Category: Words

Avatar 29 Cats

lots-of-cats-in-a-tree129 Cats
Were sitting in a tree
Spread out on the branches
Drinking cups of tea

One little cat
Had enough to drink
Climbed up to the top
And had a little think

That little cat
Decided he should wee
But was very lazy
So did it in the tree

28 other cats
Sat lower in the tree
Now all wet and pissy
Decided they should flee

One lonely cat
Relieved but now alone
Sat atop his lonely tree
Reading Twitter on his phone

Avatar Dear Beans… My Sink Shambles

Dear Beans,

I have a problem I need your assistance with.

Recently I went through a series of unfortunate circumstances in my bathroom (wa-hey (what?!)) which warranted a few posts, an award-winning film starring Robert Downey Jr and a nationwide book tour which culminated in worldwide fame and acclaim. Since then, well, I have tried to duplicate the dizzy heights of ‘Tap Saga’ but no matter what I do it’s just not the same.

I mean how can you replicate the thrill of smashing a sink with your own bare hands then spending months trying to find a replacement only for it to turn up smashed courtesy of Parcelforce? How can you hope to rustle up the same raw emotion as super gluing yourself to a sink for good merit? What kind of activity can deliver wanton exasperation on the same level as countless trips to B & Q because I had forgotten to purchase the correct pipes?

It’s a pointless exercise. During the day I find myself drawn towards the idea of breaking someone else’s bathroom suite. When I walk into the toilets at work I have to stop myself from smashing the carefully crafted porcelain shapes and bowls with a makeshift claw hammer, put together using (I don’t know, what do IT people use to make stuff, ummm, microchips, yeah, that’s believable, nifty!) microchips and circuit boards. Even now writing this letter I’m developing a cold sweat knowing the wash basin next door is fully-functional yet all it would take is one swift kick to the ajax and it would come tumbling down.

Please offer your advice in a thrilling manner.

Kind Regards

Kevin “Kevindo Menendez” Hill

Avatar Choose Your Own Adventure – Bean’s Edition

You awake in a large room. You don’t have a pillow under your neck so it has that stiff feeling that takes a couple of hours to disappear.

There is nobody else in the room except you and a large red button on a table in the middle. With no idea where you are nor what you are doing there you have no choice but to press the red button.

In doing so a loud voice begins to talk through the small hatch in the ceiling. Yes, it’s a small hatch: “GOOD MORNING ADVENTURER. YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN TO EMBARK ON A MIGHTY QUEST, THE DETAILS OF WHICH WILL BE EXPLAINED SHORTLY BUT FIRST… YOU MUST CHOOSE YOUR COMPANION…”

The wall immediately in front of you reveals four separate containers containing four separate people. You walk forward to look closer at the individuals and are shocked and surprised to see:

1. Jimmy Somerville circa 1986 – ‘Don’t Leave Me This Way’ has just reached number 1 in the charts so he is giddy as a kipper. He is clutching a signed photo of Sarah Jane Morris and holds a portable microphone in his belt.

2. Patrick Stewart – dressed as Danger Mouse. Whilst he may not have the same prowess he commands on the stage he can still kick yo ass if you cross his path. He has a mace covered in blood strapped to his back.

3. Glenn Hoddle’s mullet – fresh off the back of his thrilling football career in Tottenham Hotspur and his number 12 hit with Chris Waddle, this mullet has seen more action than a revolving door. It’s nicely permed at the top and smells minty fresh.

4. Blossom – not the actress Mayim Bialik but the character ‘Blossom’ from the 90’s TV series ‘Blossom’ about some girl called ‘Blossom’. She’s a teenager so she’s concerned more about boys and, I dunno, spots but she’s also got a ton of brains and can offer you fashions tips.

You can only choose one; which companion do you choose?

Avatar What’s missing?

Due to the massive popularity of “guess who’s back?” I’m back again with a new game… What’s missing?

 

This time I have a riddle for you:

My first is in the, but not in book

My second’s in the, but not in book

My third is in the, but not in book.

My fourth is in book, but not in the.

My fifth is in book, but not in the.

My sixth is in book, but not in the.

My last is in book, but not in the.

 

What’s missing?

Avatar New words added to dictionary

Every year we see in the news the list of the latest words that have been officially added to the Oxford English Dictionary. 2015 is no different, and in the last few days it’s been announced that the following all-too-familiar slang terms have finally made it into the English language.

sixwide (adj.)
Indicative of something which is not favoured or fashionable. Derived from the fact that Lego vehicles four studs wide are inherently better than those that are six studs wide. sixwider; sixwidest; sixwiddity. Opp: fourwide.

minwah (n.)
A unit of time equal to one earth minute.

totoro (adj.)
Descriptive of a state of completion or finality. When something is completely over and the matter is closed, it is totoro. Originally a contraction of the familiar phrase totally totally Romeo which is self-explanatory.

ramp (v.)
To copulate; to sex; to sire; to tup. Ramping refers to the most intimate act between two creatures and is usually employed to refer to the act being conducted either between animals or in the manner of animals. Generally any successful act is referred to as ramping [sthg] dry, e.g. “I totally ramped the hockey team dry”.