Avatar Newsboost – Cowvertising Takes Off

Advertising is absolutely everywhere. As you walk the streets hugh billboards dwarf entire cities from miles above. Television and the internet are littered with everything from pop-ups to articles to infomercials and back again to that period ITV needs to rake some cash in between showing a repeat of a Bond film. Just when you thought there was no room left for innovation in the advertising industry, a young farmer from the Lake District takes a spin and leaves modern life trailing behind.

Steven Pouterson works on the ‘Little Hooves’ farm close to Grasmere. He initially got frustrated that a lot of the animals were not fulfilling their potential on the farm and that only having one or two jobs was not enough. His work lasted all day yet they “phoned it in” during the morning and sat around doing nothing else. The worst offenders? Cows, as Steven explains. “There’s nothing there. You can wave your hands in front of their faces and they barely react. They are natures concrete bollards or something equally stationary. It then occurred to me that perhaps there was some way of making money from their laziness.”

Indeed, there is very little money to be made from laziness yet Steven managed to turn a very negative into a super positive.

“Do you know how many people visited the Lake District last year? Around 14.8 million. Do you know how many of them probably saw a cow in a field? All of them. They’re bloody everywhere. So it made sense to use the cows as living, breathing billboards. They have that large expanse of flesh on the side that it just ripe for logos and slogans.”

Since signing some deals with local businesses at the end of 2013, Steven’s “cowvertising” has taken leaps and bounds. Several major brands are looking into using his animals to advertise their products across the Lake District. Given that he has currently over three hundred cows to his name, he is looking at a tidy slice of revenue by the end of 2014. “There’s nothing cruel about it. We hang loose-fitting tabards on the side and the cows do the rest of the work. They’re visible for miles. I mean if you saw a cow with the ‘Dominos Pizza’ logo adorned on it, you would sit up and take notice.”

Several other farm animals have been seen to take an interest in the field. “Horsin’ Around”, a stable over in nearby Patterdale, is considering a similar move into animal advertising. They would have to take into consideration the smaller workspace of the horse’s stomach. Sheep in the area have been quoted as having, “major reservations” about the entire process but refused to offer an official statement.

Avatar The manliest night of my life

A couple of weeks ago I had a whole new experience. Ian, long-haired co-conspirator here on the Beans, accompanied me to a pub where football was showing. Together we drank beer and looked at a small part of the TV screen that was visible where we were sitting, and talked about football and women. At times we said swear words. It was easily the manliest thing I’ve ever done.

After we left the pub, we accidentally sat on some slugs on a wet bench and recorded a moving musical tribute to the missing third member of The Beans.

Here it is, in full.

Avatar Happy Death Day, Mr R. Brek!

It was exactly four years ago that a very good friend of mine died.

Not a lot happened on 24 June 2010, at least for the rest of the world. It was a Thursday. Apparently in some minor tennis tournament some guy beat some other guy in a really long match. Does anyone remember it though? Of course not. It is confined to the annals of history.

What unraveled for me though was the beginning of something special. In life Mr R Brek was, in all honesty, disgusting. A colleague at work had passed me him because they didn’t want him anymore and thought I would prefer his company. So in order to not waste him and his good name I knocked up a batch. It tasted akin to the material they line hamster cages with. I’ve sampled better food off the bathroom floor. One bowl was enough to put me off for the rest of my life.

Sometimes good things come out of bad things though. In life he could bring no joy but shortly afterwards we became great friends. He sat on my desk, smiling away without a care in the world, ready to lift my spirits whenever times were hardest. If there was a joke to be made he was the first to make it. It seemed appropriate to place a ‘Parental Advisory Explicit Content’ sticker on his face given how risque and daring he could be at times. When I changed jobs I brought him home to carry on the good vibes, besides not everyone appreciated his particular brand of humour. It made sense to put his feet up and enjoy life a little.

When I first gave him the idea of a ‘Newsboost’ Twitter feed he scoffed and threw apples at my flat cap, however eventually he came around to my way of thinking. It was at his instance, and his enthusiasm, that I gave him the ‘entertainment’ side wherein he flourished in a manner I would not have imagined four years ago.

So here we are, in 2014, still knocking around like a couple of twenty year olds. I wish him all the best on this day of days and trust that you will all raise a glass in his honour.

Ladies and Gentlemen, to the memory of Mr R. Brek who gave more in death than he ever did in life.

Avatar Ode to a Broken Spoon

Some months ago, while stirring a particularly stiff risotto – which, really, needed more liquid as it was far too solid in that state – I applied too much pressure and snapped the wooden spoon in half.

It’s only now, with the passage of time, that I feel able to begin to come to terms with this tragic event and to put some of my feelings into words.

I have now written a poem about this incident. I’m sure you understand how difficult this is for me and I’d be incredibly grateful to have your support.

Broken wooden spoon

Wooden spoon, wooden spoon
Hardwood utensil
For my cookery a boon
In rice-filled pan
You tried your best
But perished when you faced the test

Your shaft bore the scars
Of previous mistreatment
Of singes and overheating
At my behest

I feel
I regret
I cry
To the moon
For you
For you
My spoon

Avatar Words I Hate, Part 4

Words are the foundation of our language, the tools of our communication. As well as being useful to us, they can also be beautiful: the sounds they make and the feelings they evoke are all a fundamental part of the experience of human interaction.

Not all words are like this. Some words are stupid. Like this one.

Tinsel

I like Christmas. I like it an awful lot. I like presents and Christmas dinner and having a tree in the house. Given the warm, pleasant weather we’ve been having lately, with the sun high in the sky and the gentle breeze just keeping it cool enough to go out and enjoy yourself (or, conversely, to stay in and suffer sun guilt), my thoughts have naturally been turning to Christmas lately, and all these things I like about it.

I even like the shiny spangly ropes of gaudy plastic frill that get draped everywhere. I just hate their name. Tinsel. Written down it’s fine, but said out loud it has an unfortunate pairing of a T and an S that give the whole word the irritating sound of someone whispering nearby, or possibly a high-pitched whistling noise made by air escaping from a perished rubber seal on the back of an old fridge. For example. That’s not Christmassy at all. That’s just stupid. And that’s why we need to rename this delightful substance to something better. My suggestion is “spanglestrands”, a word that describes the article in question without making me want to scratch my ears. Perfect.