Avatar Choose Your Own Adventure – Bean’s Edition

You awake in a large room. You don’t have a pillow under your neck so it has that stiff feeling that takes a couple of hours to disappear.

There is nobody else in the room except you and a large red button on a table in the middle. With no idea where you are nor what you are doing there you have no choice but to press the red button.

In doing so a loud voice begins to talk through the small hatch in the ceiling. Yes, it’s a small hatch: “GOOD MORNING ADVENTURER. YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN TO EMBARK ON A MIGHTY QUEST, THE DETAILS OF WHICH WILL BE EXPLAINED SHORTLY BUT FIRST… YOU MUST CHOOSE YOUR COMPANION…”

The wall immediately in front of you reveals four separate containers containing four separate people. You walk forward to look closer at the individuals and are shocked and surprised to see:

1. Jimmy Somerville circa 1986 – ‘Don’t Leave Me This Way’ has just reached number 1 in the charts so he is giddy as a kipper. He is clutching a signed photo of Sarah Jane Morris and holds a portable microphone in his belt.

2. Patrick Stewart – dressed as Danger Mouse. Whilst he may not have the same prowess he commands on the stage he can still kick yo ass if you cross his path. He has a mace covered in blood strapped to his back.

3. Glenn Hoddle’s mullet – fresh off the back of his thrilling football career in Tottenham Hotspur and his number 12 hit with Chris Waddle, this mullet has seen more action than a revolving door. It’s nicely permed at the top and smells minty fresh.

4. Blossom – not the actress Mayim Bialik but the character ‘Blossom’ from the 90’s TV series ‘Blossom’ about some girl called ‘Blossom’. She’s a teenager so she’s concerned more about boys and, I dunno, spots but she’s also got a ton of brains and can offer you fashions tips.

You can only choose one; which companion do you choose?

Avatar Hair by Ian

I suspect Ian’s natural shyness and modesty are to blame, but I have to say I was surprised to discover that he’s opened a hair salon in North London named after his new favourite word.

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Avatar What’s missing?

Due to the massive popularity of “guess who’s back?” I’m back again with a new game… What’s missing?

 

This time I have a riddle for you:

My first is in the, but not in book

My second’s in the, but not in book

My third is in the, but not in book.

My fourth is in book, but not in the.

My fifth is in book, but not in the.

My sixth is in book, but not in the.

My last is in book, but not in the.

 

What’s missing?

Avatar Plopp

As a serious artist, a lot of people question my integrity when it comes to certain projects. Just because I see the world in a different light, from a different angle, does not necessarily mean that my work is any less important than others working in the same field. Art is defined by interpretation; what means “life” to someone may mean “death” or possibly “tin foil” to another. It is an open world environment where anything and everything goes. It is the bag for life, full of life, packed with death.

So when it came to my current ongoing situation I decided to try something a little more obtuse. Of course I was never going to please the mass market, the traditionalists, the modernists, those with eyes. But to them I ask them one question: “when was the last time you witnessed a piece of art that really challenged you both emotionally and subconsciously?”

I give you Plopp. When you look at Plopp you could see a myriad of images. You don’t only look at Plopp though, you feel it deep within your bones. It’s a feeling sweet as a yoghurt-covered lollipop. I’ll say no more though as the scene speaks for itself.

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Avatar Trekkin’ Abroad: Futuristic Edition

Tomorrow morning I set sail for Greece. But what do we know of this far-off land of mystery? Until recently, perhaps only that everyone there was a god and they eat a lot of yogurt. But now it’s all over the news. Just look at some of these recent headlines:

  • Greece Is In A Right Old State (The Telegraph, 28 June 2015)
  • No Money Left In Greece At All (The Mirror, 30 June 2015)
  • Official Greek Currency Now Yogurt (Financial Times, 2 July 2015)

With this in mind, I have taken the latest Foreign Office advice and will be taking all the money I will need in the form of cold, hard cash, in a range of denominations and currencies. In the event that the Euro is scrapped and Greece returns to the Drachma, I have spent several evenings drawing my own Drachma notes and will be taking those with me. I am also taking a considerable amount of yogurt in the hopes that I can use it to barter for basic goods and services.

I’m not sure whether this approach will be enough to see me through a holiday or even if I will actually survive the trip, but I will attempt to keep you updated when I return as to whether I am still alive or whether I have been confiscated by the Bank of Greece as a hostage due to the deteriorating state of negotiations with the European Union.