Month: May 2018

Avatar Trekkin’ Abroad: Norman D.

So many posts in so few days. It’s almost like it’s the end of the month and people have one eye on the Bean Counter.

No matter. This isn’t just any post, this is important. Listen carefully.

I am posting to the Beans from a foreign location. I am, literally, Trekkin’ Abroad at this exact moment. I am within a country apparently called Norman D., though as yet I have been unable to ascertain its surname. However, armed only with this rudimentary information, I’ve narrowed down some likely suspects.

Norman Dodgin

An English footballer, who mainly played defensive positions, Norman Dodgin’s professional career lasted from the late 1940s to the early 1950s and he died in 2000.

Norman Douglas

An author, most famous for his 1915 book South Wind, Norman Douglas died in 1952 – interestingly, at a time when Norman Dodgin was at the height of his professional football career. A coincidence? Unlikely.

Norman Dyhrenfurth

Confusingly born in Breslau, a German city that no longer exists because it’s now called Wroclaw and in Poland, Norman Dyhrenfurth was a cinematographer who produced movies for National Geographic in the 1960s and is apparently also known for a film released in 2007, which is two years after his death. He was born on May 7th, the same as me. Another coincidence? Unlikely.

Clearly these are the three most eminent Norman D.’s in the world, and so logically if I am in a place called Norman D. then I must be in one of them. All three are dead, which brings the unsettling but inevitable conclusion that I have gone on holiday to a corpse. However, it seems to be a reasonably nice corpse, with a pleasant apartment that has a balcony and a short walk to shops and bars around an attractive harbour front setting, so if this is life inside a dead body it’s not all bad.

I am due to leave this place on Sunday and if any further information about the location or identity of Norman D. comes to light, I will share it here.

Avatar May Review – a review of May

Well, wasn’t that a nice May? It may (huh huh) have passed rather quickly but it’s fair to say that we all had a smashing time regardless. What did we learn?

We learned a lot about automobiles thanks to the super brain of ocular octogenarian Smidge Manly. Chris finally learned that he isn’t actually any relation to Kelly Jones and is in fact somehow part of the wind family. What kind of crazy reunion will he have later on this year? Can I manage to get past this section without a wind-based pun?

Kevin learned that continually not posting on the beans will leave him with a shameful string of dried-up peas. This kind of legacy is not a good legacy for loved ones, and the gif of the Changlet shaking his head in despair will remain at the back of his mind for decades to come.

I did not learn a thing. What I did was set myself umpteen challenges without properly considering the words that were coming out my mouth and through the tiny letters on my phone. It does mean that I have a full list, chocked full of nonsense, to keep me occupied during those warm summer nights.

Reuben learned that being hit with a cricket bat really sodding hurts. Audrey learned not to leave Reuben and I in charge of her flat when she goes on holiday, for fear of returning to pickle-based games with no clear end to them (which she did, for when she went away the second time this month she got her brother to keep an eye on it). At least one of us is learning.

Take a deep breath. By the time you let it out its already be June.

Avatar Smidge on Science: Cars

In this confusing and ever-changing world, we can all welcome a bit of guidance; an expert voice who can make things clear and brush away our doubts. Nowhere is the need for that clarity and wisdom more necessary than in the realm of science.

Thankfully, Smidge Manly is here and, over four episodes, he’s going to explain all there is to know about the “big four” scientific disciplines: time, wind, rain, and cars.

Obviously, he’s going to start with cars.

The next episode will arrive in precisely seventeen days, by order of Kev.

Avatar Like the wind

Today one of my colleagues was looking for me. I could tell because there was a voice from the corridor that said “where’s Chris?”. At that particular moment Chris was sitting on a chair in the office where he usually sits, so this was not a mystery that would take long to solve.

A moment later the owner of the voice came through the door and said “how did you get there? You weren’t here a minute ago”. This was true. A minute ago I had been in the toilet having a little wee. But discretion is the mark of a gentleman, so I chose not to mention it.

My colleague contemplated my mysterious and unexplained arrival, and declared that I was like the wind, moving about silently and without being seen. That is not a comparison that has ever been made before, and if I were to dispute it I’d say that all I’d done was call in to the bathroom while moving from one room to another, and it was just chance that my colleague had been trying to find me at the moment when I was not in one place or the other. But I chose not to dispute it because I like this idea.

Yes. I am like the wind.

Avatar What is a Mandolin?

A wise person once asked, “Where is my mind?” I often find myself coming back to this question as a reference point during the day because I know where my mind is physically, however there are times when certain acts of stupidity make me question whether it is really there at all.

You must remember to question everything. Nothing is for certain anymore. If you’d have told me fifteen years ago that I would have a tiny device in my pocket that could download cute videos of cats walking around like human beings at any time during the day I would have laughed right in your face. YOUR. FACE.

Do you know what a mandolin is? If you think it’s a stringed instrument in the lute family then you’d be so wrong I would have to stand on a precipice and tell the world. This is actually what a mandolin is:

It is a small, thin chocolate bar from across the sea, from a world where other chocolate bars clearly don’t exist. Quite what music shops have been selling all these years is anyone’s guess. Perhaps they have all been misspelling it all these years and those instruments of 6, 8 and 12 strings are, in fact, mendolins or mandolines, or possibly something else. If the decision were up to me, I believe a mandoloin would be an excellent name.

Faced with the possibility that all those times I have been getting mandolins all wrong, I have therefore proposed two outcomes to this predicament:

  1. I will write, perform and record a song using the aforementioned chocolate mandolin;
  2. I will eat one of these other “mandolins” you find in music stores.

It is the only way to find balance and harmony between these two vastly different things with the same name. If I am only half successful then the whole thing will be a total loss. If I can achieve both then the sun will come out and there will be a tomorrow to look forward to.

Wish me luck.

Avatar Not Very Good – Pets

Shhhhh! Be very quiet. No, I’m not hunting rabbits, but if you’re not careful then you may disturb this very rare animal I happened upon not so long ago:

Snuggled away in its carry case, away from prying eyes, the small collection of empty beer cans can be startled by even the tiniest of noises. You must approach with caution and with your hands behind your back as any attempt to circumvent these instructions will see them running away into the distance.

That is if this was a real thing. If the owner of this carry case is convinced that this is an animal of some kind then they are doing pets all wrong. A set of empty beer cans will not come when you call them. You cannot put them on a lead and walk them round the streets. There is nothing to boast about and no amount of grooming will turn them into a pet worthy of a competition winner.

You can pet them and you can instill a certain amount of love, however in order to get the best of them you must open up their heads and drink the insides. If you tried this with a goldfish or a hamster you would have the RSPCA breathing down your neck faster than you can say, ” official court summons” or possibly “Jimmy Tarbuck”.

This kind of relationship will only end in confusion, heartache and a trip to your corner shop to replenish your fridge with more “pets”. If I were you, and quite frankly I am relieved I am not, I would settle for a potato with a face drawn on it: strong, loyal and great with steak.

Next time… Animals!