Kevin’s Beans

The new website has been up for a while now and seems to be doing swimmingly. There has been a wealth of information passed between these hallowed halls and I don’t know about you but my life has been fully enriched as a result of all the posts.

There’s someone though who hasn’t really seen the benefit. Our Kev, Mr Chang, Senor Menendez, whatever you want to call him, has been too busy watering his shutter pipes and shining the biff rafters to contribute anything. His bean count is very low and so in order to try to boost his levels I have come up with the following product:

This way Kev will have a multitude of promiscuous beans the whole year round and doesn’t need to worry about those pesky hard, dried up peas.

What I Should Be Doing

When I was a child I was, at first, convinced that when I grew up I was going to work as a space cowboy. It seemed like an ideal life: rounding up space cattle, eating space beans and flying through space on a jet-powered horse called ‘Rosie’. I don’t remember the exact point that life took my dreams and put them through a chundle mixer and told me that was a silly idea but it happened and thus I never got that ranch, those chaps or that hat.

Present day sees me sitting in an office living the giddy life of an office man. I mean I’m not chasing away space thieves trying to steal my space butter yet that doesn’t bother me. What does bother me is that this is not what I should be doing.

An evening in the company of one Kevindo Menendez opened my eyes to the world that is just beyond reach. They say that you never quite know what you’re good at until you give it a try, which obviously means that deep down I have the required skills and expertise to be a washing machine repair man. I already have the small, girlish hands for those tiny electric whatnots and for squeezing into those hard-to-reach areas. I look good in anything that’s not a shirt and tie. I can drive now so even if someone needs a washing machine repaired in New York (not that New York, the one in Tyne and Wear) I can step up to the challenge.

All I need now is some business cards and I’m up and running. They won’t have a picture of a crab on them but, by the beard of Graham Norton, they will announce to the world my real calling in life!

Been Shopping

After Kev and I wrote “biscuits” and “breakfast” as the first two items on our shopping list, it became clear that our entire shopping trip would be only for items beginning with B.

So we took our bags, browsed the bargains and bought a bounty.

Things we bought:

Biscuits
Breakfast
Buns
Beef
Burgers
Bananas
Bread
Beer
Bacon
Big tomato
Banoffee pie
Brown onion
Bow tie pasta
Bourneville

Things we listed but decided not to buy:

Bath oil
Biscotti
Bovril
Brut
Butternut squash
Brandy snaps
Bearnaise sauce
Bruschetta
Bassoon

It was, clearly, brilliant.

Owl have a coffee

Current trends in the world of wildlife are all over the gossip pages of the newspapers these days. The pandas taking selfies, the rhino that hosted the Grammy awards and the arctic foxes wearing Naomi Campbell’s skin as a luxurious wrap are all well known.

But what about the less famous creatures of the world? What are they doing? It turns out that many woodland creatures are developing a taste for human food. Italian is popular with many species, with dormice in some parts of England now surviving entirely on conchiglie al forno, tiramisu and Chianti.

And if you don’t believe me, here’s an owl in a Leeds branch of Costa Coffee.

From Newcastle to Leeds (and back again)

Now I know that everyone loves it when I put up posts about pointless things that I bought and there hasn’t been one for a while so no doubt people are salivating at the prospect of one for November or December. The truth is though that I haven’t had much spare cash to fling about in the face of sensibleness. I almost did on a relatively expensive thing but changed my mind at the last minute. So how about something a little different?

Last Monday I undertook an epic quest (?) to Leeds Brudenell Social Club in order to see two brilliant Canadian bands called P.S. I Love You and The Rural Alberta Advantage. There are several points to consider though:

1. I don’t live in Leeds anymore
2. I don’t drive yet
3. I needed to be at work the next morning

With this in mind it all seemed a little crazy, and it was. I board my train from Newcastle just after 6pm. It went straight through to Leeds with no detours, which was good, but the whole journey takes about 90 minutes and I’ve never been to the Brudenell before so I have to take a taxi. I caught one and arrived around 8pm and as the doors only opened at 7:30pm I hadn’t missed anything. Great. I take a seat and read the schedule; first band on at 8.20pm and second band on at 9:20pm.

I have to catch a taxi back to the station at 9:50pm in order to catch my train at 10:10pm. This means I will catch about half of the second band’s set which isn’t too bad.

But then disaster. P.S. I Love You don’t clamber onto stage until 8.35pm. Whilst they perform a blistering 30 minute set to an almost empty room I enjoy every minute of it. At first I sit towards the back so I can take in the whole stage. It is only ten minutes in that a group of people then choose to stand right in front of me, despite most of the room being empty, to watch the band. One woman even turns around, looks me dead in the eye and then carries on standing right in the way. I choose to move forward and sit on the steps closer to the stage. Another man then blocks my view about twenty minutes in however he is the sound guy and must be checking the levels. He’s clearly upset as he returns several times to check. All I can hear is ear-shattering rock n roll music however I do not work in the music biz and my ear drums were destroyed at least two decades ago from listening to Dr Hook and the Medicine Group way too high.

So this delay then sets a chain reaction off. P.S. I Love You leave the stage but the second band don’t get back on until around 9.36pm (I’m being precise for a reason). I get to see around twelve minutes of the Rural Alberta Advantage before I get the call back from the taxi firm and have to head off. I leave just as Amy Cole is explaining that she visited a honey farm during the day and spent about fifty quid on honey products (bless).

The expense doesn’t end there though. My train back to Newcastle does not arrive until midnight, by which time the Metros have stopped running so I am forced to get another taxi home. What do the numbers look like? Let’s run them through down here:

Gig Ticket – £12.00
Train ticket to Leeds – £14.00
Food for the train – £3.00
Taxi to Brudenell – £6.00 (I gave a respectable tip)
Gig Merch – £10.00 (P.S. I Love You were kind enough to sign them too)
Taxi to Leeds Station – £6.00 (another tip)
Coffee at McDonalds – £1.50
Train ticket to Newcastle – £14.00
Taxi Home – £12.00 (such a generous tipper)

Total – £78.50

I spent a full £78.50 for less than fifty minutes of music. I think that makes me dedicated and much better than everyone else and I knew that before I even started writing this post.

The James D. Titan Birthday Primordial Night Out – 2014 Edition

Some nights need to be undertaken twice to re-live the tang. Some nights, however, happen once and you’re glad that they never happen again. Some nights just happen and they’re over before you expect it.

I could do this all day.

Some nights leave a warm glass of milk next to your bed and force you to drink it in your sleep. Some nights see you dressing in the bathroom and watch the whole thing.

In any case, it was our misfortune to suffer yet another birthday night out. My birthday night out to be precise. I was there and I can tell you immediately and without hesitation that it was tip-top. It was top notch. Here’s a smattering of reasons why:

1. Smidge Manly decides to release ‘Double Bugger: 35 essential 80’s songs’ to celebrate that he hasn’t been around for a while and we miss his world-weary, dulcet tones. A white label demo is expected by early 2015. Whether or not his Manly Choir decide to provide BV’s is still undecided.

2. Hot off the invention press is the Diver’s Mitt. What this remarkable piece of equipment does is ensure that, when you’re diving, you don’t become too good at diving. You don’t want to show up the other divers and this essential webbed glove will ensure this never takes place.

3. Kevin may have to take Taylor Swift aside to discuss the Diver’s Mitt in more private and intimate surroundings…

4. The world of art theft is a tricky one, and one which cannot be rushed. If you decide to join the world of art theft you must ensure that not only are you very very good at stealing art but also that you can muster the correct arm and hand movements. There’s no point deciding to steal art if your wrists are weak and your arms are bloated.

5. Sometimes Kevin looks like Richard E. Grant in his grey coat. He’s also very good at doing Liam Neeson’s speech from ‘Taken’ as Kermit the Frog.

6. What Reader’s Digest did to books is unforgivable.

Afterwards it was officially decided that I am now 30 + 1 and that handing someone the ass of a rat is a big deal and should not be taken lightly.

Fromage Homage

It’s around this time of the year that everyone looks to the future. There is a lot of talk about Christmas and the inevitable run up and everything involved. Let us not forget the things though that are constant. These things that are around us on a regular basis that refuse to give up when times are hard. I am, of course, talking about cheese.

When was the last time you gave a hearty shout out to the marvel of cheese?

When did you last go a bit glossy-eyed about a bit of Brie or a slice of Red Leicester?

There are some members of this website that regularly draw themselves as a large clump of cheese that wanders around London in a top hat. That I confess I have never done, yet I feel a strong affinity with cheese. It hides in my sandwich and tickles my fancy. It stares at me longingly from the shelves, urging me to purchase it.

There have been times when in my darkest moments I have not acknowledged it in the way that it deserves and I am looking to rectify that in any way I can. So here it is, my little flag-waving entry in the long history of the Beans to pull up a chair and put my arm around that most helpful and comforting of fellows. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you cheese.

(Addendum: this post was created in conjunction with the fact that homage rhymes with the French word for ‘cheese’).

Sponsor My Face

So we’re approaching the end of October and it’s only fair that my face gets the attention it deserves.

I mean come on people, this beard doesn’t grow itself you know. Look at it; such a magnificent specimen of a clutter of face candy right there. That has inspired numerous people, including yourselves, to throw money at it in the aid of raising money. And what money has been raised? Enough for me to continue to hold my head high, even if it may be weighed down with the loveliness centred about my chin.

Let us all take a couple of minutes to ponder this before moving on with our lives.

Pouring
Beans

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