Avatar Happening soon

Guys, everyone, I know this is upsetting to some but I needed to get the word out now before it’s too late.

Gary Barlow is happening soon!

Now I’m not expecting people to start jumping into their nuclear bunkers immediately. It looks as though we have a window, how long is anyone’s guess. As long as you’re busy looking through Barlow Handbook when you have the chance to do so then that’s all we can ask.

Double check that you have plenty of water and tinned food. Carry out plenty of practise exercises with your ear defenders and earplugs.

Don’t take any risks. If you see a Gary Barlow coming towards you, whether or not he is singing, turn around calmly and walk in the other direction with your hands over your ears.

And whatever you do, don’t click that button; you do *not* want any more information.

Avatar Newsboost – the super megafood

Scientists have done it once again and have officially announced that a new superfood has been created.

Top boffins at the Food Science Laboratory in East Sussex have managed to genetically modify an avocado with a punnet of blueberries to create the world’s first (presumably) SUPER super food; the Bluebocado.

This means that by eating one you would be getting the same disease-fighting antioxidants (anthocyanins if you want to get super technical) of blueberries coupled with the healthy monounsaturated fats, fibre, potassium and various vitamins such as K, E and C of avocados. We were unable to obtain a picture prior to this article but can only describe it as looking like a giant green ostrich egg with a blue wig.

“We have been working hard at developing something that was even more nutritious and even more satisfying than your standard average superfoods,” scoffs leading scientist Blemodine Advocate, “the demand for better foods has far outstripped what nature is capable of. I mean they gave us the tools with which to survive so we should be grateful for that. There is only so much that they can do though. You don’t see bees mixing uh uh a melon with a dandelion to create a refreshing drink, that’s something that we humans have to do.”

The Bluebocado was revealed in a press conference in London two days ago and since then the fervor on social media has reached peak levels:

  • “I NEED that superfood in my life RIGHT NOW,” said Twitter user Tenfor10UK
  • “I’ll sell my kids to get something that special,” gushed MotherofthreeMcGee79
  • “When it goes on sale, I’m calling in sick at work and I’m going to eat four of them at the same time,” murmured the quaintly named cuDDlebuCKet88

The Food Standards Agency has approved all the paperwork of the Bluebocado so there is nothing to stop it going on general sale at the start or next month. That said, some have questioned whether it is as fancy and sophisticated as it is being made out to be.

“It sounds amazing,” said celebrity food pusher Quentin Woodcock, “it sounds incredible, but what does it actually taste like? People haven’t been allowed to sample the bluebocado prior to the release which is unusual. They did the press conference, and you could look at it but not taste it. Blueberries and avocados have two very different dynamic flavours, and I am unsure as to whether they would work together.”

We took that question to Blemodine Advocate. “It tastes as you would expect it to taste; superfluous! We’ve combined two superfruits to create a mega superfruit, or megafruit (we’re still deciding on the official moniker). You’ll get four of your five a day from two bites. You’ll get all the benefits or both fruits. It’s reasonably priced too unless you’re buying it from Waitrose.”

As with most things, only time will tell if the story of the super duper megafruit will have a happy ending or it will leave us all with a sour taste in our mouths.

Avatar Ian’s holiday snaps – #3

Do you feel like a mystery today? I think you’re looking for a mystery and I’ve got exactly what you need.

As I wandered the barren desolate wasteland of Florida, in the hopes of finding something worthy of my time (tad over dramatic, I know) I kept noticing these signs dotted around the place. I saw some on a highway as we drove to a mall one morning and there were also some lurking around the massive McDonalds.

Who keeps leaving these signs? What kind of website are they proposing? Why are there no details or pictures? Who would be insane enough to give money to a random stranger advertising on the corner of a McDonalds?

I kept imagining some sort of lummox on the other end of the phone and he would spin a wheel for every customer. Whatever the wheel would land on, that’s the website you got. You didn’t have a say in the matter and if you tried to he would send the “website boys” round for a little “chat”.

I’ll never get answers to my questions and, settling into my chair at home, thousands of miles away from website man / woman and their shady empire, I’m quite content to leave it that way.

Avatar Newsboost – Improper perfume positioned for prosperity

Shock news from across the water as a new perfume is about to hit the market with a familiar smell that may turn your stomach.

Australian nose fondling magnate, Winter de Socket, will soon be releasing a fragrance that harnesses the essence of faeces in a move which has confounded critics and befuddled just about everyone else.

“It’s all about turning that notion on its head,” said de Socket at a recent promotional event, “the idea that something is bad. Oh, you can look at something and dismiss it as uncool, pathetic or sad then ten years later that same thing is the talk of the town. Trends change. People change. Why can’t the same thing happens with smells?”

The particular type of faeces chosen for the perfume is from our four legged friend, the cow. Surely the most well known of all poo types, next to our own of course. The fact that de Winter is releasing poo perfume is quite mad, the idea of paying £200.00 for a 200ml bottle surely bordering on insanity and yet since the pre-order window opened, the website has consistently been sold out. Who exactly is buying this guff?

We turned to fashionista Melandra Melody for an insight into this madness. “You have to understand he’s been pushing these kinds of boundaries for years,” she says, “so he knows exactly what he’s doing. You smell poop and you wince away in shame. What Winter smells is the future, what he can smell is fresh money and possibly a new conservatory the size of your house. I saw him waiting tables back in Melbourne and two years later he’s the genius who decided to bottle the smell of fresh hands. Harness the power of scent and you too could be as successful as him.”

What exactly can we expect from the future then? Is going to harness the power of sick and flog it to the rich and wealthy?

“That is a distinct possibility. Stranger things have happened. This is only the first perfume in his new line so your guess is as good as mine. Whatever it is though you can guarantee it will be a hit!”

Comforting words from a world most of us will never fully understand. Will his next perfume be earwax? That weird stuff you find in your belly button? Would you pay two hundred pounds to pour essence of cadaver over your body? If you’ve got deep enough pockets then you too could smell like a hobo for the right price.

You have my condolences.

Avatar Mortgage statement

Massive Bankers Plc

Mortgage Centre
High Interest House
Cashola Park
Nottingham
NG1 8JU

Dear Mr. Marshall

ANNUAL MORTGAGE STATEMENT

ProductAbsolute Swizz Bankers Rate Fix v9
Mortgage Number1563786454
Property AddressForce It Up Your Richard
Hampshire
Near France

OVERVIEW OF YOUR MORTGAGE FOR THE PERIOD 23 JANUARY 2024 TO 23 JANUARY 2025

Opening balance£205,466.54
Repayment 23 January 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 February 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 March 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 April 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 May 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 June 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 July 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 August 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 September 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 October 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 November 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Repayment 23 December 2024 – thank you£1325.63
Interest charged£7208.44
On Time Repayment Fee£2101.03
BOE Interest Rate Above 3% Penalty£883.97
Monthly Direct Debit Fee£1783.88
Non-Dollar Transaction Surcharge£1326.10
Window Tax£604.14
Massive Bankers Plc Christmas Bonus£2000.00
Remaining balance£205,466.53

If you require help with your mortgage or making repayments, log in to our online banking portal using your customer number, account number, unique password, three letters of your passphrase and a weird plastic calculator thing. Our AI bots are waiting to help you but will never pass you on to a human being.

Yours sincerely,

Ava Pricey-Holme
Chief UK Mortgage Account Executive Officer

Avatar Kick out the jam (into your mouth)

Do you like plums?

Do you like jam?

Do you like jammy plums? Then we’ve got the product for you!

‘Kev’s Plums’ is a brand new treat that you and your family can enjoy all day, every day. We’ve taken the rich, tangy taste of plums and mapped that (using a computer) into the best kind of food you could ever have; jam!

Spread it on apples, spread it on potatoes, sponges, pizza and ice cream. You can even spread it on toast.

‘Kev’s Plums’ contains half the sugar you’d expect from other inferior james but with twice the taste. Experts agree with an overwhelming 96% on Rotten Tomatoes and 8.9 score on IMDB.

Bring life back to the party. Bring your life to life with ‘Kev’s Plums’!

(From Kev Inc., a subsiduary of the Kevindo Menendez food dynasty).

Avatar Jeans

You know what’s mad? The world of jeans, specifically women’s jeans. Sure, you could easily say the world of cheese (“let’s roll huge wheels of it down a steep hill and let people chase after them,”) or the world of imaginary policemen made of earwax are equally bizarre, and you’d be completely right. The difference though is that I can take law enforcers made of cerumen (it’s a medical term, I looked it up), what I can’t take is wandering into a supermarket and seeing rum and pineapple mixed in with my cheddar. MY cheddar. No. Stop that. None of that.

The world of jeans was so straightforward for me until a recent trip to Marks and Spencer looking for Christmas things brought forward this oddity:

“Mom ankle grazer; what the deuce is that?”

It was then casually explained to me by Vikki that women’s jeans all have these wild and crazy names. How sheltered I must have been to have not realised this sooner. Not that I go wandering around the women’s section in clothes shops (despite what the British press continue to write about me, all of them made up and, no comment, you can get one from my solicitor). I then immediately looked up more details on the M & S website.

Blimey. Was this always the case? Are men’s jeans the same? Not in the slightest. What we have is very basic: loose fit, straight fit, straight let, slim fit, blue, black, grey, tapered. Nothing remotely interesting. It’s nice that everything is so much more playful in the world of women’s jeans. Perhaps it wasn’t always the case and fifty years ago slightly muddled women formed queues around the building for dull, lifeless articles of clothing with names like ‘big’, ‘small’, ‘stocky’ and ‘no’. That said, I wouldn’t fancy wandering into a shop and asking if they have anything in Magic Shaping High Waisted Flare or a Harper Supersoft Cigarette Jeans. Throw in a few more vowels and you may as well be reading Harry Potter spells.

This means that men’s jeans need a radical overhaul and given my vast, rich experience dealing with many different lines of work, I believe I am the right person for the job. This is what I’ve been working on:

  • Stretch fit changed to Elephant Limo Garrison
  • Slim fit changed to Furious Corner Pop-up Shop
  • Straight fit changed to Nothing Flouncy Sunshine
  • Straight leg changed to Recess Chimney Warrant
  • Loose fit changed to Barnacle Profit Tax
  • Tapered changed to Wounded Poison Ranch Dressing

All it took was a little time and a little thought and now everything is so much better. You’ll thank me next time you’re walking around Asda and notice that they have a pair of Furious Corner Pop-up Shop in your size. Yes, you will.

Avatar Why would you buy this?

We all know that I have a turbulent past (turbulent, I say!) with spending my disposable income. Kev has gotten so mad in the past based on my “pointless purchases” that he literally cannot even sometimes. It’s all heartbreaking stuff.

As we wandered around the slightly freezing Lake District in mid-November, me forgetting a proper coat and taking a photo where my nose looks as bright and pink as a carnation, I came across the following in a shop. It was hidden away towards the back along with some other shonky and partially damaged goods:

Now I’m one for a bargain but unless I have another set of draughts with only the black pieces, possibly acquired from a rival store with a similar problem, then surely this is going to remain unsold for some time.

Did they eat all the black pieces thinking they were licorice? Were they stolen by a deranged kleptomaniac with specific requirements? Did anyone get a video?

We will never know the full story and normally I would put good money on them still being there the next time we visit, however human beings are weird and I reckon someone will snap them up sharpish. Possibly as a joke present.

Ack, that should have been me!