Hello there. Chris here, from the chart-topping band The Papples. Thanks for joining me.
Years ago, when we were hard at work writing and recording songs for our third album, Pop Squared, we made a start on a song about the lead singer of Norwegian pop sensation A-Ha that never saw the light of day.
Well, lucky for you, every dog has his day, and every tired old half-baked Papples idea has its day too. I can now present to you the finished lyrics to a lost classic: “Everybody Fancies Morten Harket”.
You know what’s wrong with board games these days? They’re not tough enough. Whilst they are entertaining and enjoyable, informative and fun, maddening and frustrating at times there is nothing about them that gives the impression of tough.
Courtesy of my toxic masculinity, I have come with a new take on an existing idea that will blow all you soft willows out of the water and into the gutters. It will remove your eyes and replace them with hot coals of pain.
‘Snakes and Lads’ follows the same basic formula as its predecessor, ‘Snakes and Ladders’; you have a board with one hundred squares and the object is to get from the bottom to the top first.
You play as Tony, a right hard lad who whilst out drinking with his mates decides that they should place a little wager on who can get to the kebab shop first. His best mate, Tony, who has been sh*t-faced since 7pm is of course well up for this. His cousin, Tony, never says no to a bet and the same goes for Tony, Tony and his dad, Tony (I should mention that you don’t necessarily need six players in total but it does help).
So, as one of the Tonys, you wander through the streets trying to get to the kebab shop. If you land on a snake, you strangle it like the piece of savage meat you are. This however does mean that the time you spend boshing that sod into the next week causes you to fall behind and you go back down to the corresponding square below. If you land on a lad, you go right in for a fight with that sucker. You roll the dice and if you get an even number, you smash ‘im down. If you happen to roll an odd number he gets in a cheeky punch and you stay where you are.
The first to reach ‘The Quilted Slosh’ gets to call all the other players whoopsies and collects a tenner from each of them.
Extra points for those who sit on a steak whilst playing and eat a whole bag of sugar all at the same time.
I have never been more convinced of my genius until this idea.
Years ago, when Kev and Ian started the podcast, they tried to come up with a name for it. That was, I think, what the whole first episode was about, though they only succeeded in naming the episode “Your Mum Loves a Sexy Pony”, and since then the podcast itself has always just gone by the decidedly provisional name “Episodes”.
I decided, therefore, to take it upon myself to fix this, and have consulted the internet for advice.
The website Business Name Generator has a helpful tool where you can type in some words to do with your podcast and it suggests great podcast names you could use. Here are some of the ideas it came up with.
Beans Millennium
Beans Battleborn (what?)
Beansgenix
Beans Pros Only
Beansque
That website is self-evidently awful, so I looked elsewhere. Another website, called CopyWritingCourse, has a different generator that asks what your podcast is about and then what your name is. I told it our name is Beans and the podcast is about Pouring. Here are some much better ideas.
Horsing Around with Beans
The Beans Taco
True Pouring Stories
Real Time With Beans
A Breath of Fresh Pouring
Generation Beans
The Pouring Dream
The Beans Perspective
That website is better, but still leaves something to be desired. Finally, in desperation, I turned to WorthStart, who have just posted a list of several hundred podcast name ideas. I scrolled past “Girl Podcast Names” and “Football Podcast Names” to see what they suggested for funny podcasts. Here’s the pick of their suggestions.
True Story Bro
Young Billionaire
Berry Blue Beauty
D’Artagnan
Defiant Princess
Deluxe Dream
All of this is a long way around to tell you that, having investigated all the available options, “Episodes” appears to be the least terrible name for our podcast. So, unless you particularly like the name “Deluxe Dream”, that’s settled. Thank you.
It occurred to me the other day, when Kev trademarked the name “Metal Horse™”, that we’ve trademarked quite a few terms over the years, and the terms that make up our intellectual property must now be quite substantial.
I have, therefore, conducted several exhausting days* of research to discover just how wide-ranging our various trademarks are, and I can present the results to you now for the first time. So here are all of the Pouring Beans trademarked terms, every last one, in chronological order.
Controversial prime minister candidate in waiting and all round news buffoon Tub Barsley is causing further commotion down the food chain with his unusual and somewhat illegal approach to affordable housing in the UK.
Even though his constituency is based in the South of England, around the corner from Canterbury, his recently-drawn up plans are for a number of flats and houses in the North-East. It appears as though the urgency for finding new land to build properties on has caused builders and politicians to think outside the box. That said, even Local Authorities are questioning Mr Barsley’s proposed underground scheme.
“I really don’t see what the problem is,” blustered Tub Barsley in a press conference on Monday. “My good friend Church Bollywoggan, the conservative MP for North Tyneside, asked me for help with the issue of housing “up there” and it made perfect sense that if there is no land to build on the surface then the only solution is to go down there. Think about it; you’re closer to the earth’s core therefore it’ll be warmer and the heating bills will be less. The sewerage smells can always be masked by Glade plug-ins. I am one hundred per cent behind this; I think it’s the best idea I’ve ever had.”
Mr Barsley, whilst clearly completely off his rocker, clearly has not taken into account the health and safety aspect of building flats in the centuries old sewer system of England. In addition to how the Council would be able to keep these clean enough for people to live in, there is also the complications of rat infestations and the prospect of walking out in the morning to find a turd floating past your front door. These points were further pressed on Mr Barsley.
“As with any housing project there will be quandaries that need to be overcome. I am merely the muse, the idea manager who wants this cherished flower to bloom so that those people who need a place to stay have somewhere that is in the area they already live and, ultimately, is affordable within their limited income,” said Tub Barsley, owner of three houses in London, two ostentatious holiday cabins in Devon and a luxurious flat over in the South of France.
When asked the last time it was that Mr Barsley visited the North-East of England, he remarked that he had seen it on a map “within the last few years”.
For a while now I’ve been looking for my next big business idea that will expand my already substantial entrepreneurial portfolio and take me to the next level. I’m ready to be the next Jeff Bezos and I think I’ve come up with the product that’s going to get me there.
Now, excitingly for you, I’m offering you the once in a lifetime opportunity to get in on the ground floor with the biggest idea of the century. Throw your cold, hard cash my way and reap the benefits. No more work for you. Once this idea takes off the hardest you’ll ever have to work is when you decide which of your tropical beachfront homes you’ll visit next week. Will it be Bermuda or the Seychelles? Goa or Bridlington? The choice, and the gold-plated superyacht, will be yours.
Here’s the pitch. Brace yourself.
What’s big right now? What is everyone into? The internet.
Where are people spending their money? What’s right on the fashions? Internet-enabled objects.
But everything’s on the internet now. Cars, fridges, electric toothbrushes. What part of your life hasn’t been connected to the internet yet?
Easy. Grass.
Grass: worthless without Bluetooth connectivity
Introducing iGrass™, the internet-enabled lawn.
Webcams are embedded in your lawn, equipped for 4K video streaming and with nightvision capabilities
Microphones at soil level capture every glorious rustle and every growing blade
IntelliPoke™ probes infiltrate the underlying strata of leafmould, mulch and root systems to provide real-time feedback on moisture levels, nutrient balance and worm density
These key technologies connect to the iGrass HD app (available for iOS and Android) via Bluetooth, allowing you to monitor your lawn in real time, from wherever you are, and receive automatic push notifications whenever an unwanted weed takes root or a cat has a wee nearby. You can also share pictures, beautiful data infographics and animated GIFs of your digital grass on social media straight out of the app.
Everything is better once it’s connected to the internet and if your frankly mediocre lawn is ever going to turn into something you can be proud of you need to get it online pronto. iGrass™ is the product to help you do it.
Convinced? Of course you are. Quick, chuck me your life savings. You won’t regret it.
