Category: Kev

Avatar Congratulations! It’s an orb!

Pregnancy, eh? What’s all that about?

I mean we all know what it is about, don’t we? Humans making more humans to fill the spaces that other humans have left. It’s the great circle of life, the wheel of fortune. If we didn’t make more humans, who would sit in all those prams? Who would use them nappies? And, heavens above, who would leave all those tiny Lego pieces on the floor for you to stand on them and wish you didn’t have legs?

Kevin has the luxury of having one tiny chilblain with another on the way. But does he? Research taken earlier today by Professor Reuben does now suggest that Kev and his lovely wife Sarah may just be on the verge of having an orb instead of a human baby. The most recent scan taken by, pft, “doctors” shows a much rounder form than previously anticipated. The subject, Mrs S Hill, has a very orbular shape around the stomach and wombular areas. When I gently placed my hand on top of the orb it kicked, then it hummed and then my palm felt warm. Orbs are known for emitting both humming noises and warmth.

This came as quite a shock to the both of them. Myself and Professor Reuben set out the facts as we saw them in graphic detail, which involved several large sketch pads, a teatowel, three inhaler cups (thanks, Kev) and a dozen bottles of mayonnaise. Within mere minutes both of them were crying with what could only have been joy. Yes, it did mean ruining the surprise of rolling out a glowing orb on the big day although we believe it was for the best. Society has not come far enough to embrace the orbs and welcome them into the playground, the classroom and, most upsetting of all, into our hearts. 

What does that mean for the prospective parents? What do they have in store if they will be caring for an orb instead of a baby? In the interests of stretching out one very basic idea into several posts I have decided to extend this simple premise into a few separate articles of writing. I mean, why not? It’s the flavour of the month. Tune in next time for tips on how to look after their and maybe even your orb.

Avatar Tributes and Insults – Kevin Hill

Here’s a little something to wet your appetite for more of the same. Look at this:

Frightening, isn’t it? Most people would agree that this particular image of Kevin is both striking and unappealing. It would be fair to say that using such a picture constitutes a mean act. I would therefore like to counter that comment with my own tribute to the man.

I have known Mr Chang, as he is known to some people, since I was about 12 years old so I believe that I know him well enough to talk down to him. Some people call it “trash talk”, when you belittle or ridicule another person to embarrass or humiliate them. Kevin is a ruthless thug who has wrapped me up in a carpet on no less than a dozen occasions and then thrown, or had his goons throw, me off a bridge. He once smashed my door in when I was at work, used all the mayonnaise and then didn’t recycle the glass jar. Kevin has been known to fart in padded envelopes and then send it to people we know with my return address on it. His despicable behaviour knows no bounds.

I would be lying through my elbows if I said that he has driven many miles to come and save my sorry ass before. I would be fibbing between the gaps in my teeth if I dared to mention that he has probably tolerated more nonsense coming out of my mouth, and been witness to unspeakable acts of insanity, than anyone within my close circle of friends, and yet still wants to stay in touch. I would be “kissing the kitten of fabrication” if I tried to compliment him on being the all round good egg that everyone knows he is. And don’t even get me fucking started on his lovely wife and adorable child.

The shit.

Avatar Imposter!

These are sad, sad, dark times.

Now we are all partial to a little Smidge Manly impression every now and then. In fact as soon as anyone utters the word, “Right…” I am quick to repeat the same in my head using that voice. It’s now an impulse reaction; it happens no matter what I do. If you want to land smack dab right in the middle of Smidge territory you reach for a solitary, “Right…” and it will send you straight there.

A couple of years ago I managed to unearth an advert over in Europe where Smidge was being illegally used to sell ‘Coco Loco’ (see HERE with your seeing eyes). Following a class action lawsuit, justice was served and the ads were promptly removed through the actions of our legal representative, Nicholas J. Wolfwood (attorney at law). It seems as though this is not the only improper use of our hero floating through the cosmos.

Photos have recently emerged of a Smidge Manly double roaming the streets of Sunderland, Tyne and Wear. I set my “team” the task of doing the ground work to try and flush out this charlatan. A tip was received earlier on this week and we set the biz league into focus (what?). I myself tried to apprehend the culprit but he managed to run away and out the door before my tiny hands caught him. Had I not had to remove from trousers, which were caught on the door handle of a badly-positioned meat factory, I would have smashed the fiend.

Each and every double Smidge walking the streets is taking money from the mouth of Mr Manly. Rather than include actual physical evidence I have instead included a drawing of the imposter literally stealing food from Smidge. Literally. I cannot stress the proper use of that word enough.

Look at how forceful he is. Look at him stealing Smidge’s taco, a food I’m sure he eats on a semi-regular basis. Take a good, hard view of his harsh tone and capital letters of filth. The swine.

If anyone has further information that may be of use to the police or “the team” then do let us know.

Keep watching the skies.

Avatar The Third Kind of Water

The people have spoken and…

“I demand a third water, beyond simply still or fizzy. Something else. Creamy water, maybe, or extra dry water. Something like that.”

… is what they said. Never let it be said that here at Pouringbeans we don’t give the people what they want. We do, we always do, and we give them it in spades. SPADES!

Without any more fuss, let me present to you, straight from the ever-busy laboratories of Kevindo Menendez…

        Antimatter Water

In an interview with New Scientist, Menendnez said:

 Antimatter Water was been produced at great expense to satisfy the urges of one egocentric numpty. However in the process we created something beautiful. Its impossible to drink, and if you mix it with normal water, they both disappear, so NEVER do that. EVER. It could cause some unknown science stuff… probably.

The article goes on to state that “In 1999, NASA gave a figure of $62.5 trillion per gram of antihydrogen” so we can only gasp in awe at the sheer cost of the singular glass of Antimatter Water that Menendez managed to create.

The glass of impossibly expensive anti-water will be presented to a Mr. C. Marshall, along side a selection of budget waters from Aldi, at an upcoming meeting to discuss the ludicrous installation of additional eyes to Mr. Marshall’s face.

Avatar Episode 10: The trouble with wasps

A new episode I hear you exclaim with glee. With an increasingly erratic release schedule, this surprise new episode includes Chris, Ian and Kev rambling incoherently about:

  • Bees vs Wasps
  • Ian’s money management
  • Jams and Chutneys
  • The pickle conundrum.

 

 

Avatar A celebration of the many Kevs

I was rummaging in the extensive Beans Archive today, looking for inspiration, when I stumbled across this post, made ten years ago today. It marks the occasion on which Mr. Kevin Head turned 24 years old. Well, as you can imagine, I immediately got my calculator out, and blow me if that doesn’t mean that today is very likely to be Mr. Kevin Head’s birthday again. He will be older than 24 today, though I’m not entirely sure by how much.

What better day, then, to celebrate our acquaintance with the Beans’ resident DIY expert and master Giant Magical Computer Appeaser, Kevin “Kevindo Menendez” Menendez?

Read More: A celebration of the many Kevs »