Four Word Reviews: Mr Lover Lover, The Best of Shaggy Part 1Time for another review of an album nobody wanted but which I somehow found in my postbox anyway. This month, we’re giving “Mr Lover Lover: The Best of Shaggy…Part 1” a more in-depth listen than it was ever supposed to receive.
Read More: Four Word Reviews: Mr Lover Lover, The Best of Shaggy Part 1 »
Lukewarm ToothpasteWinter hits the roofs of many,
Like death would touch the life of Kenny.
There’s nothing to revive the heat,
A fanciful, audible, minty treat.
That is, or was, or should have been
Until now. I have foreseen
The future, oh it blinds my gaze,
This thing will astound and amaze.
You need to see this, you need to taste
The power of lukewarm toothpaste.
It cuddles and caresses your gums,
Whether on brushes or on thumbs.
It’s stroking all your sexy edges,
On the streets and behind hedges.
It nestles and nuzzles and frequents
Those areas food just cann’t dent.
It’s watching you as you try to sleep,
So it can heat where you can’t creep.
You may be scared but hear my words,
They stick to you like lemon curds,
It would be such a dreadful waste
To not adore lukewarm toothpaste.
Beans Fashion Corner: HatsWe all look very handsome here on the Beans – that goes without saying – but one area where we clearly still have work to do is with our headgear. Generally speaking we are hatless and that has to change.
I have enlisted a celebrity millinery expert to select bespoke hats, which will serve to indicate the purpose and majesty of each of our positions.
FfffifthBack in spring of this year, the music press were full of excitable rumours about a new supergroup being formed by The Papples and elusive pop star Kevil, with Nizzle said to be on board to produce their debut EP.
Naturally, we all assumed that nothing those three renowned artists did could fail to succeed, but their project remains firmly under wraps and no release date has been scheduled. Perhaps we’ll never know what they came up with.
What has come to light, though, is this interview, in which band members K-Zone and Chef Shizzle reveal some of the details of this ill-fated endeavour.
Guess who’s back?It is here… It is now… The blockbusting media event that LITERALLY nobody was expecting, needing or wanting.
Not only is he back, but this time hes going to SPAAAAAACCE!
A lost classicOver the years, our various Film Production Companies – Constantly Falling Productions, Al and Chris Productions, Chris Productions and the world famous Pouring Beans Productions – have turned out one classic movie hit after another. But talk amongst fans often turns to the story, told in hushed tones around camp fires late at night, that there is another film that was made but never released because Al lost it.
Well, those stories are true, and what’s more, Al has found the missing film under a selection of gentlemen’s art pamphlets in his attic. For the first time in a decade, Al n Chris’s Big Day Out has been unearthed. It’s a thrilling story of teleportation, time travel and evil twins.
Obviously I can’t post it here ahead of its Leicester Square premiere, but I have chosen a short clip from the pre-titles part of the film that shows what an incredible find it really is. In the space of just 24 seconds, this clip contains brilliant acting, exciting CGI graphics, a powerful original musical score and some nudity. Enjoy!
The Edge of Popular CultureYou see me, right? I’m not very good at keeping up with what is fashionable and popular amongst the general population. I must say, however, I was downright confused when I came across this in Primark:
So, I guess this is a thing. Has everyone else been wearing mens lingerie and they just haven’t told me? Are there underground mens lingerie clubs where people strut around in their hosiery and take photos on selfie sticks? Has my imagination ran away and hid under the stairs because such a thing cannot possibly exist, or has the world lovingly embraced dudes in delicate pants?
Please. Your comments please.
Wisdom of the 1970sYes, I know, the 1970s are now the often-maligned decade that brought us dodgy celebrities and brown corduroy flares. It is hard to forgive such things. But one thing the 70s did know a thing or two about is sunstroke. How do you keep the sun off your overheating head? The 70s know. The 70s have it all figured out, and it has nothing to do with expensive sun cream or buying an overpriced straw hat from an itinerant beach salesman.
