Category: Business

Avatar Chris can’t organise a village fête

Someone had to say something.

There we are, having a good ole friendly chat at the Winston when this Chris guy starts talking about some formal occasion he’s organising. Nice one, right?

Wrong. He’s got it all wrong. What should be an easy win with an open goal turns into an own goal which smells of bad eggs and then renames all the roads in England and Wales without telling him, and they’re super silly names too that you’ll never remember.

I get the impression he’s never been to a village fête, let alone sorted one out. Here’s all the information we have so far:

What he does have:

  • A carousel
  • A big event (possibly involving cars)
  • Everyone turning up in formal dress

What he doesn’t have:

  • A craft tent full of bickering old ladies
  • A white elephant stall selling all the piddling crap people got for Christmas that were too embarrassed to drop off at a charity shop
  • A man with a laser who loves lasering names into pieces of wood, metal and any other material that’s safe for his laser
  • Whack-a-rat (sometimes known as ‘Splat the rat’)
  • A cake stall where someone has mislabelled the prices so a full fruitcake is 99p but a single scone is £4.99
  • An announcer who is so muffled by feedback nobody can tell what he or she is saying
  • Terrible weather halfway through that clears up after 8 minutes, giving all the old people something to talk about for the rest of the afternoon

As you can see, there’s a lot of work that needs doing in a very short period of time. I’m also sure I’ve missed a few obvious ones there.

I would recommend the services of Kevin “been doing this 30 years, bruh” Hill because he’s been, well, you probably get the jist. The experience and expertise he can bring will be invaluable and will ensure that Chris and his village fête are quintessentially perfect in the eyes of everyone who attends. The eyes are all that matter.

I’ll bring a bag of pennies and the overwhelming optimism of a man who hasn’t watched the news for two decades.

Avatar Fancy pub checklist

Pubs all used to be more or less the same, back in the day. Dark brown furniture, brass rail along the bar, limited range of warm beers that were predominantly bitter and included something called “mild”, and the only food offering was pork scratchings.

Nowadays pubs come in a wide spectrum, from the old man boozer to the soft play family carvery. Most pubs serve food of some description. But every now and then you find a pub that is genuinely fancy.

How fancy? Well, now you can find out by scoring your pub against this helpful checklist.

  • Guest ale on tap: 1 point
  • Guest gin with home-made marketing display on the bar: 2 points
  • Man at bar is wearing a gilet and has an extremely large dog asleep at his feet: 1 point
  • Dog snacks on the bar are in a stylish glass jar: 1 point
  • Separate “restaurant area” for dining, though you can also eat in the bar if you want: 1 point
  • “Please wait to be seated” sign in dining area: 2 points
  • Separate menu for Sunday lunch: 1 point
  • Separate menu for dogs: 2 points
  • Exposed wooden beams: 1 point
  • Exposed wooden beams that are actually structural and may be grade II listed: 2 points
  • Table service for diners: 1 point
  • Table service where the waitress is an actual waitress and not one of the bar staff: 2 points
  • Made-to-order bar snacks available: 1 point
  • Made-to-order bar snacks feature miniature fish and chips served in one of those fake mesh buckets as though it’s just been lifted out of a deep fat fryer: 2 points
  • Made-to-order bar snack menu features n’duja, olive tapenade and padrón peppers: 3 points
  • Men’s toilets do not smell of urinal cakes: 1 point
  • Men’s toilets look clean: 2 points
  • Men’s toilets actually are clean: 3 points
  • Men’s toilets have hand lotion in little squirty bottles by the sink: 5 points

Avatar YouTube Promo 2

Hey guys, Face Uncle back to rock your world.

There was a pretty heated debate in the Discord channel about a week or so ago. I love it when you get passionate about things, guys, and I support everything you say 100%.

It inspired me to get productive.

Here’s a little teaser for my new video coming to you LIVE and FRESH at 4.00pm on Friday. Every Friday.

I dared myself to eat as much cornflakes as possible. It was pretty insane, guys, because you never know what’s gonna happen next! I hope you’ll turn up to find out.

Don’t forget to like, comment and subscribe!

Avatar Are you sure about that?

Picture the scene.

It’s the year 2034. The future is finally here. All those exciting opportunities you’ve been waiting for are finally at your fingertips.

You’ve decided that now is the time to open that restaurant of your own you’ve been dreaming of. Years of working in menial jobs for awful bosses. You’ve saved some money, not enough to buy a business but for a deposit to convince the bank to loan you the rest to get you started.

You scout out a great location in and up and coming area. Plenty of footfall to ensure a healthy turn out in that first shaky year or two. Once the word gets out though you know you’ll have to turn people away, you’ll be that popular. You’ve got a killer menu lined up, stuff that people have never considered before, and you’ve also got the talent to back it up.

Everything is in place. Now, all you need is a memorable name to seal the deal in a wigwam.

Avatar YouTube promo

Hey guys, Face Uncle back to rock your world.

I’ve been trying out some new things on my channel, based on comments and questions from YOU in the discord. They’re some pretty wild ideas and I’m all for it.

Here’s a little teaser for my upcoming video, which will be uploaded at the usual time of 4.00pm on Friday. Every Friday.

I’ve really gone through the looking glass here, guys, and I’m hoping you’ll join me for the ride.

There’ll also be some YouTube shorts showing all my usual outtakes and there are TONS so be sure to keep an eye out for these.

Don’t forget to like, comment and subscribe!

Avatar Jazzy Christmas

When you think of Christmas what immediately comes to mind? Decorations? Presents? Singing carols on the doorstops of strangers for fun to bring back the festive cheer to everyone?

Yeah, me too.

What doesn’t come to mind is any of this.

When looking for a Christmas tree a few weeks ago, I found these monstrosities dotted around a garden centre.

Why are they all playing the saxophone? Why do they all look like they’ve been drugged at the office Christmas party? When did they all have time to learn how to play an instrument? Why would anyone pay £19.99 for a single saxophone-playing Christmas toy?

I don’t know, but what I do know is that if you’re looking to make your house a little more festive then this is not the way to do it. Once you start mixing jazz and Christmas then you’re staring down the barrel of a Kenny G album.

Avatar The world according to Tad Kensington

I am so busy right about now.

You don’t know how busy I am. I am literally the busiest I’ve ever been. When you two both have jobs and kids then you’ll know how busy one person can be; super busy cubed.

Anyway, I decided to leave all of that behind and go for lunch with my good friend, Tad Kensington. I hadn’t seen him for a while and I required some advice about work. I need to have more of a presence in the office, I need to stand out in a good way for once rather than having all that attention for giving everyone insulting and disgusting nicknames. In my defence, I paid for all those name tags myself, and when HR told me they weren’t going to reimburse me, throwing that table through the window was clearly “justified” despite what the judge said.

Tad Kensington knows a lot about “presence” and making a name for yourself. Over a very brief one hour lunch he gave me enough tidbits to set me up for life. I made a promise that I wouldn’t divulge everything, not just anyone can be Tad Kensington after all, however I don’t think he’d mind me passing on a few pearls of wisdom to those less fortunate.

Let me enlighten you. Let me show you the way:

  1. Eat a banana whilst pissing at a urinal. It shows you have control and that you mean business.
  2. Always keep an inch of coffee in the bottom of your cup and throw it on your rival whenever you see them. Hot or cold, it’s still humiliating.
  3. Business cards are for wimps. Get your details printed on sharks and hand them out. Nobody will forget the guy with business sharks.
  4. If you can’t be the tallest man in the room then be the widest.
  5. Wear another pair of trousers underneath your regular trousers. Nobody will know except you, and that’s where the magic begins.
  6. End every sentence with an ellipsis so no-one can interrupt you.
  7. Set fire to a £5.00 note every day to remind yourself that burning money is stupid.
  8. Ensure you only eat meals with capital letters, and do so loudly.
  9. Ask maintenence to build a fake stud wall in your office so you can amaze people by punching your way through it at the end of the day. That’s a game changer.
  10. If you can’t hear what people are seeing then you’ll never taste it.

I’ve practically guaranteed myself a promotion at work and I can’t wait to hear how you’re all thriving in your respective workplaces based on this guidance.

Also, you’re welcome.