Avatar An introduction to marking

Today I learned how to mark children’s schoolbooks. This is an important skill, so for your benefit, here are the basics I picked up.

  1. Use a red pen. Marking is red. Green highlighters highlight some bits of red pen writing. You will be told which bits.
  2. Tick everything.
  3. If everything was right, put on a sticker that says “brilliant”.
  4. If it was mostly right, put on a sticker that says “good”.
  5. If the kid is clearly a bit dim use a sticker that says “target” and tells them to buck their ideas up.
  6. If you’ve run out of “good” stickers, cut the word “brilliant” off a “brilliant” sticker with scissors and that will probably do.
  7. Don’t mess up the piles. The piles were sorted by someone who knows more about it than you do and are not to be disturbed.

Good luck with your marking. Feel free to practice by marking this post in the comments below.

Avatar Uppy – The Aerodynamic Dog

Hey YOU! Yes, YOU! Look at all that money just hiding in your wallet and / or purse. It’s wasting away there. What you’re looking for is a unique investment opportunity and that’s exactly what we’ve got for YOU right here on the Beans Shopping Network.

Dogs eh? Wonderful animals. Darling little creatures but gosh darn it don’t they get under your feet and in your way so much. How many times have you accidentally stood on a dachsund’s paw? How many times have you kneed a bulldog in the face because you didn’t know it was there? What you need then is Uppy the Aerodynamic Dog.

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Uppy is quintessentially the most amazing product you will see for the rest of the year. Our top scientists have engineered a series of dogs that have the ability to float in the air. This allows them to occupy the space you don’t need and will never occupy, making scenes involving your foot and their body a thing of the past.

There are so many benefits for both you and your Uppy dog. No longer will you trip over them whilst making spaghetti bolognaise; gently push Uppy out of the way and he will float away unharmed. No more will they tear your sofa and shoes to pieces; Uppy dogs have no concerns for matters on the floor, they’ve got things to do in the air. Do your kids have an irrational fear of birds? Not anymore they don’t, not once Uppy unleashes some chunky justice on their sorry feathery asses.

Each Uppy will come with their own stylish set of treats, beats and designer meats. Everything you need to get Uppy up and running will be included in the pack.

What are you waiting for? Invest now and receive a free Uppy napkin and empty milk bottle set.

Next Christmas every child will want an Uppy. Get in while you can. Guaranteed returns of some pounds.

Next on the Beans Shopping Network, a lovely way to illuminate cows…

Avatar Ian vs Crush Songs

Ian: Hello?
Crush Songs: Hello Ian.
Ian: Hello Crush Songs by Karen O. I’ve wanted to listen to you for a while; sorry it’s taken me so long.
Crush Songs: Oh think nothing of it. Now, are you ready?
Ian: I am, yes.
Crush Songs: Are you ready for fourteen songs that all sound the same with the same wibbly wobbly vocals that have been fed through a cereal box and sound as though they were written in five minutes?
Ian: Erm no, I was hoping for a bit of variety.
Crush Songs: Oh.
Ian: Is there something the matter?
Crush Songs: Nothing! Nothing! No it doesn’t matter.
Ian: What is it you’re hiding there?
Crush Songs: Well it’s nothing really…
Ian: So you are fourteen songs that all sound the same with the same wibby wobbly vocals that have been fed through a cereal box and sound as though they were written in five minutes.
Crush Songs: In short, yes.
Ian: I feel as though I should be brutally honest here. That’s very disappointing.
Crush Songs: Would it help if I told you I’m only 25 minutes long?
Ian: No it wouldn’t.
Crush Songs: Would it help if I told you there was a Doors cover on me?
Ian: That just makes it worse.
Crush Songs: Actually ACTUALLY I’ve got fifteen songs on me. The last one is hidden right at the very end like a lyrical treat…
Ian: Right.
Crush Songs: … actually that might still be the last song with a bit of a gap in the middle…
Ian: Look I can see we’re not really getting anywhere here. You’ve not really thought this through. I think you should go back and have a big long ponder about what to do.
Crush Songs: If you insist, okay. I’ll come back shortly with some much better ideas. You watch; I will blow your mind!
Ian: I’m sure you will. I’m just going to put you in this pile with that Good Charlotte CD I found in the street and those duplicate DVDs I don’t need anymore.
Crush Songs: Is it a special pile?
Ian: … sure it is!

Avatar Unknown Pleasures (again)

Carrying on my trend for utilising other people’s work in my own posts (Chris, clearly you’re next), as promised here is the second song in a collection which is steadily showing improvement in both tone, texture and content. The rhymes, though simple, display a mature approach to song-writing. The universal themes everyone can identify with. It is a cornucopia of marvels, a stimulating ensconcing whirlpool of wonder, a haven for intellectual satisfaction on a grand scale.

Presented in its original form, sup deep from the cup of lyrical nourishment:

Jumped of a Train

Chourus – I jumped of a train. I ended in the rain and I was fuLL of pain.

Yestersterday I got mugged by an eel,
It wasent a fair deal
I didn’t have a meal

— Chourus —

On my birthday, all I ate was hay,
A Horse came along but he didn’t singe me a song
But he did a big pong

— Chourus —

So I jumped of a train x 4

My life’s such a pain.

I only wish the Beatles could have written something as timeless as this.