Category: RULES

Avatar Can we be serious, please?

I need you to all listen to me very carefully when I say this. I am deadly serious.

I need you to understand that there is a time for nonsense and there is also a time for being serious. I am the most serious I’ve ever been without crossing that line and turning into Serious Ian again (nobody wants that).

If we’re to start this new year fresh then you’re all going to have to give me enough time to eat my oranges.

I don’t want to hear your excuses. I don’t want you running into my house with whatever gibberish you need to tell me; it can wait. I need to take some time to eat my oranges.

Whatever you need to tell me, put a pin it in and try me the next day. Whatever job needs doing, you’re going to have to give me some extra time to get it finished. I’ve got oranges to eat and I won’t let anyone get in my way.

There. I’ve said it. Don’t get upset because I’m telling everyone the same thing. My oranges come first.

Avatar Herb roundup

For too long the world has been absolutely awash with herbs. Go into a supermarket and there’s half an aisle of little jars of greeny-brown flakes. Nobody has the room to store them all and if you try a new recipe it will inevitably require the purchase of some more which will then sit at the back of a cupboard for the next ten years.

Thankfully salvation is at hand. As part of their wider plans for a “decade of national renewal”, the government have asked me to lead a Herb Taskforce to rationalise the UK herb landscape.

A full report will be published later this year to coincide with the autumn statement, but I’m delighted to announce my preliminary findings here.

  • Basil – nice both fresh and dried. Versatile. Keep it.
  • Bay Leaf – floats in your food while cooking, then has to be removed because it’s inedible. Tastes of nothing. Banned.
  • Bouquet Garni – strange teabag of mystery leaves. Just use some other herbs. Banned.
  • Chervil – universally described as “delicate” which means it doesn’t do much. Just use parsley.
  • Chicory – very bitter. People put it in coffee which is weird. Use of chicory should be punishable by prison time to stamp this out.
  • Chives – these always repeat on me. Get rid of them.
  • Coriander – this is nice. Keep it.
  • Dill – banned.
  • Fenugreek – can’t even pronounce this let alone cook with it. Banned.
  • Herbes de Provence – just use some basil and oregano. Nobody will know the difference. If every region of every European country had its own herb mix we’d be knee deep in the damn things and no better off for it. Provence needs to get back in its box. Banned.
  • Italian Herb Mix – this is just basil and oregano. Use those. Banned.
  • Kaffir Lime Leaf – bay leaves for Asian cooking. Bin it.
  • Marjoram – this is a type of oregano. We don’t need to split hairs, there are more important things going on. Just use oregano instead. Banned.
  • Mint – yes. Keep.
  • Mixed Herbs – this kind of mystery herb mix is a waste of everyone’s time. Use basil and oregano. Any recipe requiring herbs can just use basil and oregano and it’ll be fine. Banned.
  • Oregano – yes. Keep.
  • Parsley – was hoping to ban this but it would leave restaurants without little sprigs of leaves to make food look nice, so keeping it on that basis.
  • Rosemary – I’ve got a good chicken souvlaki recipe that needs rosemary, and it’s nice on roast potatoes. Keep.
  • Sage – gets used in stuffing, I suppose, but will be keeping an eye on this.
  • Tarragon – no.
  • Thyme – no.

The above will become law by the end of this Parliament, so please begin throwing away all your other herbs now to avoid trouble when your cupboards are inspected by the police. Thank you for your attention to this important matter!

Avatar The jelly baby quiz: answers

Apparently when I set the jelly baby quiz way back in, I don’t know, the late 1990s, I promised that as well as prizes there would be answers. Well, the prize (singular) has now been distributed, so all that remains is to dig in to the answers to see how Kev came to be the winner.

Strap in for some detailed admin as we rake through all the questions, and everyone’s answers, one by one and in forensic detail.

Q1. Jelly is made using which animal product?

Jelly is produced using gelatine, which is made from collagen using animal bones.

  • Kev said “Cow or Pig Gelatine”. 1 point.
  • Smidge said “Bone Marrow”. 0 points.
  • Ian said “Gelatin”. 1 point.

Q2. Babies are born without which bones?

Kneecaps. Babies are born with cartiledge where their kneecaps will eventually form.

  • Kev said “Kneecaps!”. 1 point, plus a bonus for exuberance.
  • Smidge said “Horns”. 0 points.
  • Ian said “The ass”. This is not a bone recognised by medical science. 0 points.

Q3. In a classic red-yellow-green multicoloured jelly scenario, what flavour is the green one?

The UK jelly market has a standard colour scheme that applies to most brands. Green is either lime or lemon and lime. Either of those flavours will be accepted.

  • Kev said “Lime”. 1 point.
  • Smidge said “Go”. Go has no flavour. 0 points.
  • Ian said “Some kind of zesty juu?”. Like all humans, Jews taste like chicken. 0 points.

Q4. To the nearest 400, how many babies were born in the UK in 2023?

The Office for National Statistics recorded 591,072 births in England and Wales for 2023; the Scottish Government recorded 45,935; the Northern Ireland Registrar General recorded 19,962. This makes a total of 656,969. I don’t know what “to the nearest 400” even means so I will rank answers by how close they are to the right number.

  • Kev said “598,400”, which is short by 58,569, or almost the population of Scarborough.
  • Smidge said “598,401”, which is short by 58,568, or slightly more than the population of Gravesend.
  • Ian said “Let’s see, one born every minute, erm 525,600”, which is impressively close given the wayward methodology, but still short by 131,369, or approximately one Watford.

Smidge was the closest and scores 3 points. Kev was second closest and scores 2. Ian was furthest away and scores 1.

Q5. Which is the correct part of a jelly baby to eat first?

I eat the head first, so the jelly baby won’t suffer during the rest of the eating process. However, I will accept any reasonable answer. Reasonableness is at the quizmaster’s discretion.

  • Kev said “Head”. This aligns with my own approach. I approve. 1 point.
  • Smidge said “The bit that isn’t between your fingers”. There is an irresistible logic to this that I find impossible to deny. 1 point.
  • Ian said “Trick question. You eat all of it at the same time”. This appears to introduce no additional suffering beyond my own “head” method and is undeniably efficient. I have also definitely done this myself sometimes. 1 point.

Scores

Having reached the end of the questions we can now look at the scoreboard.

  • Kev had a storming quiz and scores 7.
  • Smidge had a slow start but picked up big points on the birthrate question, and scores 4.
  • Ian’s performance was a mixed bag throughout, and scores 3.

So, well done to Kev, who has probably finished his jelly babies by now, and commiserations to Ian, who appears to have somehow lost out to the eternally confused Smidge Manly. Better luck next time.

Avatar Danger cycle

I recently got hold of a bike, in an attempt to do something energetic at least occasionally, rather than just spending literally my entire life either sitting down or being asleep.

What I didn’t count on was how dangerous it is round here. Get off the main roads and you suddenly find yourself in a terrifying danger zone of army firing ranges and other macho activities that are entirely incompatible with my naturally timid demeanour. A simple bicycle ride in the country suddenly becomes a horrifying scramble through live gunfire and explosions, like a scene from Rambo but with me in a bike helmet passing through the background.

Please find below a selection of pictures to document my emotions during a ride through this difficult environment.

Avatar Fixing Ian

When the New Beans started back in 2014, we all set up Gravatars of our cartoon heads in orange circles so that our comments would have our own special Beans graphics next to them. Kev would always be Kev, I would always be me and Ian would always be Ian. This was Very Important.

Then, last year, Ian changed his email address and picked a strange pencil drawing of a fat bloke to be his new Gravatar. Since that day, Kev has still been Kev and I’ve still been me, but Ian has been a pencil drawing of a fat bloke. This is obviously unacceptable.

Several months have now gone by, and Ian has failed to remedy this distressing situation, so I have taken matters into my own hands. I have rewritten the code that runs the site to specifically find and rewrite the avatar that appears next to comments he posts. Ian is now Ian again, by brute force. He no longer has a say in the matter. This is justice in action.

If you find any comments anywhere on the site that still show the wrong avatar, please let me know so I can make this ridiculous and oppressive intervention even more thorough.

Avatar How to play ‘Donyket’

Ahh the card games. The classics, who doesn’t enjoy playing the old favourites like snap, Happy Families or Canasta? Well now there’s a ‘new’ game in town, brought to you by Changlish Chranslayshon & Sons Ltd.

DONYKET! A twist on the old classic, Donkey. DONYKET! Don’t forget to ‘off ers your cards’, you don’t want to be left with the ‘Dondey’ and get called Donkey!

DONYKET!

How to play 'Donyket'