Last year, my flatmate Steve Stevingtons left his job.
“You’re crazy!”, I told him. “It’ll never work!”
Steve Stevingtons simply smiled to himself, an enigmatic look in his eye. My protests – delivered at full volume and more or less constantly whenever he was in earshot over the ensuing months – never seemed to sway him. “There’s no life out there!” I’d shout. “You’ll starve! You’ll waste away to nothing! You’ll end up on the streets!”
Steve would just shake his head, and go back to tending the little plants in his window box.
I was a fool, of course, but I didn’t know it back then. I should have guessed. Steve Stevingtons had a plan. Since that first day, and continuously soundtracked by my heckles and shouts from the other end of the flat, he’s crafted himself a business empire.
Now the whole world is chowing down on Steve’s Leaves. We’re all getting our fix of roughage and wholesome nutrients from Steve Stevingtons. His commercial dominance is starting to rival that of Big Frank. And believe me, I will never doubt him again.
I’m not quite sure what the marketing team at Mars had in mind for this one….
I can only assume from this packet of m&m’s eggs that Yellow m&m and Pink m&m Egg were love rivals for the affections of Green m&m Egg, and that for some reason Yellow has seen fit to slaughter Pink splattering himself and Green in the blood of his rival.
Do you think they picked up on the start of the Easter story, the bit where Jesus gets killed, and not bothered reading on to get to the more traditional ‘re-birth’ bit?
If you ask the question About what is the best one, The bakery transcendent, The cakery resplendent: I answer it with ease, take Away your silly cheesecake. Gingerbread and Eccles Will meet only with my heckles; Pineapple upside-down Meet the deepest darkest frown. You will find I have no time For fondant fancy or key lime; Though partial to a parkin, There is only one worth markin’. I tip my hat as witness To the cake with all the citrus: Lemon drizzle cake Is the shizzle cake, The finest there is, Lemon driz Is the biz.
Around this time of year a lot of people get nostalgic. They remember years gone by, people who have left us and happy memories sitting next to your toxic gas fire, using the flames to make toast, rather than getting up and using the grill, like the little fat bastard you are (or I was).
Whilst I was rummaging around in some old papers I came across this little gem:
A single tear flew from my eyelid and hit the ground, no doubt causing a tsunami half a world away.
Pots Tatoas were my very convoluted and confusing way of asking Chris if he wanted to get a baked potato for lunch way, way, way back in the dim and distant past when we both worked in Leeds city centre.
Sadly we all missed Pots Tatoas Day this year but I hope that everyone puts it in their diary so we can rally round and stoke the oven (?) in time to enjoy its merits next year.
Christmas is over and we’ve all eaten a bit too much. Too many roast potatoes*. Too many chocolates. Too much cake.
What you need is something healthy. Something full of nutrition. Something light and fresh. And thankfully, I have just the thing. Presenting the Pouring Beans 2018 Burger and Salad Special, a meal that superficially looks like burger and chips but which cunningly includes a generous helping of lush, healthy greenery. Enjoy!
* I’m being silly, of course. There is no such thing as too many roast potatoes.
Things are complicated now, aren’t they? There’s a lot going on.
I can’t fix that, but I can give you a ninety second holiday from all the complicated stuff in the world of 2018 by taking you back in time to 2012, an innocent age when anything seemed possible, and three handsome young men asked themselves the question: why should a man only be able to drink one cup of tea at once?
OK. That’s all there is. Now get back to your stupid complicated life.
“I demand a third water, beyond simply still or fizzy. Something else. Creamy water, maybe, or extra dry water. Something like that.”
… is what they said. Never let it be said that here at Pouringbeans we don’t give the people what they want. We do, we always do, and we give them it in spades. SPADES!
Without any more fuss, let me present to you, straight from the ever-busy laboratories of Kevindo Menendez…
In an interview with New Scientist, Menendnez said:
Antimatter Water was been produced at great expense to satisfy the urges of one egocentric numpty. However in the process we created something beautiful. Its impossible to drink, and if you mix it with normal water, they both disappear, so NEVER do that. EVER. It could cause some unknown science stuff… probably.
The article goes on to state that “In 1999, NASA gave a figure of $62.5 trillion per gram of antihydrogen” so we can only gasp in awe at the sheer cost of the singular glass of Antimatter Water that Menendez managed to create.
The glass of impossibly expensive anti-water will be presented to a Mr. C. Marshall, along side a selection of budget waters from Aldi, at an upcoming meeting to discuss the ludicrous installation of additional eyes to Mr. Marshall’s face.