Avatar Beans Christmas Raffle!

Hi all, welcome, welcome. It’s that time, not that time again because we haven’t done it before, but that time! Time for the Beans Christmas Raffle!

And boy do we have a doozy of a 1st Prize for you… One lucky winner will* win Chelmsford!

chelmsford-sign chelmsford-shirehall chelmsford-bridge

That’s right, the City of Chelmsford is the county town of Essex. It is located in the London commuter belt, and is just 32 miles north east of Charing Cross, and, get this, only 22 miles from Colchester! Once you win this fabulous new city, you will be in charge of a population of approximately 110,000! Think of what you could do with that.

Second prize will* be a Yardley Tac Set from Boots.

Third Prize is** a tin of Pinapple chunks!

Ooooooooooooh! Exciting isn’t it. 10 Tickets are yours for only £10.10 send you money now to:

Beans Christmas Raffle
Pouring Beans Estate
The Internet
PC1 1PC

 

* won’t
** isn’t

Avatar The Beans Baby Boutique

UPDATE: The Cow Illuminator has now sold out. Further stock is expected within the following month but keep an eye on our updates and more information will be posted in due course.

Now, babies eh? They’re all over the place; literally. They are literally all over the place because there’s so many of them. They don’t know what they’re doing, so they expect YOU to be able to work it out for them. Most people think babies are just plain lazy and there is some truth to that statement. Still, you can’t expect them to know great fashion when they see it. That’s why they come to you and that’s why you come to us.

Here on the Beans Shopping Network we have a very limited run of exclusive baby items from the new ‘Kevindo Menendez’ baby line. The Menendez name has been bandied about quite a lot over the last twelve months. In fact, you can barely walk along the high street without seeing his face on a magazine or his viso/volto build into an impressive horticultural montage. Kevindo is such a recluse that many have questioned his very existence. We here at the Beans Shopping Network are therefore here to prove that he is very much a real person by offering you the chance to purchase some magnificent infant merchandise created using his inspirational drawings.

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Not only do we have babygrows but we also have blankets and bags with those classic Menendez illustrations you instantly think of when someone mentions his name.  You can be the envy of all your friends and enemies when you start flashing around these sweet babies. What is Shoshana in accounting going to think when she sees you swinging your brand new Penguin (TM) tote bag? How will Mitch, who walks your dog on a Wednesday, contain himself when he catches a glimpse of tiny babygrows adorned with the Crab (TM) visage? I’m not going to put words in your mouth but I can imagine that they will be cacking something into their newly washed undergarments.

These are in such small supply that there’s a very good chance that before you’ve finished reading this article that we will have sold out. So don’t delay, pick up that phone and order fourteen as soon as you can.

Next, would you like an extra three arms? With Chanton Blemishes’ new invention, there’s a slim chance you may…

Avatar Uppy – The Aerodynamic Dog

Hey YOU! Yes, YOU! Look at all that money just hiding in your wallet and / or purse. It’s wasting away there. What you’re looking for is a unique investment opportunity and that’s exactly what we’ve got for YOU right here on the Beans Shopping Network.

Dogs eh? Wonderful animals. Darling little creatures but gosh darn it don’t they get under your feet and in your way so much. How many times have you accidentally stood on a dachsund’s paw? How many times have you kneed a bulldog in the face because you didn’t know it was there? What you need then is Uppy the Aerodynamic Dog.

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Uppy is quintessentially the most amazing product you will see for the rest of the year. Our top scientists have engineered a series of dogs that have the ability to float in the air. This allows them to occupy the space you don’t need and will never occupy, making scenes involving your foot and their body a thing of the past.

There are so many benefits for both you and your Uppy dog. No longer will you trip over them whilst making spaghetti bolognaise; gently push Uppy out of the way and he will float away unharmed. No more will they tear your sofa and shoes to pieces; Uppy dogs have no concerns for matters on the floor, they’ve got things to do in the air. Do your kids have an irrational fear of birds? Not anymore they don’t, not once Uppy unleashes some chunky justice on their sorry feathery asses.

Each Uppy will come with their own stylish set of treats, beats and designer meats. Everything you need to get Uppy up and running will be included in the pack.

What are you waiting for? Invest now and receive a free Uppy napkin and empty milk bottle set.

Next Christmas every child will want an Uppy. Get in while you can. Guaranteed returns of some pounds.

Next on the Beans Shopping Network, a lovely way to illuminate cows…

Avatar Christmas inventory

It’s the end of Christmas now, and there’s no more Christmas left to be handed out, so it’s time to count up and see what this year’s season has poured into my jug.

Clothing

  • Ten socks
  • Brown and yellow checked shirt
  • Mr Bowie t-shirt

Confectionery

  • 500g slab of chocolate
  • bag of hilarious chocolate “sprouts”
  • Box of generic Sainsbury’s assorted chocolates

Kitchenware

  • Small saucepan
  • Camembert baking dish
  • Carrot peeler in the shape of a giant pencil sharpener

Books

  • XKCD book
  • Road Signs history book
  • Something regrettable by Su Pollard

A reasonably good haul, all things considered. Well done everyone. Let’s raise a glass to Santa.

Avatar Lost treasures

I’ve been having a clear out this weekend and I found this 20-year-old NOW album:

Now 1994

Nearly 20 years ago I got it for Christmas, along with an Alba mini hi-fi system that had a tape deck, CD player and AM/FM radio. Those were the days. Here’s a selection of the great hits from this double-tape compilation:

  • Ace of Base – I Saw the Sign
  • Whigfield – Saturday Night
  • Corona – Rhythm of the Night
  • D:Ream – Things Can Only Get Better
  • East 17 – It’s Alright (The Guvnor Mix)
  • Aswad – Shine
  • Reel 2 Real – I Like To Move It
  • Doop – Doop

Unfortunately when I opened the box, tape 2 was missing, so while you can still listen to Come Baby Come by K7 and Swamp Thing by the Grid, everything that was on the second tape – from Searching by China Black to The Perfect Year by Dina Carroll to Return to Innocence by Enigma – is now gone.

But we all know that tape 1 side 1 was always the best part of the album and the rest was mostly tracks you’d skip.

Avatar Words I Hate, Part 4

Words are the foundation of our language, the tools of our communication. As well as being useful to us, they can also be beautiful: the sounds they make and the feelings they evoke are all a fundamental part of the experience of human interaction.

Not all words are like this. Some words are stupid. Like this one.

Tinsel

I like Christmas. I like it an awful lot. I like presents and Christmas dinner and having a tree in the house. Given the warm, pleasant weather we’ve been having lately, with the sun high in the sky and the gentle breeze just keeping it cool enough to go out and enjoy yourself (or, conversely, to stay in and suffer sun guilt), my thoughts have naturally been turning to Christmas lately, and all these things I like about it.

I even like the shiny spangly ropes of gaudy plastic frill that get draped everywhere. I just hate their name. Tinsel. Written down it’s fine, but said out loud it has an unfortunate pairing of a T and an S that give the whole word the irritating sound of someone whispering nearby, or possibly a high-pitched whistling noise made by air escaping from a perished rubber seal on the back of an old fridge. For example. That’s not Christmassy at all. That’s just stupid. And that’s why we need to rename this delightful substance to something better. My suggestion is “spanglestrands”, a word that describes the article in question without making me want to scratch my ears. Perfect.