Mental Note

Dear Future Me,

How’s it going? Did you ever work out what was clogging the bathroom sink?

I thought it was best to leave you a little something in case the old noggin isn’t quite what it once was because, you know, how great you/we are at remembering things in the year 2021 (?) let’s let that sink in a little before moving on. Ahhh! Got it? Okay.

It was in this month of this year that the old Beans got hacked again big time. Poor old man Kevvers had to spend many a-night trying to sweep up the bad vibes. Once all the ju-ju was gone, after probably sneaking in using your password, the security was ramped dry and everything seemed to settle down. The reason when you’ve gone three and a half weeks without any posts is due to the aforementioned security breach and also because you met up with Chris and Kev so you expended all the knowledge and nonsense in person, you drained yourself dry leaving but a tiny husk with which to mop up the remains. You took those three weeks to replenish the stocks and now, brimming with guff, chuff and lots of other undesirable stuff, you’ve come running over the horizon line with a huge grin and a trail of vape ships as long as the eye can see.

So, huddled around with your thirty grandchildren, you can tell the tale of the time a hush descended on the Beans and you utterly destroyed it with the next five days’ worth of tat.

Congratulations.

Breakfast kebab’s

A delicious new breakfast treat! Let me know if you want chilli or garlic sauce on yours.

Happy times in a sad seaside town

Recently, three extremely silly people went to Bridlington, and spent most of their time avoiding Bridlington itself by sitting in a small caravan and taking it in turns to play a racing game. However, for some brief periods, they did do a limited number of other activities, where those activities hadn’t been closed down for the winter.

You can now look through a photo album recording their escapades in full. Please feel free to add to it if you have your own pictures and/or memories of this very silly time. Here it is!

Birdworld

In the fourth episode of Go There and Do Things, in which Kev and I went to South Yorkshire in order to do things, one of the places we visited was called Birdwell. At the start of our visit, Kev, or possibly me, I can’t remember who, stands in front of the sign for the town and says “BIRDWELL” in the rasping voice of an upper class villain. That one word has stayed with me, along with the stupid way we say “THURGOLAND” in the same episode.

A couple of miles from my new house is a tourist attraction where you can look at lots of birds. I pass it almost every day. It’s called Birdworld.

And obviously, every single time I pass it, I say “BIRDWORLD” out loud in that same voice.

Dave Lister Egg

I know what you’re going to say so let me get my excuses out the way first.

Some time ago, in some post or re-post by Chris, I was given the task of trying to draw Craig Charles’ lovely viso/volto on an egg. How did this come about? Who can remember. I decided that now, on the last day of the month, was the time to act.

Perhaps the time wasn’t the best though. The actual time as in half past ten at night. I stupidly didn’t take the egg out of the fridge so that it could acclimatise to the temperature in the living room. It was an ice cold egg in a mostly tepid part of the flat. So, with pen in hand, I watched in horror as many efforts turned into one big fish face smudge fest.

The poor lad looks like fetid potato. Do you remember ‘Biker Mice from Mars’? Kind of like the main villain, Lawrence Limburger.

I have socially soiled myself so I’m going to wince away solemnly…

Improving songs: a how-to guide

Are you bored of listening to the same old songs, saying the same old things? Or maybe you’re bored of all the new songs, where the lyrics don’t seem to ever offer anything new? Don’t worry. I have just the thing for you.

Presenting, for the first time ever, my 100% proven and patented method for improving any pop song. Simply take any of the common pop song words from the left column of the table below, and replace it with the word on the right. The more words you replace, the better the song will be, guaranteed.

Please share below, in the comments, the songs you’ve improved with this groundbreaking method. Please also send payment by postal order or cheque to my home address.

Replace…	With…	Examples
Heart	Arse	Total Eclipse of the Arse by Bonnie Tyler My Arse Will Go On by Celine Dion Open Your Arse To Me by Madonna
You	Hugh	Hugh And Me Song by the Wannadies She Loves Hugh (Yeah Yeah Yeah) by the Beatles Hugh Stole The Sun From My Arse by the Manic Street Preachers
Dance	Prance	Let’s Prance by David Bowie Prance the Night Away by the Mavericks The Safety Prance by Men Without Hats
Die	Pie	Pie Another Day by Madonna Live and Let Pie by Wings Never Say Pie (Give Me a Little Bit More) by Cliff Richard
Night	Fight	December 1963 (Oh What a Fight) by the Four Seasons Boogie Fights by Heatwave Saturday Fight by Whigfield

Jolly good: the circle of life

Someone has amended this boring sticker to depict the three stages of life: happiness, love and coolness. The world is a better place as a result. Jolly good.

Four Word Reviews: Schizophrenic

In the 90s, there were a lot of boybands. You might remember *NSYNC, who were one of the big American ones. They did some catchy songs like Bye Bye Bye and It’s Gonna Be Me and they won eight Grammy awards for their trouble. Then they split up, and their lead singer, Justin Timberlake, went on to have a hugely successful solo career. What you might not remember is that *NSYNC had another lead singer, who co-wrote a lot of the songs with Justin Timberlake, and his name is JC Chasez. He too launched a solo career after the band split up, and his 2004 debut album was called “Schizophrenic”. This is it.