This week I’ve been working for eight days in a row. I started last Friday and I’ve been at work every day afterwards, including today. This has given me a unique perspective on the Beatles song, “Eight Days A Week”, which previously was a complete mystery to me.
Dear Beans… My Car Is Cursed!
Dear Beans,
I have a problem I need your assistance with.
As previously mentioned in a previous post, I haven’t been driving very long. Even so I attempted to remember how to correctly to perform the reverse bay park manoeuvre and it kept me awake last night for at least 25 minutes. I think I got it in the end. That is not my concern though. What concerns me is the alarming rate of ambulances that I come across when driving in my car.
I don’t think I would be exaggerating by saying that every single journey to and from work I come across an ambulance, whether just driving around or pushing its way through traffic with its sirens blaring. In fact, it is a common occurrence that when driving with Reuben we are more inclined to see the latter, which brings us to the obvious conclusion that my car is in some way cursed. “How can it be cursed,” I hear you say, then I wonder how I can hear you when my hearing has been damaged for the last 16 years or so. The fact is I can’t hear what you say so I’m pretending that I can.
Do I have a cursed car? How else would you explain it? Whether or not my vehicle is directly affecting the mortality rate in the North East, it’s still particularly worrying that one is constantly in my rear view mirror. There are days when I ponder whether to take public transport instead to avoid the consequences of my actions. I don’t want to be responsible for accidents, for deaths, for common misdemeanours ending in tragedies. If all of this is on my head then what should I do? Would the same thing happen if I had a different car, or a different vehicle altogether?
Please offer your advice in a thrilling manner.
Kind regards
Ian “Mac Mac Mac Mac – Adam – Liam – Neil” McDougal
*** Caption Competition ***
Good Evening ladies and gentlemen. It’s very simple; come up with the bestest and most funniest caption for this photo and you could win this magnificent mystery prize.
Good luck!
Terrible news
I don’t know how to tell you this. It’s too tragic for words.
In some ways we saw it coming, but still, when I walked down Church Road and saw what had happened, I couldn’t believe my eyes. Sexatronic has gone.
Once the home of Bum Chin Bollock Neck McGee, and then – gloriously immortalising the star of one of The Papples’ most inventive album tracks – home to Sexatronic herself, the stylish and cosmopolitan plywood sheeting has been removed after five years’ service and has been replaced with these unimaginative shop units.
We’ll never forget you, Sexatronic.
Choose Your Own Adventure – Bean’s Edition
You awake in a large room. You don’t have a pillow under your neck so it has that stiff feeling that takes a couple of hours to disappear.
There is nobody else in the room except you and a large red button on a table in the middle. With no idea where you are nor what you are doing there you have no choice but to press the red button.
In doing so a loud voice begins to talk through the small hatch in the ceiling. Yes, it’s a small hatch: “GOOD MORNING ADVENTURER. YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN TO EMBARK ON A MIGHTY QUEST, THE DETAILS OF WHICH WILL BE EXPLAINED SHORTLY BUT FIRST… YOU MUST CHOOSE YOUR COMPANION…”
The wall immediately in front of you reveals four separate containers containing four separate people. You walk forward to look closer at the individuals and are shocked and surprised to see:
1. Jimmy Somerville circa 1986 – ‘Don’t Leave Me This Way’ has just reached number 1 in the charts so he is giddy as a kipper. He is clutching a signed photo of Sarah Jane Morris and holds a portable microphone in his belt.
2. Patrick Stewart – dressed as Danger Mouse. Whilst he may not have the same prowess he commands on the stage he can still kick yo ass if you cross his path. He has a mace covered in blood strapped to his back.
3. Glenn Hoddle’s mullet – fresh off the back of his thrilling football career in Tottenham Hotspur and his number 12 hit with Chris Waddle, this mullet has seen more action than a revolving door. It’s nicely permed at the top and smells minty fresh.
4. Blossom – not the actress Mayim Bialik but the character ‘Blossom’ from the 90’s TV series ‘Blossom’ about some girl called ‘Blossom’. She’s a teenager so she’s concerned more about boys and, I dunno, spots but she’s also got a ton of brains and can offer you fashions tips.
You can only choose one; which companion do you choose?
Hair by Ian
I suspect Ian’s natural shyness and modesty are to blame, but I have to say I was surprised to discover that he’s opened a hair salon in North London named after his new favourite word.
What’s missing?
Due to the massive popularity of “guess who’s back?” I’m back again with a new game… What’s missing?
This time I have a riddle for you:
My first is in the, but not in book
My second’s in the, but not in book
My third is in the, but not in book.
My fourth is in book, but not in the.
My fifth is in book, but not in the.
My sixth is in book, but not in the.
My last is in book, but not in the.
What’s missing?
Crisis
This week I hit crisis point. Not financially or emotionally, you understand. I’m solvent and in general life is good. No, it was more important than that. I ran out of all bookshelf space.