Category: Marketable

Avatar Black Sunday

Here at the Beans we are not prepared to jump abroad whatever flashy trashy spur of the moment, king for a day, soup du jour bandwagon everyone else is desperately trying to hoist themselves onto. No. What we stand for is dignity, truth and ultimately originality.

So this gives me great pleasure to unveil a list of special, rare, only available for one moment items on this very blackest of Black Sundays. Feast for eyes on these sweaty mommas:

Lense Catcher

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Such a marvel. What we have here is a stylish plastic container specifically designed to look after your eyes. It oozes desirability and can be filled with water and used to cool your finger tips. This will certainly be the talking point of any fancy dinner or soiree you decide to host. Can also be used as a training potty for very small animals; £499.99.

Bus Pigeon

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The Bus Pigeon, or Le pigeon de l’arrêt de bus as it is sometimes known, is only known to surface one day of the year. It you can catch it then it will bring you good luck and fortune, and it also increases your ability to play both Connect 4 and mini golf. Sleek and modern, a veritable treasure trove of danger and beauty; £999.99.

Street Literature

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This edition of the Argos catalogue is now so rare that only the CEO has a copy. It features a cartoon of all the financial directors laughing at everyone who buys their items full price when they could easily get them from Amazon for a third of the cost. There’s a rumour Bobby Costanzo has a framed copy hovering above his midnight toilet; £4,999.99.

Act now!!

One per person per household per county per country per kingdom.

Avatar The Beans Baby Boutique

UPDATE: The Cow Illuminator has now sold out. Further stock is expected within the following month but keep an eye on our updates and more information will be posted in due course.

Now, babies eh? They’re all over the place; literally. They are literally all over the place because there’s so many of them. They don’t know what they’re doing, so they expect YOU to be able to work it out for them. Most people think babies are just plain lazy and there is some truth to that statement. Still, you can’t expect them to know great fashion when they see it. That’s why they come to you and that’s why you come to us.

Here on the Beans Shopping Network we have a very limited run of exclusive baby items from the new ‘Kevindo Menendez’ baby line. The Menendez name has been bandied about quite a lot over the last twelve months. In fact, you can barely walk along the high street without seeing his face on a magazine or his viso/volto build into an impressive horticultural montage. Kevindo is such a recluse that many have questioned his very existence. We here at the Beans Shopping Network are therefore here to prove that he is very much a real person by offering you the chance to purchase some magnificent infant merchandise created using his inspirational drawings.

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Not only do we have babygrows but we also have blankets and bags with those classic Menendez illustrations you instantly think of when someone mentions his name.  You can be the envy of all your friends and enemies when you start flashing around these sweet babies. What is Shoshana in accounting going to think when she sees you swinging your brand new Penguin (TM) tote bag? How will Mitch, who walks your dog on a Wednesday, contain himself when he catches a glimpse of tiny babygrows adorned with the Crab (TM) visage? I’m not going to put words in your mouth but I can imagine that they will be cacking something into their newly washed undergarments.

These are in such small supply that there’s a very good chance that before you’ve finished reading this article that we will have sold out. So don’t delay, pick up that phone and order fourteen as soon as you can.

Next, would you like an extra three arms? With Chanton Blemishes’ new invention, there’s a slim chance you may…

Avatar Uppy – The Aerodynamic Dog

Hey YOU! Yes, YOU! Look at all that money just hiding in your wallet and / or purse. It’s wasting away there. What you’re looking for is a unique investment opportunity and that’s exactly what we’ve got for YOU right here on the Beans Shopping Network.

Dogs eh? Wonderful animals. Darling little creatures but gosh darn it don’t they get under your feet and in your way so much. How many times have you accidentally stood on a dachsund’s paw? How many times have you kneed a bulldog in the face because you didn’t know it was there? What you need then is Uppy the Aerodynamic Dog.

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Uppy is quintessentially the most amazing product you will see for the rest of the year. Our top scientists have engineered a series of dogs that have the ability to float in the air. This allows them to occupy the space you don’t need and will never occupy, making scenes involving your foot and their body a thing of the past.

There are so many benefits for both you and your Uppy dog. No longer will you trip over them whilst making spaghetti bolognaise; gently push Uppy out of the way and he will float away unharmed. No more will they tear your sofa and shoes to pieces; Uppy dogs have no concerns for matters on the floor, they’ve got things to do in the air. Do your kids have an irrational fear of birds? Not anymore they don’t, not once Uppy unleashes some chunky justice on their sorry feathery asses.

Each Uppy will come with their own stylish set of treats, beats and designer meats. Everything you need to get Uppy up and running will be included in the pack.

What are you waiting for? Invest now and receive a free Uppy napkin and empty milk bottle set.

Next Christmas every child will want an Uppy. Get in while you can. Guaranteed returns of some pounds.

Next on the Beans Shopping Network, a lovely way to illuminate cows…

Avatar The “That’s Not Trevor Eve” Game

There’s not a person alive who doesn’t like Trevor Eve. I mean what is there not to like? He’s been in everything from ‘Murder She Wrote’ to ‘Waking the Dead’ to ‘Ivana Trump’s For Love Alone’ (I must admit that the last one has escaped my attention but Amazon seem to have an alarming number of copies in stock). What does the world need? It needs a game that incorporates the best elements of Trevor Eve. It needs the “That’s Not Trevor Eve” game.

Players

2 to 4

Equipment

A television
A program with Trevor Eve in
Shots (optional)

What To Do

Turn the television on and switch to the channel that the program with Trevor Eve in is on. You must ensure that it is a program that doesn’t just have Trevor Eve, such as his one man stage production of Eve: A Trevor Eve Musical. That won’t work. Whenever someone who isn’t Trevor Eve comes on the screen you must shout, “That’s not Trevor Eve!” as loud as possible. Whenever Trevor Eve comes on the screen you must shout, “That’s Trevor Eve!” at the top of your voice. You may also take a shot after every acknowledgement of Trevor Eve providing you have previously uttered the aforementioned notification.

The game ends when the program ends and Trevor Eve no longer has a chance of popping up on the television. The person who has noticed Trevor Eve the most wins.

Avatar Plopp

As a serious artist, a lot of people question my integrity when it comes to certain projects. Just because I see the world in a different light, from a different angle, does not necessarily mean that my work is any less important than others working in the same field. Art is defined by interpretation; what means “life” to someone may mean “death” or possibly “tin foil” to another. It is an open world environment where anything and everything goes. It is the bag for life, full of life, packed with death.

So when it came to my current ongoing situation I decided to try something a little more obtuse. Of course I was never going to please the mass market, the traditionalists, the modernists, those with eyes. But to them I ask them one question: “when was the last time you witnessed a piece of art that really challenged you both emotionally and subconsciously?”

I give you Plopp. When you look at Plopp you could see a myriad of images. You don’t only look at Plopp though, you feel it deep within your bones. It’s a feeling sweet as a yoghurt-covered lollipop. I’ll say no more though as the scene speaks for itself.

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Avatar Driving Observations

So it’s been about four months since I passed my test and steadily I have gotten used to the bizarre idea of driving around without someone criticising every mistake I make, at least not inside the car. There are several critics in other cars desperate to point out my shortcomings. It has come to my attention though that the five gears of an automobile have their own personalities and it wasn’t until I started driving on my own that my mind could comprehend the uniqueness of each.

It’s only fair then that I compile a list in numerical order:

First Gear (the Angry Gear)

First gear doesn’t like you. It makes this very apparent seconds into driving. It’s loud and shouty and if you don’t stop using it and move into second it’s going to do something VERY BAD to you. So you change up to…

Second Gear (the Confused Gear)

You’ve made it past the short tempered one and into the gear that is never sure whether it should be slow or fast. You try to tempt it one way, not happy. You put your foot down to speed up, not happy. The only way to bring it a shred of contentedness is to move on.

Third Gear (the Boring Gear)

Your “best friend”. I seem to spend a lot of my time cruising residential streets in third gear. There’s not much to it. Once you push it into third you hear yourself tutting because it tries too hard to please you without any success. Nobody likes a try hard.

Fourth Gear (the Smooth Gear)

Slip into fourth and things seem much better. You’ve got some speed now, you’re building it up, you feel like some progress is finally getting made. It’s a good gear to be in. You cream around curves like a crab covered in custard. But uh oh, you’ve accelerated faster than you should have and need to prepare for…

Fifth Gear (the Couldn’t Give a Toss About Anything Gear)

Stepping into fifth is mostly good. You’re there at the top of the spectrum. You can only go faster now, and faster you will because you can. Shame then that if you happen to hit something at this speed you’ll more than likely die. If you had an accident in third it would call an ambulance and put you in the recovery position. Fifth wouldn’t even take off its headphones to check if you were still alive, and it’d spit on you as it drove off into the horizon.

When you’re driving look out for these character traits. For a fun car game why not give them names and draw cartoon versions of them on napkins? Not you though, you’re driving. It would have to be someone else. If you have friends, that is.