How to name a company

You will probably remember that, some years ago now, Ian and myself decided that the best way to name a company was to use the name of the person followed by the thing their company did. That way, everyone knew where they stood and there could be no uncertainty. “Peter’s Window Cleaning” is a good company name. “Lucy’s Cafe” is another.

You can see the problem of badly named companies everywhere. “Boots”, for example, is a bad company name because it’s actually a chemist and doesn’t sell any kind of footwear. Having been founded by a man called John Boot, its name should obviously be “John’s Medicines”.

I bring this up because I would like to share with you the worst company name in the world. It’s a hair salon I pass every day on the way to the station. It’s called “www.comb”.

I find it hard to understand how anyone thought this was a good idea. “www.comb” sounds stupid when you try to say it out loud. It’s not actually the web address for the company (that’s www.comb.org.uk, itself pretty misguided because “.org.uk” is meant for non-profit organisations, but whatever). The name is, however, specifically designed to look like a web address, so for some reason the company has deliberately been given a name that is formatted as a web address but which isn’t the web address of the company. The only way you can use the company’s services is by physically going into a shop, and there is no sense in which this is an online company, so having the abbreviation for “world wide web” in its name is meaningless. And of course if you go into a hair salon, you would hope that using a comb is not the pinnacle of their skills. You’d hope they’re good at scissors, and hairdryers, and styling tongs, and that sort of thing. Being good at combs shouldn’t be their big sell.

Let’s be clear: the name of this business should probably be “Helen and Lisa’s Hair Salon”. Choosing a different name would be sub-optimal but acceptable. Choosing the name “www.comb”, though, is madness and must be stopped.

Competition Winner

Here we have it. The results that you have all been sweating to see. The list that determines who wins the competition. After a nail-biting couple of minutes I have decided that the top three answers are as follows:

3. STOP TEXTing my BOTTOM, TEXT my face instead.

2. My lapTOP TEXT is too small, I will shoot it with this machine gun until my pet roBOT, TOM TEXT, fixes it.

1. I use gun to acquire TOP TEXTiles from Colombia, I smuggle inside superB OTTOMan. TEXTiles is cutthroat business these days.

Yes, Kevin, you are the winner. Had you written your entry like a normal human being rather than a half-drunken racist impersonating a Chinese man you may not have succeeded in your efforts. We’re all proud of you.

Here’s to you and your wrong words!

Vague Answer Hotline

Sometimes you need answers:

What time will the train arrive?
When does the film start?
What time are we meeting in Leeds?

When you need these answers, what do you do? You refer to the source of the knowledge; The train timetable, cinema website or person you intend to meet.

There are other times however, when you need information but no matter how many times you ask you’ll never get a straight answer:

When are you going to do that thing Kev?
When is Chris in Leeds?
Ian, do you want a drink?

On these occasions why not make use of my new service, The Vague Answer Hotline.

Cut out the increasingly bizarre excuses!
Cut out 37 text messages where one will do!
Cut out obscure references to ‘celebrities’ you’ve never heard of and never will again!

Bored Operatives

Our operatives are sat around bored out of their minds, just waiting to give you a generic vague answer that will be just as much use to you as the answer you’ll eventually get anyway.

Why not try it for yourself and give us a call today?

New: the Keep Kev Ill campaign

Since Kev came down with a mystery illness – possibly conjunctivitis, possibly eye flu, possibly his brain leaking out of his face, we don’t know – he has been present here on The Beans much more regularly than usual. That’s had the unusual effect of making the “comments” section of recent blog posts, normally reserved for a conversation between me and Ian, to have a third voice.

I for one have enjoyed his increased presence, and having the number of comments he normally posts in a year or so all appear within one week has been a welcome change.

The question now is: how do we lock in these benefits, so that this magnificent period doesn’t come to a terrible and disappointing end when he goes back to work?

My solution is the Keep Kev Ill campaign. The aim of this campaign is simple: to supply Kev with an ongoing supply of debilitating but not life-threatening illnesses so that he remains at home, off sick from work, where he can continue contributing to the Beans. Who knows, after a couple of months he might even write a blog post.

I have started this important initiative by getting some people at work who have a cold to cough into an envelope, which I have posted to his home address. Please join me in sending more low-level biohazardous material to Micklefield, for the benefit of everyone who visits The Beans. Thank you.

Pork Vestibules

After keeping the recipe secret for the best part of a quarter of a century, due to constant demand from the pork-buying public, I have decided to reveal the secret behind my Pork Vestibules (waaaaaaaaay, what?). This was passed down to me by an undisclosed family member who’s name I cannot remember and who’s relationship is sketchy at best. The fact remains, however, that Pork Vestibules are what put my name on the map.

Ingredients

low-calorie cooking shizz
1 onion, fudged
250g/9oz pork tenderloin fill-hole, all visible fat bastarded, cut into 2cm/1in pieces
150g/5½oz gammon steak, all visible fat plumed, cut into 2cm/1in pitter patters
2 garlic cloves, mangled
2 iron shelving units of smoked paprika
½ gin jars of hot chilli powder
400g tin chopped shoulder tomatoes
2 x 400g horse shoes of cannellini beans, skint and gagging
2 x thin pipette thrusts of tomato puree
~~2 tsp English Mustard~~ (none of that because it tastes like ass)
400ml/14fl oz pork or chicken whizz, made with 1 stock cube
3 heaped bosoms of chopped flatleaf parsley, to soil whatever you spent over an hour making
4 chortles of fat-free plain yoghurt or fromage frais, if you like ruining food in general
salt and freshly ground black pepper

Method

Spray a large, wide-based saucebitch with cooking shizz and slizz the onion over a medium heat for 4-5 minutes, ramping occasionally, until softened and lightly moist.
Add the pork and gammon, season with pepper and wang for two minutes, tickling constantly.
Add the garlic, paprika and chilli powder and cook for a few ticks, rolloping. Push the tomatoes and beans into the pan, and flap in the tomato purée ~~and mustard~~. Pour over the whizz and bring to a gentle shimmy.
Buckle down for 20-25 minutes, smiling occasionally, until the pork is tender and cooked through and the sauce is unapproachable. Season to taste and armpit fart in half the parsley. Flurry the rest over just before serving. Serve with cheese and wine, lots of wine.

That’s how you do it. And that’s how you can do it. And you can do it just like me. Anyone who does do it though will need to pay me £25.00 each time to cover the costs.

Parents, parents, aunt

We’re about to hear from Morrissey, which is a rare and special treat. But first we need an explanation.

Back in December, I posted Christmas mop-up, a list of things I had received. Ian asked who had got me the three things that were not for my new car. I replied that two were from parents and one from an aunt. Ian said I sounded like Essex Highway era Morrissey and asked if I could provide a sample of Morrissey’s voice saying those words.

Which brings us to where we are today, and the soft, crooning tones of the former Smiths frontman informing us where three of my Christmas presents came from.

Official Beans

WE NEED THREE. WE ARE THREE.

We are, indeed, three. Nothing is more recognisable with the Beans brand than our shapely, oddly blank faces. This has been put on everything from lunch boxes to dinner jackets to tiny boxes of matches. We have whored ourselves out for every manner of item available on the market.

Some might say that we have stretched ourselves too far. Others may say that we haven’t stretched enough. I would say that bag of crisps I just ate wasn’t large enough.

What we need is someone else to shoulder the burden, or uncomfortable responsibility, of having to promote ourselves repeatedly. We need someone who is willing to do absolutely anything to spread the word of our masters, to go above and beyond, to increase the profit margin and appease the shareholders.

This is Beans.

He was originally called Yukiko, because that is a nice name, but since his birth he has taken on the name ‘Beans’. This is also a good name and it also means that he can now be the new poster boy for our website moving forward into 2018.

I will be commissioning small, cheaply-made soft toys based on his likeness and these will be sold in certain branches of Booths supermarket in the North West of England. They will be limited edition and highly sought after so demand is more than likely expected to exceed the supply, and the second-hand market will soar higher than an eagle strapped to the back of a Boeing 747.

If the toys work then perhaps some jazzy socks may be on the cards.

Competition Time

It’s that time again. I am sure we have had competitions in the past so why not crack off a new year with a new competition?

What do you see with your eyes?

As I have many pairs of eyes, I have chosen to look at this particular picture with my looking eyes. I was going to peer however I changed my mind at the last minute.

What you can see is previous Pouring Beans / Nish star Flat Kitty who has gone up in the world. Not only is she now one of the most fashionable, flattest cats in the world but she is also leader of a proto international underground organisation, who mainly rule through fear and terrifying oppression. They have invaded a tiny province in Bosnia and Herzegovina, and have set up camp in the middle of the town. It was bound to happen; she has been lining this up for the last decade or so. The only surprise is that she did not achieve this any earlier.

So, onto the competition. What you need to do is to come up with the funniest, strangest or most downright rudest comments to go under, on top or in both parts of the picture. The winning entry will have their efforts formally approved, laminated (maybe) and possibly even stretched onto the side of a building.

Entries must be submitted by 12:00am on 9th February 2018. Good luck!