Category: Face Update

Avatar The Face Update – Round Three

I would like to call this version 3.0 but I don’t believe I can. It is more of a downgrade than anything else, a version 1.5 or 1.7 and a little bit more. The face you once knew has changed so dramatically that you may not even recognise it anymore and certainly not in the way I was planning it. This great year of 2020 was going to be the year that my face soared into the stratosphere. I had so many plans lined up and this Bovona Virus has sent all of them crash-landing into Mike’s Carpets. It’s gone proper Lesley Pipes, no no, worse, it’s gone Chesney Wipes. Look at what has happened:

  1. Original Eyes – they’re still there, still the best. In fact the last opticians appointment I went to they had gotten slightly better. I reckon that all the new eyes have prompted them to up their game because they didn’t want to be left behind. Good on you, original eyes!
  2. Looking Eyes – the viewing eyes had to be removed and replaced with last years’s looking peepers. I couldn’t go an unknown amount of time without looking at things.
  3. Peering Eyes – sticking strong at three, a non-mover by all accounts. I peered outside today and saw a lovely sky. Worth every penny.
  4. Seeing Eyes – another one locked in. I believe that based on previous comments the “chin boobs” are a favourite amongst my admirers and I did my damnedest to ensure they remained.
  5. Perception Eyes – it was a difficult choice between holding onto these instead of my others. Their tactically favourable position around the back of my head gave them a distinct advantage and in the end the decision to keep them was a wise one.
  6. Spotting Eyes – these were moved from their previous position, above the ear, into a more fancy, bobbing effort round the front. I expected that any spotting would need to be done at a moment’s notice so there is a little switch next to my right ear which launches the Spotting Eyes when I need to do some spotting. They hide underneath my fringe (now quite long and droopy) until they are required. It was the last project my team did before most of them were disbanded.

During these financial hardships we are all going through, I had to remove and sell my glimpsing, viewing, noticing, mysterious, triple and poker eyes. They’re all gone; sent through the realms of the black market to those who probably do not deserve them. My crack team have also been significantly reduced to just one lady scientist and a robot with a limp. They’re the best at what they do and I know they will keep plugging away although when I will be able to afford new eyes again is anyone’s guess.

Such a sad state of affairs. My face has never felt so open, so vulnerable, so naked. What happens when I need to notice something in the distance? What do I do when I need to glimpse ahead to see how busy the petrol station is or how long the line into the supermarket is? I don’t have the answers and I don’t expect anyone else to have them either. To give into despair about one’s lack of ojos though is to give in to life itself. No, I will not allow myself to dwell on this. I still have six perfectly good pairs of eyes at my disposal and I will carry on, friends.

Look, peer, perceive, spot and see me and I hope you are all inspired.

Avatar Chris is Middlesbrough

I am Bruntingthorpe, that has previously been proven (see http://pouringbeans.com/i-am-bruntingthorpe/)

Now, given the choice, Chris has decided that he is Middlesbrough. Recent aerial photography can confirm this:

His cheery, cheeky face can now be seen by anyone flying over the Tyne Tees area. It is sure to bring more tourists up to this part of the world than the Sunderland Airshow and the Wetwang Scarecrow Festival combined.

Now it only remains for Kev to decide what part of the United Kingdom he will turn into.

Avatar The More You Know – The Chris Explosion

It’s been floated around for some time now and there’s been an awful lot of confusion as to what happens. You know what I’m referring to; that urban myth that has been haunting this website for as long as I or anyone else can remember. Legend says that if Chris Marshall watches a film, any movie whether short, black and white, foreign or animated, he will explode.

You may laugh at such a premise but it is true. A genuine medical condition that only affects one in twenty million, ‘Brewster Explodius’ came to light during the middle of the twentieth century. The first recorded case was a Clarice Mucklesniff, a 26 year old waitress from North Dakota. She was going to the movies with her boyfriend and less than five minutes into the opening credits she exploded. Her bits were catapulted across the theatre, landing mostly in the aisles bar her arms which landed in the lap of an elderly couple towards the front. Since then there have been multiple cases all over the world of this unfortunate illness.

So we move to our current case, Christopher “Christopheles” “Sausage and Cheese Isosceles” Jimmy Jam-Jam Marshall. Poor Chris has been living with this for most of his life. It was lucky that a friend of the family, who is au fait with these kinds of medical conditions, was able to diagnose him before the worst could happen. In order for us to understand more, we need a hypothetical situation:

A HYPOTHETICAL SITUATION:

Chris has had a hard day at work. He’s taken off his feather boa and decides to relax on the sofa before making some food. As he picks up the remote to browse some channels, the TV opens on that bit in ‘Cocoon’ where the old people get in the pool with the aliens and have a pool party. 

  1. His eyes witness the film on the screen. The retinal pools record the information and turns it into some weird shapes and colours, possibly resembling cats. This makes it easier to send it up the pipe shaft.
  2. The information travels up the pipe shaft, past the nosal tubes, towards the front part of the brain, more commonly known as the Gluco-chaffinch. Here it is split into several nixtoglands and sent to the seven corners of the human mind.
  3. For a normal person this would be fine; the nixtoglands would reach their destination and everyone would feel great. Several people would do backflips. For Chris though this is the beginning of the end. When the seven corners are activated it causes the multo peak in the glorbo cells to light up. 
  4. Now it is only a matter of time. The blood pumps up into his face muscles which only accelerates the process. The glorbo cells chat to the peanuke rittles causing a chain reaction between the two, meaning a complex chemical implosion that reverses around the maypole and turns back into an explosion. 
  5. It goes off. His head catapults to the ceiling. His noses fires off into the kitchen. The eyes don’t make it that far and the ears flop to the floor. The body doesn’t move from the position, it’s still enjoying the film.

I don’t need to tell you that this cannot happen, ever, mainly for my sake because then it’ll mean I’ll be down one friend and will need to hold auditions for a new one to fill the position. Do you know how long that’ll take? Far too long. Please keep my friend safe and never show him any films.

Avatar James Earl Jones is Amazing

Do you know who’s amazing? I’ll give you a hint, it’s not you or I. Nor I. No, neither of us is amazing. You can show me all your achievements, medals, awards and dissertations but you will never be as amazing as James Earl Jones.

This will be difficult for some of us to understand (i.e. Chris) due to the fact that some of us cannot watch films for fear of exploding. That said, James Earl Jones, or JEJ as he is known to his closest friends and family, has also has a stuperbulous career on both television and on stage, so you’ve got no excuses some people. He is a huge talent and has played everyone from a man covered in black plastic to a huge lion and even read all 27 books of the New Testament in ‘James Earl Jones Reads the Bible’. I know now what everyone is getting for Christmas…

I have a ton of respect for James because he’s always been there in lots of things, lots of things I have enjoyed which is a rarity these days. I almost fell off the sofa though when I paused a film he was in and this came up:

Immature, juvenile, yes yet also immensely satisfying and hugely enjoyable. I think James Earl Jones looks even cooler with walrus tusks. Walrus tusks or sticks of chalk coming out of his nose. He can pull off any look, he’s that good an actor.

Avatar An Apology of Sorts

Dear Everyone,

(And when I say “everyone” I mainly mean Chris.)

I have let you all down. Look at me and feel disappointed right down to your very core. For the last eleven months I have managed to crack out a steady rate of four posts per month in line with the rules decided by the Beans Board. I am not permitted to go past four posts for fear of what may come forth from my subconscious; we all remember that December where I posted something new every day and almost lost my mind in the process. That can never happen again.

At the end of October I was three posts in with only one left to go. I was on the verge of slipping one in on the last day to earn that mighty, mighty bean and keep the count going. In fact it started a few days prior, I watched the calendar move from 29th to 30th October and then the last day was on the horizon. Each evening I was poised to finish what I had started and for some reason I couldn’t. It wasn’t as though I was stuck for ideas; I have several brewing for this month, not great ones but enough to reach the quota. In the words of that Papples album title that never was, “Ticking the Boxes”. So why not?

It was two reasons. The first is simple: I was tired, I was still getting rid of my sinusitis and I couldn’t find the energy to do anything let alone type words and stare at a screen. My face stung like a blunt wasp’s nail file (it’s fine now). The second is also simple: I was struck by the quality of Chris’ posts that I didn’t believe I could come up with anything that was as good. After laughing for several days upon seeing my book covers not stacked in a pile, ready to be thrown on the bonfire, but displayed for the world to see my brain took a leap and gave up. It decided that three was enough for this month and the streak was over.

The time for giving up is over though. I am back on the horse and ready to take flight yet again. I am honking all the geese at the same crossroads. It’s going to be nothing BUT quality from hereon in. November and December are going to be BELTERS.

Before that though I am going to have to be punished for my transgressions. It is only fair for letting everyone (?) down. I am going to ask Kevin to administer this for my failure to do my job properly.

All the fun of the fair

Ian McIver

Avatar The Face Update – Round Two

What you didn’t know is that secretly I wanted most of my face to be a giant mouth.

Hello and welcome back to my face. Nice to have you back. I have hinted at the technological advances in previous messages (in fact, there’s been a lot of bants about my visa/volto) so without further ado I present you with My Face Version 2.0:

1. Original Eyes – the original but not necessarily the best, as my prescription gradually gets worse with each opticians appointment.

2. Viewing Eyes – for my viewing pleasure.

3. Peering Eyes – the ones my peers are most jealous of.

4. Seeing Eyes – the best sight that money can buy (or chin boobs as someone once referred to them as).

5. Glimpsing Eyes – I’m sorry, was that a cat carrier full of empty beer cans? Let me take a glimpse.

6. Spotting Eyes – still a good back up pair when peering is out of the question. They have been moved from the top of the ear to underneath so the ear itself now also looks like a face. Handy.

7. Looking Eyes – guaranteed to help when trying to choose between buying one unnecessary thing and another unnecessary thing.

And now for the upgrades:

8. Noticing Eyes – when you can’t quite believe what you saw and need a second opinion.

9. Perception Eyes – or percepting eyes, able to perceive things for what they really are.

10. Mysterious Eyes – for confusing people and running away when you’ve forgotten to bring your wallet to the supermarket.

11. Triple Eyes – when you want people to believe you have psychic powers, the triple always steals the attention in your general direction.

12. Poker Eyes – nobody will call your bluff when you’ve got these babies on show.

I was hoping to have more at this point in my life yet I am still very happy with all my sets of eyes.

Look at me (ME!) and be inspired.

Avatar Pie Shaver

Don’t you sometimes want to do something a little unorthodox? Don’t you want to live life on the edge? When someone points the finger at you, accusing you of being a boring old fart, don’t you want to hold something up and tell them that they’re wrong?

Don’t you sometimes want to shave a pie?

Behold!

Reuben and I did. It was a marvellous occasion for all, except the pie, which everyone forgot about and had to be thrown out.

Avatar Stationary Harassment – Part 2

Following the harrowing experience I encountered in Asda car park last year HERE, there is another dog looming on the horizon who clearly has something against me.

The kind of job that I do involves a lot of checking windows. I mean I love windows me, even if it wasn’t part of the job I would happily peruse lists and lists of properties with the same postcodes of the people I know to see who has got the correct certification and who hasn’t. Some people have hobbies, some people spend hours looking at double glazing; that is my life and I am sticking to it. What greets you though as you load up the lovely FENSA website is this (apologies for the poor quality photo):

What is his problem?

The woman is happily discussing getting new windows, possibly for her semi-detached house that desperately needs refurbishment work because the rest of the street has already done it and it she had to wait for her aunt’s inheritance to come through before she could pay for everything, and hiding above her shoulder is this grouch, this Grinch, this menace. The prospect of double glazing means that the house will be adequately insulated against the bad weather types so the dog should be actively encouraging this behaviour. Instead he squints and grimaces his way each time you come to the website.

He looks as though instead of serving him doggy kibbles and sweet cheeks for breakfast (I’m not quite sure what dogs eat) he received a massive turd garnished with dandruff. He looks as though he’s been waiting for his PPI refund cheque for over four weeks and the company isn’t responding to his emails. He looks like Eamonn Holmes gave him a right good telling off for not observing the strict kitchen rules, carefully printed on a wooden plaque, hanging over the doorway.

I am doomed to repeat this each and every single time. If you want to have a peek with your peeking eyes, and have the stomach for it, you can witness his face HERE