flavour. 0 points.
  • Ian said “Some kind of zesty juu?”. Like all humans, Jews taste like chicken. 0 points.

Q4. To the nearest 400, how many babies were born in the UK in 2023?

The Office for National Statistics recorded 591,072 births in England and Wales for 2023; the Scottish Government recorded 45,935; the Northern Ireland Registrar General recorded 19,962. This makes a total of 656,969. I don’t know what “to the nearest 400” even means so I will rank answers by how close they are to the right number.

  • Kev said “598,400”, which is short by 58,569, or almost the population of Scarborough.
  • Smidge said “598,401”, which is short by 58,568, or slightly more than the population of Gravesend.
  • Ian said “Let’s see, one born every minute, erm 525,600”, which is impressively close given the wayward methodology, but still short by 131,369, or approximately one Watford.

Smidge was the closest and scores 3 points. Kev was second closest and scores 2. Ian was furthest away and scores 1.

Q5. Which is the correct part of a jelly baby to eat first?

I eat the head first, so the jelly baby won’t suffer during the rest of the eating process. However, I will accept any reasonable answer. Reasonableness is at the quizmaster’s discretion.

  • Kev said “Head”. This aligns with my own approach. I approve. 1 point.
  • Smidge said “The bit that isn’t between your fingers”. There is an irresistible logic to this that I find impossible to deny. 1 point.
  • Ian said “Trick question. You eat all of it at the same time”. This appears to introduce no additional suffering beyond my own “head” method and is undeniably efficient. I have also definitely done this myself sometimes. 1 point.

Scores

Having reached the end of the questions we can now look at the scoreboard.

  • Kev had a storming quiz and scores 7.
  • Smidge had a slow start but picked up big points on the birthrate question, and scores 4.
  • Ian’s performance was a mixed bag throughout, and scores 3.

So, well done to Kev, who has probably finished his jelly babies by now, and commiserations to Ian, who appears to have somehow lost out to the eternally confused Smidge Manly. Better luck next time.

Avatar Inginuity

I’m delighted to announce the launch of my own personal high quality alcoholic spirit, Inginuity.

It’s a high quality gin, with a superior blend of botanicals that together produce a slightly sweet and satisfyingly spicy way to get hammered.

Like any gin, it has a base of juniper, orris root, coriander seed and angelica root – those alone would simply make it a London Dry. To this my team of expert blenders (me) have added the essence of Yorkshire Gold tea, pink peppercorns, cassia bark, lemongrass, lime, fennel seed, rosemary and rosebud. These were carefully chosen because they tasted the nicest when I tried all the things I could put in it, and because one of them is from Yorkshire.

Anyway, much as I’d like you to try Inginuity – either in a classic G&T, or perhaps a martini, or even just straight from the bottle like a hobo – it’s such a classy, small-batch drink that only one bottle was produced. But if we ever do get that lucrative distribution contract with a major supermarket, you’ll be the first to know.