Fashion Guru

After the roaring success of my washing machine repair business, I have been on the lookout for another venture to dip my respective success toes in. I have been inundated with suggestions from fans as to what I can apply my brilliant effortless skills to but nothing seemed quite right. That is until I took a long hard look in the mirror.

“What do you see, Ian?” my subconscious murmured. “What do all your various pairs of eyes see / view / peer etc?”

What I saw that day, I cannot utter again. That image is for m-me and m-me alone. What all you need to know is that I made the grand decision that I would become a fashion guru. I know clothes, and I know people, so it was inevitable that the two would eventually meet. There are a lot of people out there who don’t know how to dress. Why can’t they do it? How hard is it to put clothes on in the morning? Luckily for me though, without these chumble buckets I wouldn’t be in a job.

Using all my knowledge of people and clothes, I will be establish the empire of the 21st century. There will be those who will doubt my prowess and I am more than ready to take on their comments and their egos. There will be those who will make fun of my previous professional career turns, and I can tell you now I am nor will I ever be ashamed of where I came from. Those washing machines were mended with all the love, care and attention I will now be pushing into, erm, denim jackets.

I will be opening up my fashion shop cum studio cum money-spinning franchise in the fashionable area of Benwell, Newcastle upon Tyne. When I reach my first cool hundred mil, which no doubt will be before the end of the year, I will set my sights on the next great style capital of the world; Middlesbrough!

If you need me, make an appointment with my PA.

Beaver Ian

This is Beaver Ian.

It is me re-imagined as a beaver. You can tell that it’s me because it looks like me, albeit with beaver characteristics. I am often caught with a Walter Matthau hang-dog expression on my face and five days out of seven can be seen wearing what resembles a suit, and pretending to be an adult.

This re-imagining was drawn courtesy of Reuben. This is officially the best drawing of me ever and is practically on the same level of dedication and excellence as the drawing my niece did of her dad with penises for hands.

I only wish I looked as good as Beaver Ian.

Dear Beans… Film Theme Face Focus

Dear Beans,

It has recently been brought to my attention that most cinemas in the UK and, indeed, the world only show a selection of the most recent movies committed to celluloid. And that’s as far as they go. There are no plans to stretch beyond this very limited approach to mass exposure, that is until I had a brainwave last night.

What the world needs now is a new kind of cinema. What it needs is for someone to bring something fresh to the table. I think you can see where I am coming from yet for those who still need a massive hint look no further than the next paragraph:

FACE CINEMA

Yes, suck deep and bathe on that. It’s the next logical step up from the ‘face updates’ that have started to appear online. You should not have to settle for just a couple of photos of your face, you should be able to display fully three dimension renderings of your viso/volto for everyone to see for a competitive price. In my vision, the multiplexes of the past are replaced with modern technology, one that is activated using face scans to open doors and serve popcorn. You’ll then walk through the corridors to the main rooms where my huge face hangs above you, a towering man-sized face for you to gawp and view with as many pairs of your eyes as you have.

We can even incorporate special events where people spend ludicrous amounts of money to have their own face displayed for a limited time, but the majority of the time it will be my face that will get all the attention.

I think a cool three mil will be enough to get it started. Can you please pass this around and hand me the hat full of cash over the weekend.

Yours conceivably

James D. Titan
Attorney at Law

A fine view

We all know how wonderful it is to lay one’s eyes on a beautiful prospect. It can be a true balm for the soul. (Those of us with five or more pairs of eyes presumably get even more from the experience.)

As an avid looker at lovely things of every description, you can imagine my excitement when I came across this sign, promising riches beyond imagining.

I was, of course, hoping for something truly breathtaking, like a city of dazzling bejewelled exotic domes and turrets glittering in the desert sun, or my own face hewn from solid rock in a rugged depiction occupying the whole side of a mountain. What I actually got, 450 metres later, was some countryside with some trees and that.

To say I was disappointed would barely hint at the extent to which this grand promise went unfulfilled. But I’m determined nobody else should suffer the same fate, so I am having the field boundaries adjusted across the whole of the parish so that, in future, others gazing upon the allegedly fine view see my face depicted therein, and they will know that they really have seen the finest view England has to offer.

You’re welcome.

The Face Update – All of my Eyes

Due to the relentless, phenomenal demand, not seen on this scale since the Papples last arena tour, I have decided to provide a face update so that everyone can finally see exactly how many pairs of eyes I have.

Your average human being will be quite satisfied with one pair, consisting of exactly two eyes. That, I am afraid, was not good enough for me. Settling for only two would be a joke as far as I am concerned so the boys in the lab took time out of their busy lunch breaks to knock up some spares which I have secreted about my person and only now reveal for your viewing pleasure (dad joke, strike the bell):

Original Eyes – the ones that I was blessed with upon my birth.
Viewing Eyes – the ones used to viewing things up close.
Peering Eyes – the ones used for peering at items from a distance.
Seeing Eyes – the ones where you really want to see more than normal.
Glimpsing Eyes – for when you don’t have time to take a good, firm look.
Spotting Eyes – a back up for when my peering eyes aren’t working.
Looking Eyes – for when you do have time to take a good, firm look.

It does require an awful lot of upper body strength to carry this many pairs of eyes with me at all times, yet I feel as though it is the best move. However you use your eyes no doubt there will come a time when you need an extra pair, and I always have at least seven spare pairs (bears) on me.

I am also very excited when the Perception Eyes (June 2017) and Notice Eyes (November 2017) will be available.

Up Close and Personal

Following the recent startling relevation that former news reader Nicholas Witchell is a decent guy who will allow himself to be winched into a sewer to check on the wellbeing of a former 80’s puppet celebrity, it was also revealed the unique complexities of his complexion.

Nicholas Witchell’s face contains smaller versions of his face, and on each of those faces is another collection of faces.

It has not been checked thoroughly but scientists have theorised that the “face phenomena” could go on forever. It could easily rival the ever-expanding universe as the thing that nobody can really comprehend fully because if you did you might hide in a yurt and eat tv guides due to the fact that you’d lost you mind.

It’s dangerous out there.

Sport

Sport! We all know what sport is, but until recently I had no interest in it.

“Pah!,” I would say, “away with your sport”. Sometimes I would tut and shake my head. Sport was a mystery to me, something that affected others deeply and yet passed me by.

Well, no more. I’ve been bitten by the sport bug. I am a sport man now.

The Face Update: My Face

After an overwhelming number of requests, it was only fair that I provide an update about my face so everyone can stop pondering their ponders and querying their queries. If you have seen my face recently you may be a little shocked as to the present state and condition of it, so I would respectfully and humbly ask that all of you take a seat before reading the rest of this post.

The Face

As you can see, the majority of my face is now just a nose. This nose takes up approximately 80% of what used to be my face. Can you even still call it a face when most of it is a nose? Nobody knows. All I know is that things have become a lot more nasal as a result of this.

The Nose

The nose continues to grow at an exponential rate. Scientists predict that within three weeks I will have lost my face altogether. It will cease to exist and only one massive, humongous nose, attached to a pair of arms and legs, will walk around pretending to be me. I will resemble Chris the Cheese but instead of a large block of cheese I will resemble a huge conk, and small school children will haphazardly wander into and up my nasal cavity in the hope of finding their lost kites and skateboards.

The Eye

In addition to this, another shocking revelation is that one of my eyes has been replaced by a BBC news presenter in the middle of reporting an interesting piece about China. This article repeats every seven minutes and whilst it has become a repetitive and somewhat annoying inclusion, it is very informative and has won several awards. Seeing through it is no longer an option; I have taken to wearing an eye patch, much like pop chanteuse Gabrielle, to cover my iron shame.

Conclusion

… I should probably go see a doctor.

Pouring
Beans

Category: Face Update